Hello and Welcome to the Mom's and Adoption Blog!

Everyone is welcome here. It is an open format to discuss your feelings without judgment. If you have come to judge or say something unkind to adoptive parents, please leave now (yes, I said everyone was welcome, with one exception, however). Thank you.

Otherwise, thank you so much for coming! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your comments and feedback. I started this blog to help other adoptive parents not to feel as isolated and alone in their feelings, as I did for so many years. With this blog, I hope to bring together the adoptive community as one. This is so we do not feel so alone and judged as we so many times do; even from ourselves. Please stay, relax and enjoy yourself. If at any time you feel judged, please let me know. Again thank you for coming.

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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

At the Orphanage... The pick-up

So, here it goes... What I thought was going to be one of the happiest days in my life, somewhat like having a baby, turned into something a little different. We went to the orphanage to pick up *Kallie and after all of the red tape was done and she said "good-bye" to the couple of staff members, we started on our way. It did not seem like a happy day for Kallie! She was sooo upset! We also rode back from the orphanage to Moscow with two other families who adopted a child, and those two children seemed fine and calm. Kallie, however, was hysterical for hours!! Mike nor I knew what to do! She was completely inconsolable! If someone happened upon the scene and didn't know what had transpired already that day, they would have thought we kidnapped Kallie! It was awful! I just held her. She didn't want anything to do with Mike at that point. We asked the adoption counter-part from Russia who spoke Russian and English to ask her a few questions, but Kallie wouldn't talk at all. (Kallie didn't speak a word of English at this point). After several hours, her crying finally ceased. It wasn't like she calmed down, though. It was only that she wore herself out! I know we were worn out!
Shortly thereafter we all reached our hotel in Moscow. Everyone was hungry as we had been traveling all day and hadn't really stopped to eat. The restaurant we went to at the hotel had the menu in both English and Russian. Thank God. We were motioning to Kallie asking what she wanted to eat. She wasn't hungry.
How was I supposed to take care of my new daughter if she wouldn't eat? She was so tiny! She only weighed 38lbs at that time! And she was 8-years-old! She needed to eat! We were so worried about her.
Little did we know this would become one of our biggest battles and power struggles to come in the near future. We should have just left well enough alone. The same thing ended up happening the next morning when she didn't want to eat before we left for the airport. Along with many other times to come... my husband and I wanted her to eat because she needed to grow and was mal-nutritioned. She saw it as a power-struggle and like us trying to make her do something she didn't want to. So, she didn't do it. That upset us. That was one of our #1 problems (at first). We fell hook-line-and sinker right into that problem. New parents right here!! Did not know what we were doing so when presented by a power-struggle, we ran right into it and got very frustrated with her and kept fighting and fighting and trying to win (and thought we could).
Has that happened to any of you out there? It was really hard, especially becoming the insta-parents of an older child who already had tricks up her sleeve, but we were still learning so much so fast!
Let's hear from some of you out there who have maybe lived through similar situations. What have you done when this type of thing has happened?
Are others of you going through older-child adoption issues, or where do your issues stem from?
I can't wait to hear from others out there!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Adoption... The Court Hearing

So now my husband and I knew which child we were going to adopt. Or rather, the adoption agency knew exactly which child we were going to adopt, and we just knew a name at this point. I remember my emotions ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute I was elated and the next scared out of my mind!! Not only had I never had children, but I was also pregnant and was going to be flying to Russia twice; another country and a place I had never been.
I was told several things regarding the Russian judge and how he might not think too kindly of me because I was already pregnant and adopting another child (we were told they usually only have one child per family in their country). So, for the first trip I was told to hide the pregnancy and to continue to do so.
The second trip was the actual adoption via showing up for court in front of a Russian judge. When we got there for that trip the idea of hiding the pregnancy was re-thought by the adoption agency. They decided it was probably going to be okay if we told the judge the truth. It was translated by the adoption agency counter-part in Russia that I was pregnant and the judge was okay with it.
I was so terrified he would not okay the adoption because of the baby, however.
It all worked out, though, and we were proud, happy new parents!
At the time, I remember, we were with two other adoptive families and one had already adopted several times from Russia. They knew the drill, obviously. Each family (couple) goes into court separately, and the adoption agency translator is already in there along with the judge and the court reporter. A bunch of things are said in Russian, a few questions are asked of us, we answered, more things are said in Russian, we were nodded at and sent out of the room.
It was not at all like I pictured it to be. Our child was never there. She was still at the orphanage the entire time. When we left the court room, I still didn't know if the adoption was granted to us or not. I had to ask the family who had been through the process several times if we were new parents or not. They asked us if we heard a particular phrase in Russian said. I told them, "yes, I think." And they told us congratulations we were new parents! It was so weird that no one in Russia seemed happy for us at all! It was just another day in court to them! Very strange! Russians are a very stoic people, too. In America we are the opposite! It is the beginning of a life and a new family no matter the age at which you adopt the child! It is a joyous occasion!
The biggest feeling for me at this point was relief because I was sooo worried if the adoption was going to go through or not. We were prepped that the adoption may not go through due to the pregnancy, and when I couldn't understand anything that was being said during the court hearing, I was really scared! I felt so much relief and felt so calm at this point, I was ready to go pick up my daughter!
The first trip we met and visited with her went a little different than I had expected and hoped for, but I still couldn't wait to go get my little girl! That trip when we met Kallie, I felt like she connected with my husband but not really with me. It really hurt me and I was a little worried we wouldn't connect, but I figured I just needed to give the relationship time.
I remember from the first trip that all she wanted to do was play with my husband. I was really happy for them, but it was hard on me because being pregnant I couldn't physically play the same way they were playing. For some reason I thought we would be adopting this child who would so desperately want a mother-figure and would glom onto me and want hugs and cuddles and such. But, it was nothing like that. All she wanted was to be played with. She wanted nothing to do with being cuddled. And, when I tried to play with her, she didn't seem to want anything to do with me or the way I could play with her so she would go back to my husband. It was really hurtful. I wanted her to want a mother but she just wanted a play-mate. I know it shouldn't have been about me, but I guess I had inflated expectations. As I'm sure others of you out there know, we can't ignore our own feelings as the parents.
I'm sure I was more sensitive from being pregnant. But, I also know I had a ton of ideas in my head of what this adoption was going to be like and certain expectations, and all of my ideas in my head were failing! My dream was already wavering. I was getting a tad worried already. But, I put all that aside knowing I had only just met her once. Did any of this mean anything?
I knew that when I had to leave her at the orphanage between the first and second visit it was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever had to do. It tore my heart out. I had to leave my beautiful baby with someone else whom I didn't even know. Was I going to see her again? What if they didn't let us get her next time? What if this was just a game and now they got our money but they wouldn't let us have our daughter? I cried sooo hard at the hotel that night before we left to go back to the States. How could I leave my baby in another country? It tore me up!

It got even more tumultuous when we picked up *Kallie after the adoption when it should have been one of the happiest days of our lives!
Stay tuned for that story next....

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Adoption... Before Mom and Dad Knew ANYTHING!

How many of you out there feel alone and isolated from the effects of an adoption (for example due to the effects of Reactive Attachment Disorder)? There are so many parts and pieces of an adoption that can cause a person (usually one or both of the parents, and more-so the mother) to feel this way. It is very painful and can make a person, usually the parent(s) start to question who they are as a person, and can challenge one's self-esteem, especially the longer it goes on.
That is what has been happening to me for over five years now.
We currently have four children; 3 biological and one adopted. My husband and I had been married for almost a year when we decided to try and start having children.
I will be talking about infertility in another segment, but we dealt with that for 5-1/2 years before any children came along, which was VERY painful (as any of you know who are going through that, or have been through it).
After a couple of miscarriages we decided to adopt. My husband had always wanted to adopt, and I was neither opposed nor totally for it at first. At the time I worked in the field of child protection, so I knew how many children needed a wonderful, loving home. I wanted to be able to help children more than anything, and give a loving home to one or more children, but I also knew at some point in the future I had to have a child biologically. It was something I had felt deep within me for a long time along with wanting to adopt.
As a couple, several years later and a couple of miscarriages later, we decided to adopt. We now know this as the pivotal point in our relationship; not only as a couple, but to our future family. This has taught us more than we ever thought we could and would know about so many facets of our lives, along with turning our world upside-down on a daily and sometime hourly or minute-by-minute basis.

*I will be changing the first names of my children to protect their identity*
My husband and I adopted *Kallie one week prior to her eighth birthday in the Fall of 2004. I should preface with a few facts first. Hmmmmm..... where to start...........
Once we finally decided to adopt, my body finally got in gear to have kids and also got pregnant. Ever hear of that happening? Almost everyone seems to know someone that has happened to! Also, this was an overseas/ International Adoption from Russia. So while I was pregnant, we were rushing through the adoption as quickly as we could so we could get home with our precious new child prior to me not being able to fly in the last trimester of my pregnancy. Through all of this, however, little did we know that the nightmare was already starting.
We went through a small agency because they were less money (still very expensive as adoptive parent(s) know), they could get us through the process more quickly, there were no classes we needed to take and very little "red-tape." So, the nightmare wasn't happening at this point with *Kallie, we just didn't know any better as new parents, especially as new adoptive parents, so we were so happy they were getting us through this so quickly so we could get home so fast!! In hind-sight there are so many things I know now and would tell someone who is adopting a child; ESPECIALLY an older-child.
Rushing it was definitely our first and biggest mistake. Because we were in a rush and the agency knew that, they took full advantage of that and rushed us through without trying to match us with the right child, connect us up with any classes or other helpful information (other families who have adopted, etc.); anything that would or could have prepared us as to what was to come. That was the most disappointing part is that I feel preyed upon. Especially when it came to us writing our "letter of intent" as to what we wanted for our child(ren).
Now, I know to many of you this sounds very wrong. It did to me too. But, here it is. All it means is you tell them how many children you want, the sex (I know, playing God a bit), the age(s) and if you will accept a special needs child, etc. Now, my husband and I weren't very specific. We did originally ask for two children (we didn't know I was pregnant at the time of writing the letter), and asked that they be no older than four years of age, I believe. We were told even when you write the letter with the parameters, nothing was written in stone. Not long after we wrote this letter, my husband was away on business and he called me from New York with wonderful news! The adoption agency had called him and told him about a little girl who was "about eight-years-old" and it was "her last chance to be adopted." What?! What did that mean? Here I was several months pregnant, emotional beyond belief, elated to finally have babies and children, oh, and they told us that we should only adopt one child now and not two because we were pregnant. Okay, this was a lot of information to process.
After getting more information, it meant that *Kallie was getting too old to be at the orphanage that she was in so she would be getting moved to another orphanage if we, specifically, didn't adopt her. No one else was on the horizon to adopt her so we were her last chance! It was us or she would be shipped to this "other orphanage" and "never be adopted." How heartbreaking was this information for anyone to hear?! Of course we would adopt her. God must have meant this child for us because otherwise she would be left alone and not adopted like so many kids I saw every day as a Social Worker. I couldn't see another child go through this. It was settled. This was our child! My husband and I agreed almost immediately. Sure, this child was twice the age we originally thought we could handle and it was only one versus two children. But, this must be a sign from God. Right?....
We were so in the dark we didn't even know it. We didn't know what questions to ask or what to prepare for. Other adoption agencies told the parent(s) how to prepare for the child(ren), but we were told nothing as far as that goes. And from the standpoint of information coming from Russia regarding *Kallie's background, there was no mention to us of any problems she could have, they had no background or family history, or otherwise on her.
At this point we were in complete bliss! After being infertile for 5-1/2 years, we were now going to have two children very soon! As a mother, I could not contain myself! My life was now going to be complete! This was all I ever wanted. Even though I had a wonderful job (which I had now quit and was just working in the family business to fill in the time until the adoption was complete so I could become a full-time mom) and had half my classes completed for my Master's in Counseling and Psychology, I felt like I was more or less doing those things to fill my time until I could be a mom! My dream was coming true! Here was my time........... finally. Or was it?

There are so many more things to say about this topic, and I will. But, I want to start getting your feedback on how your adoptions are going (or not going) out there. I haven't even gotten to the point of when we got home alltogether yet with *Kallie. So, obviously this is a long story with many parts and pieces. But, like I said, I really want to hear from you, too, because this can be such an isolated world out here. Let's start talking to make each other feel not so alone!