Hello and Welcome to the Mom's and Adoption Blog!

Everyone is welcome here. It is an open format to discuss your feelings without judgment. If you have come to judge or say something unkind to adoptive parents, please leave now (yes, I said everyone was welcome, with one exception, however). Thank you.

Otherwise, thank you so much for coming! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your comments and feedback. I started this blog to help other adoptive parents not to feel as isolated and alone in their feelings, as I did for so many years. With this blog, I hope to bring together the adoptive community as one. This is so we do not feel so alone and judged as we so many times do; even from ourselves. Please stay, relax and enjoy yourself. If at any time you feel judged, please let me know. Again thank you for coming.

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Saturday, February 27, 2010

At home... finally

So, once we were back at home with Isabella, we were pretty relieved to say the least! It isn't the easiest to travel with a child who doesn't seem to like you or want anything to do with you. But, that ended up being the least of our problems... being that I was 5 months pregnant, I got EXTREMELY ILL on the plane ride home (motion-sickness). I couldn't stop vomiting (hope you readers don't have weak stomachs, sorry!). I was so thankful to be home. I just wanted to go to bed, yet, I felt like I was supposed to be this super-mom and make Isabella feel comfortable and happy, etc. So, the guilt was already setting in (this guilt-thing is a common theme for me with regard to being a mom).
I remember getting into our home with her and she froze at the bottom of our stairs (right inside the house). We couldn't get her to go upstairs, we couldn't carry her because she started becoming physical, no one could go anywhere for quite some time until she was ready to move. We still to this day, 5-1/2 years later have no idea what happened that day.
Things then went decent for a week, and then, as planned, and told to Isabella in Russian before leaving Russia, Mike had to leave for 3 weeks for work. (I should state that when we adopted Isabella, she did not know one word of English)! During that time, Isabella and I were inseparable. She slept with me, and we did everything together. I hadn't put her in school yet. I waited until toward the end of the time Mike was gone. So, I was teaching her English and hanging out with her constantly. Isabella started school about 3 weeks after we got home (so 2 weeks into the time Mike was gone).
Then, when Mike came home she treated him like the plague! He interrupted what we had, so she was upset! I still spent the same amount of time with her, she just had to share me. To this day, she admits she does not do well with two adults at the same time. She prefers to only have the company of one adult. With one, she will usually chat and be more personable. With both Mike and I around, she RARELY talks. When we talk to her together, she clams up, talks very quiet, or barely answers.
This is another thing that has been her m.o. since she has been here. She talks so that she is barely audible, but then she will say something like, "It sounds to me like I am talking loud enough." Hmmm, that's pretty smart!
I thought our hardest part after Isabella came home with us was going to be teaching her English. That happened to be the easiest part! Isabella learned English very quickly. She was also in ESL at school.
From the day the adoption was final to the day I delivered Ava, was exactly 4 months. So, this was a lot of changes in a very short amount of time.
Mike and I got a lot of flak from our family about this. They said, in not so many words(and some of them came out and said it, too), that maybe things wouldn't be so bad with Isabella if I wouldn't have had a baby right away. Then, when I got pregnant again right away, guess what, more flak... and again with Lexi. How can anyone say anything negative when it's about a baby being born? Isabella had sisters in Russia that she left behind and she was very upset about it. So, I thought, what a blessing that we had all girls. It was almost like new sisters for her after losing her other sisters from Russia. That's why I couldn't believe when family actually put a negative light on it.
Do any of you battle with your family on issues with your adopted child(ren)?
We also had a lot of problems when we told our families that we were told that all gifts would need to go through us and we weren't going to allow sleep-overs anymore or long outings because we hadn't formed a good attachment from the beginning (because we didn't know how). Once we were told what to do, and that we had to pull Isabella back close to us and not allow our family in between us, they got very upset and did not respect our ideas very much. For some reason, they thought they knew better than we did even though they had never adopted. Hmmmm.... That was difficult to digest.
Isabella still has confusion, I think, when it comes to her loyalty and where she should get all of her love, food and needs met from. Unfortunately she has had teachers who have stepped in and gotten too close; by being friendly. For example: Isabella will go to class crying because she can't get an assignment done(interpretation: hasn't felt like doing it and the crying works, so hey, why not!), or something to that effect, and teachers always fall for it. Then, they feel sorry for her, they build a bond that mom and dad don't see happening, and it goes too far. Then, when mom makes a call to the teacher about something unrelated at a later time, or a conference comes up, and this relationshp becomes apparent. Isabella makes it a point to build bonds with ADULTS (not kids), at school, mostly. She gets her needs met this way. Sadly, it seriously stunts mom and dad's relationship with her. The more she knows it bothers us, the more she does it! This is another thing that has made me feel like a horrible mother. I'll try to go to these teachers to talk to them about RAD, etc, and tell them what we are up against. And, they think I am completely off my rocker to think there is anything wrong with Isabella! They tell me how great and charming she is, what a great student she is, how nice she is, etc. As if I am only saying negative things about my own daughter and they think if they don't stick up for her, no one will! It's terrible! This was another reason why I kept to myself for several years and didn't open up and talk about this. Every adult, it seemed, I tried to confide in, I got told I was so wrong about my daughter! As if, first, I was saying what a horrible little girl she was (I'm not), and that they needed to stick up for MY daughter! Who's child is she?!?! I know I can't seclude myself anymore. I've realized now this is unhealthy, and we adoptive parents need to stick together and be able to talk and be there for each other! If there are others of you out there who haven't reached out yet to talk, try taking the step today. We are here for you. I know I am. I won't judge you. Trust me when I say my story is a lot uglier than I have gotten into thus far... being alone is no fun! I spent years there!
Kristina

Name Change

Okay, change of heart...
I have decided to state the names of my children. For one, I will probably slip at one point soon as I am typing anyways. Two, I realize, if someone wants to, they can find out easy enough. So, it is my job as a parent to keep them safe and stating their names probably won't change anything...
If you are a Christian, please pray I am not making a mistake.
Isabella is our oldest and adopted daughter at 13-years-old.
Ava is our next oldest and just turned 5.
Kenzington is next, but we call her Diti, so that is how I will refer to her from now on. She is 3.
Alexis is the baby. She is 2. We call her Lexi or Lexilee, so you will see me call her one of the two from now on.

I have a lot of trust issues with my children because when I was a child I was sexually assaulted and molested by 3 different men (all different situations). So, now that I have 4 girls, there is an unimaginable burden I feel to keep them safe. We have NEVER used a babysitter with them, except Grandma, Grandpa or Aunt. I know there are more people like me out there because I have met them. I know I have to trust people, and I am learning. We did recently interview a babysitter that I liked, but we just haven't had an occassion to need her yet. Is it me just stalling? Maybe...
So, that's that. There are my angels real name's.
Are there any other mom's out there that are as scared as I am? It's hard to let the most precious things to us go! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thank God every night for giving me such precious gifts!
Kristina