tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-541617152207485672.post2915738637458304668..comments2010-04-15T11:38:58.573-05:00Comments on Moms and Adoption: Putting ourselves first....but listen to God...Kristinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14722319327079489528noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-541617152207485672.post-83380367136679663872010-03-21T21:07:04.989-05:002010-03-21T21:07:04.989-05:00Thank you for the encouragement, Kristina. Your re...Thank you for the encouragement, Kristina. Your response didn't make me feel worse...I'm actually relieved that you are understanding what I am trying to say. It is so hard to know what will/can work. You are not the first parent who has told me that no therapy has helped their RAD child. I have heard that over and over. It really makes me sad for these kids. I know that God has a plan for every person who He gives life to; I am almost desperate to know what His plan is for these kids who seem to have such a disadvantage through no fault of their own initially. Yet, on the other hand, there are plenty of people who are disadvantaged and would have plausible reasons for not living their life for the best; yet they overcome and do well! I do not understand where RAD kids fit into this picture. Are they really not capable of making good choices and figuring out right from wrong and moving past the pain and issues? Is there really no way to help them grasp that they are valuable human beings with great worth? That seems to be the basis of our daughter's poor choices is the fact that she doesn't see that she's worth making good choices, that she will ever be good enough to have a good life. She picks people to surround her who will never challenge her choices, who will go down with her without a fight, who will never ask her to reach for more out of life. It is so painful to watch her destroy her life. Do we have any influence in this anymore? Can we help her when she doesn't include us in her life much? Is the effort, expense and time that we are planning to pour into this RAD counseling going to be productive? That's what I'm tossing around in my heart and mind. <br /><br />I do understand what you are saying about changing your dance. I read recently that A+B=C and if we cannot change B (the other person in the equation), then we can still change the answer (C) by changing A (me). I've thought about that a lot not just in parenting, but in other relationships as well. Interesting concept.Lisa Hoffmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02503438494266727509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-541617152207485672.post-75906944141828301232010-03-21T15:26:53.991-05:002010-03-21T15:26:53.991-05:00Lisa, I know exactly what you mean about things be...Lisa, I know exactly what you mean about things being so complicated! I was just saying that exact thing to someone (probably my husband)just last week (I can hear myself saying it, just can't remember the exact recipient). This whole situation has made me feel like I have lost my mind in a lot of ways! <br />And, Lisa, I sooo know what you mean about not knowing if you can change. The only way I am able to change an inch is if I, #1, take things not even one day at a time, but even (I think it was you who said this, if I am not mistaken, sorry if I am wrong about who) situation by situation, hour by hour, minute by minute. And, most importantly, because God is on my side. That is the actual real reason. I couldn't do any of this if I didn't pray like crazy. Because let me tell you, as I try to "change the dance" as another adoptive mother, Cheri, told me, Isabella seems to be two or three steps ahead of me! How's that? Am I not the adult here? Shouldn't I be in control?<br />And, doing things wrong. I cannot tell you how many hundreds, not an exaggeration, yes, hundreds, of conversations my husband and I have had about if we had only done this or that, or started things out differently. Oh, I know....<br />And, you know the scary thing? I'm not convinced I'm changed! No, of course not. I have to rely on God for this. I have no energy left and no will to do anything anymore. People tell us to go to this or that place for therapy. Why? Nothing has worked so far.... That is truly where I am at with regard to her changing. Yes, it is sour. But, she has gone backwards with regard to change in the past 5-1/2 years, never forwards, so what do I have to believe in or hold on to? I feel your pain, Lisa. Maybe that is not what you wanted to hear. I feel bad. You probably needed to be brought up and I just made you feel worse! I am sorry. I am one of those people who are honest to a fault and say things like they are (if it's appropriate). <br />Please don't stop sharing. You are so brave to share your honest feelings. You are helping others that might be too afraid to say exactly the same things you said, as they are thinking them, too. I will pray for you. I wish I could help in some other way. Let me know if I can....Kristinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14722319327079489528noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-541617152207485672.post-45937375885579988272010-03-20T19:25:13.776-05:002010-03-20T19:25:13.776-05:00Not so much thinking, but I can tell you that read...Not so much thinking, but I can tell you that reading what you had to say makes me angry. Not angry at you by any means, but angry that this seems so complicated, and angry that it feels like we did so many things wrong, and angry that I don't know if I have it in me to change anything at this point.Lisa Hoffmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02503438494266727509noreply@blogger.com