I am at the end of my rope.......

I am feeling very down in the dumps today about our adoption and what we are going through. I am also feeling very alone and like no one understands. Do any of you feel that way sometimes? I go up and down regarding having hope and if our adoption is going to work out or not. Are we going to have a family with four children or three children? I can't really picture our family without Isabella, but some days I get to the end of my rope.
Today I am really hurting and feeling very isolated. I know that Isabella feels the same way, but it is hard to see that when I have felt stuck for so long, and, okay, yes, I am saying the wrong thing here, but I feel like she is the cause. I'm sure a lot of experts would say I can't see her side and start to heal until I stop feeling sorry for myself. But, man it hurts when you have someone in your home for 5-1/2 years who does so much to hurt you. I know, too, it supposedly is not personal, but my entire life with children has been about "this adoption problem."
Again, I need to say that I know it is not Isabella as a person who is causing this. I know she was wounded and hurt as a baby, and she is just reacting to what she knows. But, there is that logic center in me (I am way too logical of a person for this problem, I feel, because I can't see past this) that says, after 5-1/2 years, don't you know I love you, and don't you trust me enough to know I won't throw you away by now? That is where I have such an issue.
Not only that, but Isabella starts doing "crazy making" things so often. That is when I get really upset. That is the part I do not understand. She seems to do it many times without cause and provocation.
I thought it would make me feel better to find out that so many other children with Reactive Attachment Disorder do the same thing. This comes mostly from the information I re-learned last weekend talking and listening to other adoptive parents. It was a wonderful event, and I am so glad I went. I was thinking and hoping it would make me more understanding and patient toward Isabella. But, for some reason it didn't change anything. I am very sad for that. I feel so stuck.
I think it is because I do have a change of heart quite frequently. Every few days I wake up and decide "let's try this again!" Then, that is when it all starts all over again with her antics..........
I apologize to my readers if it sounds as though I am just complaining. But, any of you out there who are going through similar situations know there are a lot of times you feel so alone and just need someone to "talk" to or you just have to vent. Living with a child who has R.A.D. is A LOT to deal with. Especially if you are the mother. You mom's know what I mean! I do talk to my husband about it, and we do have a good relationship. But, when it comes to Isabella, it is difficult. He never sees it as dire as a problem as I do. That just makes me feel even more alone and isolated. That is what triggered today's feelings of being so low. I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't quite get it. He says he does and can put himself in my shoes, but he just doesn't act like it. I guess I know how upset I am about the situation on many days, but I have no one else in the world who is as upset as I am.
I have thought about if roles were reversed, and if I could understand how he felt. I know it would be hard, but, I don't know, maybe I could understand, maybe I couldn't. Sometimes I just feel like I would try harder, or show it more. Maybe that is the problem more. He doesn't show it to me. I know men have a problem with that.
I don't want to throw him under the bus either. It is just sooo frustrating when I feel like I am beating my head against the wall, and all I want is for someone to understand!!! That is all I feel like I want right now. Someone to say, "ya, you put up with a lot.... it is hard.... I know.... I see it... I see what happens..." Or, if any of you out there are going through something similar, I would much appreciate to hear from you. It's nice to know from someone who has or is going through this, that it is going to be okay.

The sad thing is, if you have done a forein adoption, you have a 99% chance of your child(ren) ending up with attchment issues. If your adoption was within the United States, you have a 76% chance of having attachment issues. That is a lot to swallow! So, in my eyes when we adoptive parents need a shoulder to cry on or need to talk to someone, I don't ever see it as a negative thing or like we are complaining. This is a very difficult situation to handle and you are better of talking to someone over taking it out on the child. God knows that there are enough times He has had to control me from that. Sorry if that offends any of you, but any of you in this situation know what I mean. I am a very honest person, so if you read my blog, you will have to understand that.
So far I have been really mellow on what I have written because I am still "testing the waters with my readers." Hopefully the few of you that have started out with me will stick with me, and God-willing we will get more readers! I would love to get more dialogue going! Usually I am not this much of a downer! I am just having a tough day. So stick with me!
Please, I would love to hear some of your stories out there. Again, not that I want anyone to be hurting, but I know you are out there, so please, join in with us and share! =)

The Birthday Party

Okay, so I decided I couldn't just stay with the idea of only telling the back story of the adoption, or the story from the beginning, and not tell any of what is going on currently. So, this story is from today...
I was glad to find out recently that I wasn't the only adoptive parent who was having "crazy-making" things happening to them! Not that I want others to be going through any of the heart-break that I am, but I know that others are, so I was thanking God that we could comrade together so that none of us feel so isolated and alone. I know that is how I felt for soooo long. So isolated and so alone. It is terrible to feel that way. I am just now starting to come out of that cocoon and trust people with our stories little by little. At first when I told people about what things Isabella was doing, I got so many people telling me I must be imagining things, I must be crazy, I saw it wrong, she's too sweet to do anything like that, and so many more things that just drew me further into a hole!
A good example of what I am talking about was today's events. I warned Isabella last evening that I was going to need her help today to get ready for her sister Ava's birthday party. Ava just turned 5 and it was her first party that we had with friends her age. Prior to that it had just been family at her party's. So, it was a very special party for all of us. But, quietly Isabella wanted to sabotage it because it wasn't her special day. So, EVERYTHING I asked Isabella to do from the moment we awoke until Ava's friends arrived at 2:00pm she did the opposite of. And when I would ask her what she was doing, she would just stare at me or say, "what do you mean?". I mean all of you out there know how much work it is to get ready for a birthday party; clean the house, decorations, cake, food, drink, crafts and activities and so much more! Even after Ava's friends were over I would ask Isabella for something so easy and she would say okay and just not do it just to see me get upset in front of Ava's friends. All day she was an angel for everyone else, but she was doing everything she could to upset me because she knew it was a day that was special. I was looking forward to it as well, because I was so happy for Ava. That is the stuff that kids like Isabella thrive on because they love to push the buttons of their mother and do anything they can to provoke them on a day they know is special. Or, at least that is Isabella's area of expertise; along with many other things!
Then I have family members who tell me this is typical kid stuff! Ha! Never! Not when this is coupled with everything else that happens around our house (Isabella hiding my stuff all the time, hurting her sisters at times, lying CONSTANTLY, the list goes on and on). I am not trying to throw Isabella under the bus. I know she didn't get the love she needed as a baby/ child. But, it is also very difficult when I have been her mother for 5 1/2 years and things are the same if not worse. And, she told me close to two weeks ago now that she likes to see me hurting! What am I supposed to do with that?!?! As her mother, someone who loves her and has tried so hard, what do I do now? It makes it very difficult to keep giving to a person who likes to see you hurt! That is like staying in an abusive relationship with a man. Not that woman don't do that sometimes. I made that mistake with a boyfriend about 16years ago. Whoah, that just made me feel really old!
Okay, I need to stop having a pity party for myself.
Do any of you out there have any stories you want to share about tough times you have been having? Or, anything else that you want to share is great, too!

At home... finally

So, once we were back at home with Isabella, we were pretty relieved to say the least! It isn't the easiest to travel with a child who doesn't seem to like you or want anything to do with you. But, that ended up being the least of our problems... being that I was 5 months pregnant, I got EXTREMELY ILL on the plane ride home (motion-sickness). I couldn't stop vomiting (hope you readers don't have weak stomachs, sorry!). I was so thankful to be home. I just wanted to go to bed, yet, I felt like I was supposed to be this super-mom and make Isabella feel comfortable and happy, etc. So, the guilt was already setting in (this guilt-thing is a common theme for me with regard to being a mom).
I remember getting into our home with her and she froze at the bottom of our stairs (right inside the house). We couldn't get her to go upstairs, we couldn't carry her because she started becoming physical, no one could go anywhere for quite some time until she was ready to move. We still to this day, 5-1/2 years later have no idea what happened that day.
Things then went decent for a week, and then, as planned, and told to Isabella in Russian before leaving Russia, Mike had to leave for 3 weeks for work. (I should state that when we adopted Isabella, she did not know one word of English)! During that time, Isabella and I were inseparable. She slept with me, and we did everything together. I hadn't put her in school yet. I waited until toward the end of the time Mike was gone. So, I was teaching her English and hanging out with her constantly. Isabella started school about 3 weeks after we got home (so 2 weeks into the time Mike was gone).
Then, when Mike came home she treated him like the plague! He interrupted what we had, so she was upset! I still spent the same amount of time with her, she just had to share me. To this day, she admits she does not do well with two adults at the same time. She prefers to only have the company of one adult. With one, she will usually chat and be more personable. With both Mike and I around, she RARELY talks. When we talk to her together, she clams up, talks very quiet, or barely answers.
This is another thing that has been her m.o. since she has been here. She talks so that she is barely audible, but then she will say something like, "It sounds to me like I am talking loud enough." Hmmm, that's pretty smart!
I thought our hardest part after Isabella came home with us was going to be teaching her English. That happened to be the easiest part! Isabella learned English very quickly. She was also in ESL at school.
From the day the adoption was final to the day I delivered Ava, was exactly 4 months. So, this was a lot of changes in a very short amount of time.
Mike and I got a lot of flak from our family about this. They said, in not so many words(and some of them came out and said it, too), that maybe things wouldn't be so bad with Isabella if I wouldn't have had a baby right away. Then, when I got pregnant again right away, guess what, more flak... and again with Lexi. How can anyone say anything negative when it's about a baby being born? Isabella had sisters in Russia that she left behind and she was very upset about it. So, I thought, what a blessing that we had all girls. It was almost like new sisters for her after losing her other sisters from Russia. That's why I couldn't believe when family actually put a negative light on it.
Do any of you battle with your family on issues with your adopted child(ren)?
We also had a lot of problems when we told our families that we were told that all gifts would need to go through us and we weren't going to allow sleep-overs anymore or long outings because we hadn't formed a good attachment from the beginning (because we didn't know how). Once we were told what to do, and that we had to pull Isabella back close to us and not allow our family in between us, they got very upset and did not respect our ideas very much. For some reason, they thought they knew better than we did even though they had never adopted. Hmmmm.... That was difficult to digest.
Isabella still has confusion, I think, when it comes to her loyalty and where she should get all of her love, food and needs met from. Unfortunately she has had teachers who have stepped in and gotten too close; by being friendly. For example: Isabella will go to class crying because she can't get an assignment done(interpretation: hasn't felt like doing it and the crying works, so hey, why not!), or something to that effect, and teachers always fall for it. Then, they feel sorry for her, they build a bond that mom and dad don't see happening, and it goes too far. Then, when mom makes a call to the teacher about something unrelated at a later time, or a conference comes up, and this relationshp becomes apparent. Isabella makes it a point to build bonds with ADULTS (not kids), at school, mostly. She gets her needs met this way. Sadly, it seriously stunts mom and dad's relationship with her. The more she knows it bothers us, the more she does it! This is another thing that has made me feel like a horrible mother. I'll try to go to these teachers to talk to them about RAD, etc, and tell them what we are up against. And, they think I am completely off my rocker to think there is anything wrong with Isabella! They tell me how great and charming she is, what a great student she is, how nice she is, etc. As if I am only saying negative things about my own daughter and they think if they don't stick up for her, no one will! It's terrible! This was another reason why I kept to myself for several years and didn't open up and talk about this. Every adult, it seemed, I tried to confide in, I got told I was so wrong about my daughter! As if, first, I was saying what a horrible little girl she was (I'm not), and that they needed to stick up for MY daughter! Who's child is she?!?! I know I can't seclude myself anymore. I've realized now this is unhealthy, and we adoptive parents need to stick together and be able to talk and be there for each other! If there are others of you out there who haven't reached out yet to talk, try taking the step today. We are here for you. I know I am. I won't judge you. Trust me when I say my story is a lot uglier than I have gotten into thus far... being alone is no fun! I spent years there!
Kristina

Name Change

Okay, change of heart...
I have decided to state the names of my children. For one, I will probably slip at one point soon as I am typing anyways. Two, I realize, if someone wants to, they can find out easy enough. So, it is my job as a parent to keep them safe and stating their names probably won't change anything...
If you are a Christian, please pray I am not making a mistake.
Isabella is our oldest and adopted daughter at 13-years-old.
Ava is our next oldest and just turned 5.
Kenzington is next, but we call her Diti, so that is how I will refer to her from now on. She is 3.
Alexis is the baby. She is 2. We call her Lexi or Lexilee, so you will see me call her one of the two from now on.

I have a lot of trust issues with my children because when I was a child I was sexually assaulted and molested by 3 different men (all different situations). So, now that I have 4 girls, there is an unimaginable burden I feel to keep them safe. We have NEVER used a babysitter with them, except Grandma, Grandpa or Aunt. I know there are more people like me out there because I have met them. I know I have to trust people, and I am learning. We did recently interview a babysitter that I liked, but we just haven't had an occassion to need her yet. Is it me just stalling? Maybe...
So, that's that. There are my angels real name's.
Are there any other mom's out there that are as scared as I am? It's hard to let the most precious things to us go! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thank God every night for giving me such precious gifts!
Kristina

At the Orphanage... The pick-up

So, here it goes... What I thought was going to be one of the happiest days in my life, somewhat like having a baby, turned into something a little different. We went to the orphanage to pick up *Kallie and after all of the red tape was done and she said "good-bye" to the couple of staff members, we started on our way. It did not seem like a happy day for Kallie! She was sooo upset! We also rode back from the orphanage to Moscow with two other families who adopted a child, and those two children seemed fine and calm. Kallie, however, was hysterical for hours!! Mike nor I knew what to do! She was completely inconsolable! If someone happened upon the scene and didn't know what had transpired already that day, they would have thought we kidnapped Kallie! It was awful! I just held her. She didn't want anything to do with Mike at that point. We asked the adoption counter-part from Russia who spoke Russian and English to ask her a few questions, but Kallie wouldn't talk at all. (Kallie didn't speak a word of English at this point). After several hours, her crying finally ceased. It wasn't like she calmed down, though. It was only that she wore herself out! I know we were worn out!
Shortly thereafter we all reached our hotel in Moscow. Everyone was hungry as we had been traveling all day and hadn't really stopped to eat. The restaurant we went to at the hotel had the menu in both English and Russian. Thank God. We were motioning to Kallie asking what she wanted to eat. She wasn't hungry.
How was I supposed to take care of my new daughter if she wouldn't eat? She was so tiny! She only weighed 38lbs at that time! And she was 8-years-old! She needed to eat! We were so worried about her.
Little did we know this would become one of our biggest battles and power struggles to come in the near future. We should have just left well enough alone. The same thing ended up happening the next morning when she didn't want to eat before we left for the airport. Along with many other times to come... my husband and I wanted her to eat because she needed to grow and was mal-nutritioned. She saw it as a power-struggle and like us trying to make her do something she didn't want to. So, she didn't do it. That upset us. That was one of our #1 problems (at first). We fell hook-line-and sinker right into that problem. New parents right here!! Did not know what we were doing so when presented by a power-struggle, we ran right into it and got very frustrated with her and kept fighting and fighting and trying to win (and thought we could).
Has that happened to any of you out there? It was really hard, especially becoming the insta-parents of an older child who already had tricks up her sleeve, but we were still learning so much so fast!
Let's hear from some of you out there who have maybe lived through similar situations. What have you done when this type of thing has happened?
Are others of you going through older-child adoption issues, or where do your issues stem from?
I can't wait to hear from others out there!

Adoption... The Court Hearing

So now my husband and I knew which child we were going to adopt. Or rather, the adoption agency knew exactly which child we were going to adopt, and we just knew a name at this point. I remember my emotions ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute I was elated and the next scared out of my mind!! Not only had I never had children, but I was also pregnant and was going to be flying to Russia twice; another country and a place I had never been.
I was told several things regarding the Russian judge and how he might not think too kindly of me because I was already pregnant and adopting another child (we were told they usually only have one child per family in their country). So, for the first trip I was told to hide the pregnancy and to continue to do so.
The second trip was the actual adoption via showing up for court in front of a Russian judge. When we got there for that trip the idea of hiding the pregnancy was re-thought by the adoption agency. They decided it was probably going to be okay if we told the judge the truth. It was translated by the adoption agency counter-part in Russia that I was pregnant and the judge was okay with it.
I was so terrified he would not okay the adoption because of the baby, however.
It all worked out, though, and we were proud, happy new parents!
At the time, I remember, we were with two other adoptive families and one had already adopted several times from Russia. They knew the drill, obviously. Each family (couple) goes into court separately, and the adoption agency translator is already in there along with the judge and the court reporter. A bunch of things are said in Russian, a few questions are asked of us, we answered, more things are said in Russian, we were nodded at and sent out of the room.
It was not at all like I pictured it to be. Our child was never there. She was still at the orphanage the entire time. When we left the court room, I still didn't know if the adoption was granted to us or not. I had to ask the family who had been through the process several times if we were new parents or not. They asked us if we heard a particular phrase in Russian said. I told them, "yes, I think." And they told us congratulations we were new parents! It was so weird that no one in Russia seemed happy for us at all! It was just another day in court to them! Very strange! Russians are a very stoic people, too. In America we are the opposite! It is the beginning of a life and a new family no matter the age at which you adopt the child! It is a joyous occasion!
The biggest feeling for me at this point was relief because I was sooo worried if the adoption was going to go through or not. We were prepped that the adoption may not go through due to the pregnancy, and when I couldn't understand anything that was being said during the court hearing, I was really scared! I felt so much relief and felt so calm at this point, I was ready to go pick up my daughter!
The first trip we met and visited with her went a little different than I had expected and hoped for, but I still couldn't wait to go get my little girl! That trip when we met Kallie, I felt like she connected with my husband but not really with me. It really hurt me and I was a little worried we wouldn't connect, but I figured I just needed to give the relationship time.
I remember from the first trip that all she wanted to do was play with my husband. I was really happy for them, but it was hard on me because being pregnant I couldn't physically play the same way they were playing. For some reason I thought we would be adopting this child who would so desperately want a mother-figure and would glom onto me and want hugs and cuddles and such. But, it was nothing like that. All she wanted was to be played with. She wanted nothing to do with being cuddled. And, when I tried to play with her, she didn't seem to want anything to do with me or the way I could play with her so she would go back to my husband. It was really hurtful. I wanted her to want a mother but she just wanted a play-mate. I know it shouldn't have been about me, but I guess I had inflated expectations. As I'm sure others of you out there know, we can't ignore our own feelings as the parents.
I'm sure I was more sensitive from being pregnant. But, I also know I had a ton of ideas in my head of what this adoption was going to be like and certain expectations, and all of my ideas in my head were failing! My dream was already wavering. I was getting a tad worried already. But, I put all that aside knowing I had only just met her once. Did any of this mean anything?
I knew that when I had to leave her at the orphanage between the first and second visit it was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever had to do. It tore my heart out. I had to leave my beautiful baby with someone else whom I didn't even know. Was I going to see her again? What if they didn't let us get her next time? What if this was just a game and now they got our money but they wouldn't let us have our daughter? I cried sooo hard at the hotel that night before we left to go back to the States. How could I leave my baby in another country? It tore me up!

It got even more tumultuous when we picked up *Kallie after the adoption when it should have been one of the happiest days of our lives!
Stay tuned for that story next....

Adoption... Before Mom and Dad Knew ANYTHING!

How many of you out there feel alone and isolated from the effects of an adoption (for example due to the effects of Reactive Attachment Disorder)? There are so many parts and pieces of an adoption that can cause a person (usually one or both of the parents, and more-so the mother) to feel this way. It is very painful and can make a person, usually the parent(s) start to question who they are as a person, and can challenge one's self-esteem, especially the longer it goes on.
That is what has been happening to me for over five years now.
We currently have four children; 3 biological and one adopted. My husband and I had been married for almost a year when we decided to try and start having children.
I will be talking about infertility in another segment, but we dealt with that for 5-1/2 years before any children came along, which was VERY painful (as any of you know who are going through that, or have been through it).
After a couple of miscarriages we decided to adopt. My husband had always wanted to adopt, and I was neither opposed nor totally for it at first. At the time I worked in the field of child protection, so I knew how many children needed a wonderful, loving home. I wanted to be able to help children more than anything, and give a loving home to one or more children, but I also knew at some point in the future I had to have a child biologically. It was something I had felt deep within me for a long time along with wanting to adopt.
As a couple, several years later and a couple of miscarriages later, we decided to adopt. We now know this as the pivotal point in our relationship; not only as a couple, but to our future family. This has taught us more than we ever thought we could and would know about so many facets of our lives, along with turning our world upside-down on a daily and sometime hourly or minute-by-minute basis.

*I will be changing the first names of my children to protect their identity*
My husband and I adopted *Kallie one week prior to her eighth birthday in the Fall of 2004. I should preface with a few facts first. Hmmmmm..... where to start...........
Once we finally decided to adopt, my body finally got in gear to have kids and also got pregnant. Ever hear of that happening? Almost everyone seems to know someone that has happened to! Also, this was an overseas/ International Adoption from Russia. So while I was pregnant, we were rushing through the adoption as quickly as we could so we could get home with our precious new child prior to me not being able to fly in the last trimester of my pregnancy. Through all of this, however, little did we know that the nightmare was already starting.
We went through a small agency because they were less money (still very expensive as adoptive parent(s) know), they could get us through the process more quickly, there were no classes we needed to take and very little "red-tape." So, the nightmare wasn't happening at this point with *Kallie, we just didn't know any better as new parents, especially as new adoptive parents, so we were so happy they were getting us through this so quickly so we could get home so fast!! In hind-sight there are so many things I know now and would tell someone who is adopting a child; ESPECIALLY an older-child.
Rushing it was definitely our first and biggest mistake. Because we were in a rush and the agency knew that, they took full advantage of that and rushed us through without trying to match us with the right child, connect us up with any classes or other helpful information (other families who have adopted, etc.); anything that would or could have prepared us as to what was to come. That was the most disappointing part is that I feel preyed upon. Especially when it came to us writing our "letter of intent" as to what we wanted for our child(ren).
Now, I know to many of you this sounds very wrong. It did to me too. But, here it is. All it means is you tell them how many children you want, the sex (I know, playing God a bit), the age(s) and if you will accept a special needs child, etc. Now, my husband and I weren't very specific. We did originally ask for two children (we didn't know I was pregnant at the time of writing the letter), and asked that they be no older than four years of age, I believe. We were told even when you write the letter with the parameters, nothing was written in stone. Not long after we wrote this letter, my husband was away on business and he called me from New York with wonderful news! The adoption agency had called him and told him about a little girl who was "about eight-years-old" and it was "her last chance to be adopted." What?! What did that mean? Here I was several months pregnant, emotional beyond belief, elated to finally have babies and children, oh, and they told us that we should only adopt one child now and not two because we were pregnant. Okay, this was a lot of information to process.
After getting more information, it meant that *Kallie was getting too old to be at the orphanage that she was in so she would be getting moved to another orphanage if we, specifically, didn't adopt her. No one else was on the horizon to adopt her so we were her last chance! It was us or she would be shipped to this "other orphanage" and "never be adopted." How heartbreaking was this information for anyone to hear?! Of course we would adopt her. God must have meant this child for us because otherwise she would be left alone and not adopted like so many kids I saw every day as a Social Worker. I couldn't see another child go through this. It was settled. This was our child! My husband and I agreed almost immediately. Sure, this child was twice the age we originally thought we could handle and it was only one versus two children. But, this must be a sign from God. Right?....
We were so in the dark we didn't even know it. We didn't know what questions to ask or what to prepare for. Other adoption agencies told the parent(s) how to prepare for the child(ren), but we were told nothing as far as that goes. And from the standpoint of information coming from Russia regarding *Kallie's background, there was no mention to us of any problems she could have, they had no background or family history, or otherwise on her.
At this point we were in complete bliss! After being infertile for 5-1/2 years, we were now going to have two children very soon! As a mother, I could not contain myself! My life was now going to be complete! This was all I ever wanted. Even though I had a wonderful job (which I had now quit and was just working in the family business to fill in the time until the adoption was complete so I could become a full-time mom) and had half my classes completed for my Master's in Counseling and Psychology, I felt like I was more or less doing those things to fill my time until I could be a mom! My dream was coming true! Here was my time........... finally. Or was it?

There are so many more things to say about this topic, and I will. But, I want to start getting your feedback on how your adoptions are going (or not going) out there. I haven't even gotten to the point of when we got home alltogether yet with *Kallie. So, obviously this is a long story with many parts and pieces. But, like I said, I really want to hear from you, too, because this can be such an isolated world out here. Let's start talking to make each other feel not so alone!