Hmmmm... what's that? Putting ourselves first as a mom to our beautiful children? Whether adopted or not. How many of us do that? Isn't that selfish and un-Christian? That is what I told myselft for years and still do most days. But, how are we supposed to be a good mother to our wonderful children if we don't take care of ourselves? I remember as a teenager going to a weekend retreat with my best friend at the time. When I got there it was at the biggest Catholic church in our area, and it seemed half my high school was there as well. The lesson of the weekend was J.O.Y.; Jesus, Others, then You. I still sometimes question that because if we always put others first (I believe in putting God first, however), do we ever truly take care of ourselves? I know I didn't take care of myself for many, many years! It was sooo unhealthy! It became scary. My physical and emotional health faltered in a way I could not have imagined.
Prior to trying to get pregnant, I was in great shape. I was close to 100 lbs. less than I am now and felt great! Now, I have fibromyalgia, I weigh far too much for my frame, I have gone through bouts of depression; all of this since this situation started with putting the adoption before myself. I am not blaming anyone else, I am just stating that I let go completely of taking care of myself, and began to only take care of my family. Part of that was inescapable because I had 4 children in 3 years. Three infants and a very high maintenance child who took a ton of time and care! So, of course at first all of the children needed 24/7 constant care. I have absolutely no regrets; it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I just ended up losing myself in all of it, and now need to find myself again!
I started my own personal therapy 3 months ago so that I could better understand my own feelings and come up with better reactions to Isabella. How I was reacting to her before, and still do now on occasion, is not healthy. It does not do either one of us any good when I am upset and angry. Are some of you with me on this one?
It took me a while to get over the fact that if I let her "get away with something," which is what I enterpreted the situation as when I didn't discipline her, but just ignored what happened, it was sooo much healthier for me. I figured if I did this, she would think she won! How could I let her win when she had hurt me so?! Are some of you thinking the same thing here, too? Man, this was hard for me! Honestly, ladies (hopefully some gentleman, too!), this was one of the hardest changes I have ever had to make! Do you know what, though? It has been the best thing I have done! I can't believe it! I have only had the courage to implement this (and listen to God telling me and urging me) very steadily the past 2-3 weeks. Yes, you would think I could have gotten with the program more quickly. But, I guess my dad says our side of the family is "bull-headed." So, not so smartly I was trying to do things my own way, when God knew better all along! I guess I need to start trusting Him more because He always leads me in the right way!
Further, as I have been told by several other adoptive parents that have successfully tried this change... if we do not like how things are going with our adoptive child, we as the parents need to change how we treat them, react, etc. That is pretty much what I said above. The hardest part for me in that, was I didn't think I should have to change! I felt Isabella was the one causing the problems, so why couldn't we just fix her? I know that isn't the most loving thing to say, but I think you adoptive RAD parents out there know exactly what I mean. We don't feel like this every day, maybe, but I know many days I feel like, in all honesty, my life was pretty darn good before all of this, and the reason it isn't now is because of this adoption. Whew, glad to get that off my chest! So, how many readers did I just lose? ;) Buuuuuttttt, as you know, I said I gave in to changing. So, as much as I would love for Isabella to be able to change, too, I realized it was healthier for ME, if I did so, too!
One other note to that, is, I also just started seeing a nutritionist last month to get myself healthier. Funny enough, the very first time I met her she told me how I had to stop giving my kids my food every time I sit down to eat. I used to feed my kids first, then get my food. As I would eat, somehow the little one's would become hungry again (could they really be hungry 30 minutes later?) and take as much as they felt like. Even though I felt a little ripped off, they were my babies. Wasn't I supposed to give them what they needed? As she reminded me, I had just fed them. I HAD given them what they needed. So, when I sat down, this was my time now. And, because I had measured my food to comply with what she had laid out for me, she told me not to let them have my food. She wanted me eating everything I had for my meal because they were foods my body needed. The point is, this was another lesson for me in putting myself first in this situation. It was hard to say, "no," to my babies. They are my life. I say "no" to them all the time when it comes to loving discipline. However, this was different. Do you know what, again, though? It felt good to start putting myself first here. It was in a healthy way. So, putting ourselves first doesn't mean putting others last, or not taking care of others or anything of the like.
So, I am not saying that we should put our family or chilren at the bottom; not by any means! However, as most of you parents know, if we don't take care of ourselves (usually that means first), how can we be a good mother or father to our beautiful children? There is a reason why when we fly on an airplane that the flight attendant(s) tell us to put our own oxygen mask on first before our child(ren). The first time I flew with Isabella only- as flying with my first child (coming back from the adoption in Russia), I thought, how awful. Not give my child oxygen until I do? That doesn't sound like a good parent! But, how it makes sense doesn't it? We can't give our children life unless we are living! Take care of yourself mom's and dad's! Please! You are worth it!
I would love to hear what others are thinking after reading this! Please share your comments below or ask questions!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Let's go to therapy.... again??
Our family hasn't had the greatest luck when it comes to therapy and helping our adoption problems. At the beginning of all of this, when the problems started 5-1/2 years ago (yes, ours started right away), I wanted Isabella to go to therapy and get fixed herself! I didn't understand why that couldn't happen! Our first contact with therapy was from Christian Recovery Center. My husband and I were sooo disappointed in that therapy. It was "play therapy." Now, I know from my background as a social worker that play therapy has its place. But, Isabella's therapist there was sooo convinced she had been abused in more ways than what her paperwork showed (it showed neglect by mom and dirty home; but no sexual or physical abuse). And, Isabella had concurred this to me that it was true; everything her papers said was correct; no physical or sexual abuse. But, this therapist was on a witch hunt to find mostly sexual abuse by way of playing board games with her. And, my biggest problem was, that's all they did week after week. Play games. Seriously. It was awful for Mike and I. Isabella thought it was a dream come true. Here we were trying to build a bond with our daughter, unsuccessfully I might add, and then this other man rides in on a horse and does one of her favorite things. He showed her no boundaries, just wanted to be her best friend. And, what was worse, I had just had Ava (or she was still very young), and I had just become pregnant again. So, Mike was taking her to the appointments because I didn't have the best pregnancies. I felt so out of control with the whole thing. How could I tell her not to play with him when I could hardly play with her myself? I felt terrible! After not too much longer we stopped going to him because it was doing no good at all. Isabella was not moving forward even slightly. Also, the ONLY report we EVER got from him was after playing a game with her one night he told Mike she wasn't always playing honestly, and he also said, "there sure is another side to that girl!" He hit that nail on the head! He said it in such a way as to mean another personality, or something. It was very interesting he would say that so soon into the adoption. That was the only positive thing came from that therapy.
After him my mom was trying to help, and so she set us up with someone from her Sweet Adelines singing group who had some kind of background in therapy. That was an awful day when she came over, let me tell you! This woman came into our home and blamed all of the problems we were having on my husband and I. Isabella is very petite for her age (which makes her look even more cute and tiny), and she knows exactly when to put on the waterworks and look sad and sorry, etc. So, that day she immediately picked up on the fact that this woman was coming down on her mom and dad but feeling totally sorry for her, and she liked it. She was eating out of the palm of this lady's hand. This lady also had the audacity to tell my husband that he was an angry person all because we were being honest about our feelings when she asked questions about how we felt. I was in shock. At least we were being honest about where we were at with the relationship, instead of lying. We told her we weren't at a place where we could do all of the suggestions the RAD books say regarding building a bond with the child, due to the hurt that had been caused so far.
Once again, someone putting the adoptive parent in this place where we are supposedly doing something wrong. This was another reason why I didn't want to talk to anyone for so long. I always felt attacked. My husband and I got this a lot! We had quite a few people, family included, telling us we were doing things wrong and how we were bad parents. It was horrible! I could never have imagined something so horrible!
So, my husband left the room when this lady became rude, and sadly I knew my mom was somewhat friends with her. So, as much as I wanted to tell her to go fly, I felt I had to be cordial, because that is how my mom brought me up. So, I just told her she could leave. She got the message and figured out we weren't going to have her back.
I then really started praying for what to do next because things weren't getting any better. At that point I was feeling REALLY alone and sad, and was convinced no one understood! God led me to put a prayer request on a prayer card at church. I asked the church to pray for our family regarding the problems we were having with Isabella and not being able to attach with her as a family. Shortly thereafter I got a phone call from the Parish Nurse asking us if she could come to our house and talk with us, pray with us and counsel us a little. We were pretty worn out at this point, but at least this was someone who wouldn't judge us, so we accepted. It went well in that it was nice to have extra people praying for our family. We definately needed that. Yet, again, she had no experience in Reactive Attachment Disorder, so, for me, people like that are hard to have therapy with. They want to help, but they are used to counseling mainstream problems, and RAD is so not that! And, I find that when people counsel in a mainstream way, it makes things worse. Or, at least it has for us. The way the relationship is built with a RAD person and everyone involved, including a therapist, is totally different. So, if the therapist is not versed in RAD and they just do regular therapy, they don't go about building the relationship and trust correctly. This is so dire! There are those rare therapists who know how to appropriately build that trust, and it works! If not, things can get worse. Kids with RAD know how to play games, and I have seen several therapists and teachers at school get played because they don't know what they are getting themselves into. These kids are extremely smart when it comes to getting what they want! They watch the people in their life they need to, and whom they are going to at some point need to use or play. I should state that the Parish Nurse was extremely nice and she didn't make things worse, per se. It just gets hard when you have one more adult coming into your home doting on the RAD child before you've built that bond with your child. The adult has no idea how destructive that is. And, how do you tell someone so nice that is from your church? We have found that everyone seems to think that all Isabella needs is love. "Love will conquer all!" So, they come over, pour love, affection, attention and many times gifts on her, without being equal to her sisters. She sits back completely loving it but acting like she doesn't. So, they feel even more sorry for her. Then, they think they need to do it again at a later time! This has also happened to us on many, many occasions.
Has this happened to any of you out there?
To finish with the therapy piece, we did see the Parish Nurse off and on numerous times as she was mostly a fabulous support to the family! I would also stop and see her to give her updates when I was at the church every week for a Mom's Group that met there. So, we kept in touch with her for quite a while.
In the middle of all of this, at Isabella's elementary school, we were seeing the school counselor. She was a fabulous person! I don't think she will mind me saying her first name, Dana. We would have loved to go further with Dana, except that Dana told us forthright that our situation exceeded her training. She didn't have specific training in adoption or RAD. But, she was so wonderful in that she was non-judgmental, she listened, she believed me and she was pretty much the only one at that time who did! Thanks Dana, if you ever read this. She got me through some really tough times! She stuck with us from the time Isabella was adopted and started her first elementary school, for the next four school years (almost). So, we went through a lot with her and she helped us with a lot of issues. She helped me more than any other therapist.
I know that sounds contrary to what I was just saying above, but this wasn't the one-on-one therapy session with Isabella alone where she was having to build the right kind of trust. Don't get me wrong. They did do counseling at school. But, even with that, Dana managed to do that as well as a RAD counselor would! However, mostly what she did with our family was talk to me about what we could do to make things better, she did home visits with me, when I was worried about an eating disorder with Isabella she brought the school nurse to my home along with her, and so much more. She ALWAYS went the extra mile. That's what made her so special. I pray for another one like her! Unfortunately when we moved a little less than two years ago, we changed schools. Isabella would have gone to middle school the next year later anyways, I guess, but we never made as good of connections at either new school (and they are in the same district!).
Lastly, we thought we were being really smart when my husband found out about an attachment center that did therapy out of Deephaven, I think it was. The best part was, they did in-home therapy. We really needed that because we had so many little one's, and we all felt involved at this point. In case you are wondering, this was again just shortly after the Parish Nurse. The very first therapist was about a year after we adopted Isabella, and this last one was about 2-1/2 years after the adoption (so about 1-1/2 years from the first to the starting of the last).
We had heard wonderful things about this place and it had been recommended several times by several different people. On one hand I was totally burnt out and had absolutely no interest in starting therapy again. However, on the other hand, this place was supposed to be the be-all, end-all. This center should solve all of our problems. I could relax. It was going to be over soon. No more problems. We hit the jackpot. I thought they were going to fix Isabella. I was excited. Hopefully they would see all of the hurt she causes us. Or.....
We got a therapist who was VERY young. I think we were her first clients, and I felt like she was doing her internship and wasn't really done with school yet. I had a problem with this because (not just because of the rates), I felt like she was just randomly trying things with us. I felt like she didn't concretely know anything for sure. It was sooo disheartening. I was sooo frustrated. She would come for a couple of hours, which was great, and, Isabella would NEVER talk, which is normal for her. Lisa (I looked them up on-line and didn't see a "Lisa," there anymore, so I feel safe using her first name) would hardly try to get Isabella to talk, all she would do is maybe draw a picture with Isabella and talk to us. Now, I know there is credence to drawing pictures with RAD kids. But, Isabella didn't want to draw it alone either, so Lisa would help her or ask if she wanted Ava to help her. I didn't understand that! We never talked about ANYTHING of importance! Mike and I would bring up big, important issues in our family. Unfortunately, at that time they were things Isabella was doing, or not doing. Lisa NEVER confronted her. That bothered me. How were things going to get better?? We always stayed in the large group, too, which was fine, but we never got anywhere! So, Isabella heard everything we talked about. When we would ask Lisa what the plans were for the future weeks, she never really had one. It was very strange and irritating!
So, this is to Lisa the reader. Please don't get discouraged. First, like I said, I didn't see her name on the website, so even if you are going to the same place, you shouldn't get her. Second, I felt the first time in meeting her (after giving her the full two-hour session) that it wasn't going to work. But, we continued to give her many more weeks. I think you will know with your woman's intuition whether or not it's going to work. If you don't feel good about who you get, ask for someone else. That is what we didn't do because we thought they knew more. Please let us know, Lisa, how the therapy goes. I hope and pray it goes well!
Isabella started seeing someone else again. We waited a couple of years until this current one because we were burnt out and she told us straight out she wasn't going to talk to anyone. At this very time, we are again taking a break from her therapist because she told me just a couple of weeks ago she wasn't talking to her therapist because she doesn't like sharing anything with her (yet she will say she wants to get better, but does everything the opposite to make that possible). She still sabotages all of our efforts to help her move forward. She also intensely saw therapists in the hospital before and after Christmas 2009. I will write all of that in another post soon because that is a whole other story.
As for myself, I had given up on therapy even though I was getting my Masters in Counseling and Psychology until we started the adopton and I got pregnant (I was 1/2 done with my Masters). However, 3-1/2 months ago I started seeing a therapist so I could talk about how I felt with the stress in the home regarding the adoption and living with a child who has RAD. I am so glad I did this. It has been very helpful.
I would love to hear your stories about therapy you've tried that has worked or not worked. Or, do you have a therapist you like/ love, do you loathe therapy? What are your feelings on this?
After him my mom was trying to help, and so she set us up with someone from her Sweet Adelines singing group who had some kind of background in therapy. That was an awful day when she came over, let me tell you! This woman came into our home and blamed all of the problems we were having on my husband and I. Isabella is very petite for her age (which makes her look even more cute and tiny), and she knows exactly when to put on the waterworks and look sad and sorry, etc. So, that day she immediately picked up on the fact that this woman was coming down on her mom and dad but feeling totally sorry for her, and she liked it. She was eating out of the palm of this lady's hand. This lady also had the audacity to tell my husband that he was an angry person all because we were being honest about our feelings when she asked questions about how we felt. I was in shock. At least we were being honest about where we were at with the relationship, instead of lying. We told her we weren't at a place where we could do all of the suggestions the RAD books say regarding building a bond with the child, due to the hurt that had been caused so far.
Once again, someone putting the adoptive parent in this place where we are supposedly doing something wrong. This was another reason why I didn't want to talk to anyone for so long. I always felt attacked. My husband and I got this a lot! We had quite a few people, family included, telling us we were doing things wrong and how we were bad parents. It was horrible! I could never have imagined something so horrible!
So, my husband left the room when this lady became rude, and sadly I knew my mom was somewhat friends with her. So, as much as I wanted to tell her to go fly, I felt I had to be cordial, because that is how my mom brought me up. So, I just told her she could leave. She got the message and figured out we weren't going to have her back.
I then really started praying for what to do next because things weren't getting any better. At that point I was feeling REALLY alone and sad, and was convinced no one understood! God led me to put a prayer request on a prayer card at church. I asked the church to pray for our family regarding the problems we were having with Isabella and not being able to attach with her as a family. Shortly thereafter I got a phone call from the Parish Nurse asking us if she could come to our house and talk with us, pray with us and counsel us a little. We were pretty worn out at this point, but at least this was someone who wouldn't judge us, so we accepted. It went well in that it was nice to have extra people praying for our family. We definately needed that. Yet, again, she had no experience in Reactive Attachment Disorder, so, for me, people like that are hard to have therapy with. They want to help, but they are used to counseling mainstream problems, and RAD is so not that! And, I find that when people counsel in a mainstream way, it makes things worse. Or, at least it has for us. The way the relationship is built with a RAD person and everyone involved, including a therapist, is totally different. So, if the therapist is not versed in RAD and they just do regular therapy, they don't go about building the relationship and trust correctly. This is so dire! There are those rare therapists who know how to appropriately build that trust, and it works! If not, things can get worse. Kids with RAD know how to play games, and I have seen several therapists and teachers at school get played because they don't know what they are getting themselves into. These kids are extremely smart when it comes to getting what they want! They watch the people in their life they need to, and whom they are going to at some point need to use or play. I should state that the Parish Nurse was extremely nice and she didn't make things worse, per se. It just gets hard when you have one more adult coming into your home doting on the RAD child before you've built that bond with your child. The adult has no idea how destructive that is. And, how do you tell someone so nice that is from your church? We have found that everyone seems to think that all Isabella needs is love. "Love will conquer all!" So, they come over, pour love, affection, attention and many times gifts on her, without being equal to her sisters. She sits back completely loving it but acting like she doesn't. So, they feel even more sorry for her. Then, they think they need to do it again at a later time! This has also happened to us on many, many occasions.
Has this happened to any of you out there?
To finish with the therapy piece, we did see the Parish Nurse off and on numerous times as she was mostly a fabulous support to the family! I would also stop and see her to give her updates when I was at the church every week for a Mom's Group that met there. So, we kept in touch with her for quite a while.
In the middle of all of this, at Isabella's elementary school, we were seeing the school counselor. She was a fabulous person! I don't think she will mind me saying her first name, Dana. We would have loved to go further with Dana, except that Dana told us forthright that our situation exceeded her training. She didn't have specific training in adoption or RAD. But, she was so wonderful in that she was non-judgmental, she listened, she believed me and she was pretty much the only one at that time who did! Thanks Dana, if you ever read this. She got me through some really tough times! She stuck with us from the time Isabella was adopted and started her first elementary school, for the next four school years (almost). So, we went through a lot with her and she helped us with a lot of issues. She helped me more than any other therapist.
I know that sounds contrary to what I was just saying above, but this wasn't the one-on-one therapy session with Isabella alone where she was having to build the right kind of trust. Don't get me wrong. They did do counseling at school. But, even with that, Dana managed to do that as well as a RAD counselor would! However, mostly what she did with our family was talk to me about what we could do to make things better, she did home visits with me, when I was worried about an eating disorder with Isabella she brought the school nurse to my home along with her, and so much more. She ALWAYS went the extra mile. That's what made her so special. I pray for another one like her! Unfortunately when we moved a little less than two years ago, we changed schools. Isabella would have gone to middle school the next year later anyways, I guess, but we never made as good of connections at either new school (and they are in the same district!).
Lastly, we thought we were being really smart when my husband found out about an attachment center that did therapy out of Deephaven, I think it was. The best part was, they did in-home therapy. We really needed that because we had so many little one's, and we all felt involved at this point. In case you are wondering, this was again just shortly after the Parish Nurse. The very first therapist was about a year after we adopted Isabella, and this last one was about 2-1/2 years after the adoption (so about 1-1/2 years from the first to the starting of the last).
We had heard wonderful things about this place and it had been recommended several times by several different people. On one hand I was totally burnt out and had absolutely no interest in starting therapy again. However, on the other hand, this place was supposed to be the be-all, end-all. This center should solve all of our problems. I could relax. It was going to be over soon. No more problems. We hit the jackpot. I thought they were going to fix Isabella. I was excited. Hopefully they would see all of the hurt she causes us. Or.....
We got a therapist who was VERY young. I think we were her first clients, and I felt like she was doing her internship and wasn't really done with school yet. I had a problem with this because (not just because of the rates), I felt like she was just randomly trying things with us. I felt like she didn't concretely know anything for sure. It was sooo disheartening. I was sooo frustrated. She would come for a couple of hours, which was great, and, Isabella would NEVER talk, which is normal for her. Lisa (I looked them up on-line and didn't see a "Lisa," there anymore, so I feel safe using her first name) would hardly try to get Isabella to talk, all she would do is maybe draw a picture with Isabella and talk to us. Now, I know there is credence to drawing pictures with RAD kids. But, Isabella didn't want to draw it alone either, so Lisa would help her or ask if she wanted Ava to help her. I didn't understand that! We never talked about ANYTHING of importance! Mike and I would bring up big, important issues in our family. Unfortunately, at that time they were things Isabella was doing, or not doing. Lisa NEVER confronted her. That bothered me. How were things going to get better?? We always stayed in the large group, too, which was fine, but we never got anywhere! So, Isabella heard everything we talked about. When we would ask Lisa what the plans were for the future weeks, she never really had one. It was very strange and irritating!
So, this is to Lisa the reader. Please don't get discouraged. First, like I said, I didn't see her name on the website, so even if you are going to the same place, you shouldn't get her. Second, I felt the first time in meeting her (after giving her the full two-hour session) that it wasn't going to work. But, we continued to give her many more weeks. I think you will know with your woman's intuition whether or not it's going to work. If you don't feel good about who you get, ask for someone else. That is what we didn't do because we thought they knew more. Please let us know, Lisa, how the therapy goes. I hope and pray it goes well!
Isabella started seeing someone else again. We waited a couple of years until this current one because we were burnt out and she told us straight out she wasn't going to talk to anyone. At this very time, we are again taking a break from her therapist because she told me just a couple of weeks ago she wasn't talking to her therapist because she doesn't like sharing anything with her (yet she will say she wants to get better, but does everything the opposite to make that possible). She still sabotages all of our efforts to help her move forward. She also intensely saw therapists in the hospital before and after Christmas 2009. I will write all of that in another post soon because that is a whole other story.
As for myself, I had given up on therapy even though I was getting my Masters in Counseling and Psychology until we started the adopton and I got pregnant (I was 1/2 done with my Masters). However, 3-1/2 months ago I started seeing a therapist so I could talk about how I felt with the stress in the home regarding the adoption and living with a child who has RAD. I am so glad I did this. It has been very helpful.
I would love to hear your stories about therapy you've tried that has worked or not worked. Or, do you have a therapist you like/ love, do you loathe therapy? What are your feelings on this?
Sunday, March 14, 2010
A New Day
On this beautiful Springish Day (or is it Spring yet? We're almost there, I think!), I can't help but to count the blessings I have instead of what I don't have. So many times I get caught up in frustrations of life; children, money, money, bills. I'm sure many of you know what I mean. It would be especially easy today when our adopted daughter, Isabella, is, of course, doing her best to make mom's day the worst it could be! I have been working so hard recently on not letting her bother me as much as it used to. I try and remind myself that if I get upset, that is what she wants, and, I lose. So, I try and take some deep breaths and relax. My problems is, I am so hard-wired at this point to RE-act a certain way. It is not like other things in life where we just act after something happens. I am sooo used to the same ol' same ol' that I just get used to getting upset and frustrated. So, why change what I am doing when nothing else changes?One thing I have tried to change, however, is from something that another smart adoptive mother reminded me is okay to do. Take a mommy time-out. Cheri Hanson reminded me that mom's can do this, too, and we will be better for it! Nothing major, just a few minute time-out like we would give our own kids. For some reason I had always told myself in the past couple of years that I had to be "on." So, taking a time-out wasn't an option. But, once I did, it really seemed to work! Thanks Cheri!
Taking a time-out in a different way seems to be a great idea for today! It is such a beautiful day it seems we should open our windows and air out all of that old Winter stale-ness inside. And, while our houses are airing out, maybe all of us should go get some fresh air and clear out our own lungs from the "inside only" air we've been breathing all Winter. It might give a new perspective to our relationships that seem stale, too! =) Of course this will not be the be all, end all answer to our relationship problems, but I know I sure needed a newness to my relationship thoughts! I was feeling VERY stale after being cooped up all Winter long inside. I have had Spring fever for a while now. But, that is the great part about MN, the season changes! I definately look forward to something different to come! Iknow I couldn't handle the same weather all the time! Although, this Winter did seem to drag........
Anyhoo, it's almost over, and Spring is here! No more snow, pleeeeaaaaasssseeee???!?!!!?!
I guess I got off track! Ha! Sorry, I love this kind of weather, so it makes me a little squirrely! Sorry, bad joke. But really, I want to hear how the rest of you are doing out there and if you have any stories to tell!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I am at the end of my rope.......
I am feeling very down in the dumps today about our adoption and what we are going through. I am also feeling very alone and like no one understands. Do any of you feel that way sometimes? I go up and down regarding having hope and if our adoption is going to work out or not. Are we going to have a family with four children or three children? I can't really picture our family without Isabella, but some days I get to the end of my rope.
Today I am really hurting and feeling very isolated. I know that Isabella feels the same way, but it is hard to see that when I have felt stuck for so long, and, okay, yes, I am saying the wrong thing here, but I feel like she is the cause. I'm sure a lot of experts would say I can't see her side and start to heal until I stop feeling sorry for myself. But, man it hurts when you have someone in your home for 5-1/2 years who does so much to hurt you. I know, too, it supposedly is not personal, but my entire life with children has been about "this adoption problem."
Again, I need to say that I know it is not Isabella as a person who is causing this. I know she was wounded and hurt as a baby, and she is just reacting to what she knows. But, there is that logic center in me (I am way too logical of a person for this problem, I feel, because I can't see past this) that says, after 5-1/2 years, don't you know I love you, and don't you trust me enough to know I won't throw you away by now? That is where I have such an issue.
Not only that, but Isabella starts doing "crazy making" things so often. That is when I get really upset. That is the part I do not understand. She seems to do it many times without cause and provocation.
I thought it would make me feel better to find out that so many other children with Reactive Attachment Disorder do the same thing. This comes mostly from the information I re-learned last weekend talking and listening to other adoptive parents. It was a wonderful event, and I am so glad I went. I was thinking and hoping it would make me more understanding and patient toward Isabella. But, for some reason it didn't change anything. I am very sad for that. I feel so stuck.
I think it is because I do have a change of heart quite frequently. Every few days I wake up and decide "let's try this again!" Then, that is when it all starts all over again with her antics..........
I apologize to my readers if it sounds as though I am just complaining. But, any of you out there who are going through similar situations know there are a lot of times you feel so alone and just need someone to "talk" to or you just have to vent. Living with a child who has R.A.D. is A LOT to deal with. Especially if you are the mother. You mom's know what I mean! I do talk to my husband about it, and we do have a good relationship. But, when it comes to Isabella, it is difficult. He never sees it as dire as a problem as I do. That just makes me feel even more alone and isolated. That is what triggered today's feelings of being so low. I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't quite get it. He says he does and can put himself in my shoes, but he just doesn't act like it. I guess I know how upset I am about the situation on many days, but I have no one else in the world who is as upset as I am.
I have thought about if roles were reversed, and if I could understand how he felt. I know it would be hard, but, I don't know, maybe I could understand, maybe I couldn't. Sometimes I just feel like I would try harder, or show it more. Maybe that is the problem more. He doesn't show it to me. I know men have a problem with that.
I don't want to throw him under the bus either. It is just sooo frustrating when I feel like I am beating my head against the wall, and all I want is for someone to understand!!! That is all I feel like I want right now. Someone to say, "ya, you put up with a lot.... it is hard.... I know.... I see it... I see what happens..." Or, if any of you out there are going through something similar, I would much appreciate to hear from you. It's nice to know from someone who has or is going through this, that it is going to be okay.
The sad thing is, if you have done a forein adoption, you have a 99% chance of your child(ren) ending up with attchment issues. If your adoption was within the United States, you have a 76% chance of having attachment issues. That is a lot to swallow! So, in my eyes when we adoptive parents need a shoulder to cry on or need to talk to someone, I don't ever see it as a negative thing or like we are complaining. This is a very difficult situation to handle and you are better of talking to someone over taking it out on the child. God knows that there are enough times He has had to control me from that. Sorry if that offends any of you, but any of you in this situation know what I mean. I am a very honest person, so if you read my blog, you will have to understand that.
So far I have been really mellow on what I have written because I am still "testing the waters with my readers." Hopefully the few of you that have started out with me will stick with me, and God-willing we will get more readers! I would love to get more dialogue going! Usually I am not this much of a downer! I am just having a tough day. So stick with me!
Please, I would love to hear some of your stories out there. Again, not that I want anyone to be hurting, but I know you are out there, so please, join in with us and share! =)
Today I am really hurting and feeling very isolated. I know that Isabella feels the same way, but it is hard to see that when I have felt stuck for so long, and, okay, yes, I am saying the wrong thing here, but I feel like she is the cause. I'm sure a lot of experts would say I can't see her side and start to heal until I stop feeling sorry for myself. But, man it hurts when you have someone in your home for 5-1/2 years who does so much to hurt you. I know, too, it supposedly is not personal, but my entire life with children has been about "this adoption problem."
Again, I need to say that I know it is not Isabella as a person who is causing this. I know she was wounded and hurt as a baby, and she is just reacting to what she knows. But, there is that logic center in me (I am way too logical of a person for this problem, I feel, because I can't see past this) that says, after 5-1/2 years, don't you know I love you, and don't you trust me enough to know I won't throw you away by now? That is where I have such an issue.
Not only that, but Isabella starts doing "crazy making" things so often. That is when I get really upset. That is the part I do not understand. She seems to do it many times without cause and provocation.
I thought it would make me feel better to find out that so many other children with Reactive Attachment Disorder do the same thing. This comes mostly from the information I re-learned last weekend talking and listening to other adoptive parents. It was a wonderful event, and I am so glad I went. I was thinking and hoping it would make me more understanding and patient toward Isabella. But, for some reason it didn't change anything. I am very sad for that. I feel so stuck.
I think it is because I do have a change of heart quite frequently. Every few days I wake up and decide "let's try this again!" Then, that is when it all starts all over again with her antics..........
I apologize to my readers if it sounds as though I am just complaining. But, any of you out there who are going through similar situations know there are a lot of times you feel so alone and just need someone to "talk" to or you just have to vent. Living with a child who has R.A.D. is A LOT to deal with. Especially if you are the mother. You mom's know what I mean! I do talk to my husband about it, and we do have a good relationship. But, when it comes to Isabella, it is difficult. He never sees it as dire as a problem as I do. That just makes me feel even more alone and isolated. That is what triggered today's feelings of being so low. I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't quite get it. He says he does and can put himself in my shoes, but he just doesn't act like it. I guess I know how upset I am about the situation on many days, but I have no one else in the world who is as upset as I am.
I have thought about if roles were reversed, and if I could understand how he felt. I know it would be hard, but, I don't know, maybe I could understand, maybe I couldn't. Sometimes I just feel like I would try harder, or show it more. Maybe that is the problem more. He doesn't show it to me. I know men have a problem with that.
I don't want to throw him under the bus either. It is just sooo frustrating when I feel like I am beating my head against the wall, and all I want is for someone to understand!!! That is all I feel like I want right now. Someone to say, "ya, you put up with a lot.... it is hard.... I know.... I see it... I see what happens..." Or, if any of you out there are going through something similar, I would much appreciate to hear from you. It's nice to know from someone who has or is going through this, that it is going to be okay.
The sad thing is, if you have done a forein adoption, you have a 99% chance of your child(ren) ending up with attchment issues. If your adoption was within the United States, you have a 76% chance of having attachment issues. That is a lot to swallow! So, in my eyes when we adoptive parents need a shoulder to cry on or need to talk to someone, I don't ever see it as a negative thing or like we are complaining. This is a very difficult situation to handle and you are better of talking to someone over taking it out on the child. God knows that there are enough times He has had to control me from that. Sorry if that offends any of you, but any of you in this situation know what I mean. I am a very honest person, so if you read my blog, you will have to understand that.
So far I have been really mellow on what I have written because I am still "testing the waters with my readers." Hopefully the few of you that have started out with me will stick with me, and God-willing we will get more readers! I would love to get more dialogue going! Usually I am not this much of a downer! I am just having a tough day. So stick with me!
Please, I would love to hear some of your stories out there. Again, not that I want anyone to be hurting, but I know you are out there, so please, join in with us and share! =)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
The Birthday Party
Okay, so I decided I couldn't just stay with the idea of only telling the back story of the adoption, or the story from the beginning, and not tell any of what is going on currently. So, this story is from today...
I was glad to find out recently that I wasn't the only adoptive parent who was having "crazy-making" things happening to them! Not that I want others to be going through any of the heart-break that I am, but I know that others are, so I was thanking God that we could comrade together so that none of us feel so isolated and alone. I know that is how I felt for soooo long. So isolated and so alone. It is terrible to feel that way. I am just now starting to come out of that cocoon and trust people with our stories little by little. At first when I told people about what things Isabella was doing, I got so many people telling me I must be imagining things, I must be crazy, I saw it wrong, she's too sweet to do anything like that, and so many more things that just drew me further into a hole!
A good example of what I am talking about was today's events. I warned Isabella last evening that I was going to need her help today to get ready for her sister Ava's birthday party. Ava just turned 5 and it was her first party that we had with friends her age. Prior to that it had just been family at her party's. So, it was a very special party for all of us. But, quietly Isabella wanted to sabotage it because it wasn't her special day. So, EVERYTHING I asked Isabella to do from the moment we awoke until Ava's friends arrived at 2:00pm she did the opposite of. And when I would ask her what she was doing, she would just stare at me or say, "what do you mean?". I mean all of you out there know how much work it is to get ready for a birthday party; clean the house, decorations, cake, food, drink, crafts and activities and so much more! Even after Ava's friends were over I would ask Isabella for something so easy and she would say okay and just not do it just to see me get upset in front of Ava's friends. All day she was an angel for everyone else, but she was doing everything she could to upset me because she knew it was a day that was special. I was looking forward to it as well, because I was so happy for Ava. That is the stuff that kids like Isabella thrive on because they love to push the buttons of their mother and do anything they can to provoke them on a day they know is special. Or, at least that is Isabella's area of expertise; along with many other things!
Then I have family members who tell me this is typical kid stuff! Ha! Never! Not when this is coupled with everything else that happens around our house (Isabella hiding my stuff all the time, hurting her sisters at times, lying CONSTANTLY, the list goes on and on). I am not trying to throw Isabella under the bus. I know she didn't get the love she needed as a baby/ child. But, it is also very difficult when I have been her mother for 5 1/2 years and things are the same if not worse. And, she told me close to two weeks ago now that she likes to see me hurting! What am I supposed to do with that?!?! As her mother, someone who loves her and has tried so hard, what do I do now? It makes it very difficult to keep giving to a person who likes to see you hurt! That is like staying in an abusive relationship with a man. Not that woman don't do that sometimes. I made that mistake with a boyfriend about 16years ago. Whoah, that just made me feel really old!
Okay, I need to stop having a pity party for myself.
Do any of you out there have any stories you want to share about tough times you have been having? Or, anything else that you want to share is great, too!
I was glad to find out recently that I wasn't the only adoptive parent who was having "crazy-making" things happening to them! Not that I want others to be going through any of the heart-break that I am, but I know that others are, so I was thanking God that we could comrade together so that none of us feel so isolated and alone. I know that is how I felt for soooo long. So isolated and so alone. It is terrible to feel that way. I am just now starting to come out of that cocoon and trust people with our stories little by little. At first when I told people about what things Isabella was doing, I got so many people telling me I must be imagining things, I must be crazy, I saw it wrong, she's too sweet to do anything like that, and so many more things that just drew me further into a hole!
A good example of what I am talking about was today's events. I warned Isabella last evening that I was going to need her help today to get ready for her sister Ava's birthday party. Ava just turned 5 and it was her first party that we had with friends her age. Prior to that it had just been family at her party's. So, it was a very special party for all of us. But, quietly Isabella wanted to sabotage it because it wasn't her special day. So, EVERYTHING I asked Isabella to do from the moment we awoke until Ava's friends arrived at 2:00pm she did the opposite of. And when I would ask her what she was doing, she would just stare at me or say, "what do you mean?". I mean all of you out there know how much work it is to get ready for a birthday party; clean the house, decorations, cake, food, drink, crafts and activities and so much more! Even after Ava's friends were over I would ask Isabella for something so easy and she would say okay and just not do it just to see me get upset in front of Ava's friends. All day she was an angel for everyone else, but she was doing everything she could to upset me because she knew it was a day that was special. I was looking forward to it as well, because I was so happy for Ava. That is the stuff that kids like Isabella thrive on because they love to push the buttons of their mother and do anything they can to provoke them on a day they know is special. Or, at least that is Isabella's area of expertise; along with many other things!
Then I have family members who tell me this is typical kid stuff! Ha! Never! Not when this is coupled with everything else that happens around our house (Isabella hiding my stuff all the time, hurting her sisters at times, lying CONSTANTLY, the list goes on and on). I am not trying to throw Isabella under the bus. I know she didn't get the love she needed as a baby/ child. But, it is also very difficult when I have been her mother for 5 1/2 years and things are the same if not worse. And, she told me close to two weeks ago now that she likes to see me hurting! What am I supposed to do with that?!?! As her mother, someone who loves her and has tried so hard, what do I do now? It makes it very difficult to keep giving to a person who likes to see you hurt! That is like staying in an abusive relationship with a man. Not that woman don't do that sometimes. I made that mistake with a boyfriend about 16years ago. Whoah, that just made me feel really old!
Okay, I need to stop having a pity party for myself.
Do any of you out there have any stories you want to share about tough times you have been having? Or, anything else that you want to share is great, too!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
At home... finally
So, once we were back at home with Isabella, we were pretty relieved to say the least! It isn't the easiest to travel with a child who doesn't seem to like you or want anything to do with you. But, that ended up being the least of our problems... being that I was 5 months pregnant, I got EXTREMELY ILL on the plane ride home (motion-sickness). I couldn't stop vomiting (hope you readers don't have weak stomachs, sorry!). I was so thankful to be home. I just wanted to go to bed, yet, I felt like I was supposed to be this super-mom and make Isabella feel comfortable and happy, etc. So, the guilt was already setting in (this guilt-thing is a common theme for me with regard to being a mom).
I remember getting into our home with her and she froze at the bottom of our stairs (right inside the house). We couldn't get her to go upstairs, we couldn't carry her because she started becoming physical, no one could go anywhere for quite some time until she was ready to move. We still to this day, 5-1/2 years later have no idea what happened that day.
Things then went decent for a week, and then, as planned, and told to Isabella in Russian before leaving Russia, Mike had to leave for 3 weeks for work. (I should state that when we adopted Isabella, she did not know one word of English)! During that time, Isabella and I were inseparable. She slept with me, and we did everything together. I hadn't put her in school yet. I waited until toward the end of the time Mike was gone. So, I was teaching her English and hanging out with her constantly. Isabella started school about 3 weeks after we got home (so 2 weeks into the time Mike was gone).
Then, when Mike came home she treated him like the plague! He interrupted what we had, so she was upset! I still spent the same amount of time with her, she just had to share me. To this day, she admits she does not do well with two adults at the same time. She prefers to only have the company of one adult. With one, she will usually chat and be more personable. With both Mike and I around, she RARELY talks. When we talk to her together, she clams up, talks very quiet, or barely answers.
This is another thing that has been her m.o. since she has been here. She talks so that she is barely audible, but then she will say something like, "It sounds to me like I am talking loud enough." Hmmm, that's pretty smart!
I thought our hardest part after Isabella came home with us was going to be teaching her English. That happened to be the easiest part! Isabella learned English very quickly. She was also in ESL at school.
From the day the adoption was final to the day I delivered Ava, was exactly 4 months. So, this was a lot of changes in a very short amount of time.
Mike and I got a lot of flak from our family about this. They said, in not so many words(and some of them came out and said it, too), that maybe things wouldn't be so bad with Isabella if I wouldn't have had a baby right away. Then, when I got pregnant again right away, guess what, more flak... and again with Lexi. How can anyone say anything negative when it's about a baby being born? Isabella had sisters in Russia that she left behind and she was very upset about it. So, I thought, what a blessing that we had all girls. It was almost like new sisters for her after losing her other sisters from Russia. That's why I couldn't believe when family actually put a negative light on it.
Do any of you battle with your family on issues with your adopted child(ren)?
We also had a lot of problems when we told our families that we were told that all gifts would need to go through us and we weren't going to allow sleep-overs anymore or long outings because we hadn't formed a good attachment from the beginning (because we didn't know how). Once we were told what to do, and that we had to pull Isabella back close to us and not allow our family in between us, they got very upset and did not respect our ideas very much. For some reason, they thought they knew better than we did even though they had never adopted. Hmmmm.... That was difficult to digest.
Isabella still has confusion, I think, when it comes to her loyalty and where she should get all of her love, food and needs met from. Unfortunately she has had teachers who have stepped in and gotten too close; by being friendly. For example: Isabella will go to class crying because she can't get an assignment done(interpretation: hasn't felt like doing it and the crying works, so hey, why not!), or something to that effect, and teachers always fall for it. Then, they feel sorry for her, they build a bond that mom and dad don't see happening, and it goes too far. Then, when mom makes a call to the teacher about something unrelated at a later time, or a conference comes up, and this relationshp becomes apparent. Isabella makes it a point to build bonds with ADULTS (not kids), at school, mostly. She gets her needs met this way. Sadly, it seriously stunts mom and dad's relationship with her. The more she knows it bothers us, the more she does it! This is another thing that has made me feel like a horrible mother. I'll try to go to these teachers to talk to them about RAD, etc, and tell them what we are up against. And, they think I am completely off my rocker to think there is anything wrong with Isabella! They tell me how great and charming she is, what a great student she is, how nice she is, etc. As if I am only saying negative things about my own daughter and they think if they don't stick up for her, no one will! It's terrible! This was another reason why I kept to myself for several years and didn't open up and talk about this. Every adult, it seemed, I tried to confide in, I got told I was so wrong about my daughter! As if, first, I was saying what a horrible little girl she was (I'm not), and that they needed to stick up for MY daughter! Who's child is she?!?! I know I can't seclude myself anymore. I've realized now this is unhealthy, and we adoptive parents need to stick together and be able to talk and be there for each other! If there are others of you out there who haven't reached out yet to talk, try taking the step today. We are here for you. I know I am. I won't judge you. Trust me when I say my story is a lot uglier than I have gotten into thus far... being alone is no fun! I spent years there!
Kristina
I remember getting into our home with her and she froze at the bottom of our stairs (right inside the house). We couldn't get her to go upstairs, we couldn't carry her because she started becoming physical, no one could go anywhere for quite some time until she was ready to move. We still to this day, 5-1/2 years later have no idea what happened that day.
Things then went decent for a week, and then, as planned, and told to Isabella in Russian before leaving Russia, Mike had to leave for 3 weeks for work. (I should state that when we adopted Isabella, she did not know one word of English)! During that time, Isabella and I were inseparable. She slept with me, and we did everything together. I hadn't put her in school yet. I waited until toward the end of the time Mike was gone. So, I was teaching her English and hanging out with her constantly. Isabella started school about 3 weeks after we got home (so 2 weeks into the time Mike was gone).
Then, when Mike came home she treated him like the plague! He interrupted what we had, so she was upset! I still spent the same amount of time with her, she just had to share me. To this day, she admits she does not do well with two adults at the same time. She prefers to only have the company of one adult. With one, she will usually chat and be more personable. With both Mike and I around, she RARELY talks. When we talk to her together, she clams up, talks very quiet, or barely answers.
This is another thing that has been her m.o. since she has been here. She talks so that she is barely audible, but then she will say something like, "It sounds to me like I am talking loud enough." Hmmm, that's pretty smart!
I thought our hardest part after Isabella came home with us was going to be teaching her English. That happened to be the easiest part! Isabella learned English very quickly. She was also in ESL at school.
From the day the adoption was final to the day I delivered Ava, was exactly 4 months. So, this was a lot of changes in a very short amount of time.
Mike and I got a lot of flak from our family about this. They said, in not so many words(and some of them came out and said it, too), that maybe things wouldn't be so bad with Isabella if I wouldn't have had a baby right away. Then, when I got pregnant again right away, guess what, more flak... and again with Lexi. How can anyone say anything negative when it's about a baby being born? Isabella had sisters in Russia that she left behind and she was very upset about it. So, I thought, what a blessing that we had all girls. It was almost like new sisters for her after losing her other sisters from Russia. That's why I couldn't believe when family actually put a negative light on it.
Do any of you battle with your family on issues with your adopted child(ren)?
We also had a lot of problems when we told our families that we were told that all gifts would need to go through us and we weren't going to allow sleep-overs anymore or long outings because we hadn't formed a good attachment from the beginning (because we didn't know how). Once we were told what to do, and that we had to pull Isabella back close to us and not allow our family in between us, they got very upset and did not respect our ideas very much. For some reason, they thought they knew better than we did even though they had never adopted. Hmmmm.... That was difficult to digest.
Isabella still has confusion, I think, when it comes to her loyalty and where she should get all of her love, food and needs met from. Unfortunately she has had teachers who have stepped in and gotten too close; by being friendly. For example: Isabella will go to class crying because she can't get an assignment done(interpretation: hasn't felt like doing it and the crying works, so hey, why not!), or something to that effect, and teachers always fall for it. Then, they feel sorry for her, they build a bond that mom and dad don't see happening, and it goes too far. Then, when mom makes a call to the teacher about something unrelated at a later time, or a conference comes up, and this relationshp becomes apparent. Isabella makes it a point to build bonds with ADULTS (not kids), at school, mostly. She gets her needs met this way. Sadly, it seriously stunts mom and dad's relationship with her. The more she knows it bothers us, the more she does it! This is another thing that has made me feel like a horrible mother. I'll try to go to these teachers to talk to them about RAD, etc, and tell them what we are up against. And, they think I am completely off my rocker to think there is anything wrong with Isabella! They tell me how great and charming she is, what a great student she is, how nice she is, etc. As if I am only saying negative things about my own daughter and they think if they don't stick up for her, no one will! It's terrible! This was another reason why I kept to myself for several years and didn't open up and talk about this. Every adult, it seemed, I tried to confide in, I got told I was so wrong about my daughter! As if, first, I was saying what a horrible little girl she was (I'm not), and that they needed to stick up for MY daughter! Who's child is she?!?! I know I can't seclude myself anymore. I've realized now this is unhealthy, and we adoptive parents need to stick together and be able to talk and be there for each other! If there are others of you out there who haven't reached out yet to talk, try taking the step today. We are here for you. I know I am. I won't judge you. Trust me when I say my story is a lot uglier than I have gotten into thus far... being alone is no fun! I spent years there!
Kristina
Name Change
Okay, change of heart...
I have decided to state the names of my children. For one, I will probably slip at one point soon as I am typing anyways. Two, I realize, if someone wants to, they can find out easy enough. So, it is my job as a parent to keep them safe and stating their names probably won't change anything...
If you are a Christian, please pray I am not making a mistake.
Isabella is our oldest and adopted daughter at 13-years-old.
Ava is our next oldest and just turned 5.
Kenzington is next, but we call her Diti, so that is how I will refer to her from now on. She is 3.
Alexis is the baby. She is 2. We call her Lexi or Lexilee, so you will see me call her one of the two from now on.
I have a lot of trust issues with my children because when I was a child I was sexually assaulted and molested by 3 different men (all different situations). So, now that I have 4 girls, there is an unimaginable burden I feel to keep them safe. We have NEVER used a babysitter with them, except Grandma, Grandpa or Aunt. I know there are more people like me out there because I have met them. I know I have to trust people, and I am learning. We did recently interview a babysitter that I liked, but we just haven't had an occassion to need her yet. Is it me just stalling? Maybe...
So, that's that. There are my angels real name's.
Are there any other mom's out there that are as scared as I am? It's hard to let the most precious things to us go! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thank God every night for giving me such precious gifts!
Kristina
I have decided to state the names of my children. For one, I will probably slip at one point soon as I am typing anyways. Two, I realize, if someone wants to, they can find out easy enough. So, it is my job as a parent to keep them safe and stating their names probably won't change anything...
If you are a Christian, please pray I am not making a mistake.
Isabella is our oldest and adopted daughter at 13-years-old.
Ava is our next oldest and just turned 5.
Kenzington is next, but we call her Diti, so that is how I will refer to her from now on. She is 3.
Alexis is the baby. She is 2. We call her Lexi or Lexilee, so you will see me call her one of the two from now on.
I have a lot of trust issues with my children because when I was a child I was sexually assaulted and molested by 3 different men (all different situations). So, now that I have 4 girls, there is an unimaginable burden I feel to keep them safe. We have NEVER used a babysitter with them, except Grandma, Grandpa or Aunt. I know there are more people like me out there because I have met them. I know I have to trust people, and I am learning. We did recently interview a babysitter that I liked, but we just haven't had an occassion to need her yet. Is it me just stalling? Maybe...
So, that's that. There are my angels real name's.
Are there any other mom's out there that are as scared as I am? It's hard to let the most precious things to us go! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thank God every night for giving me such precious gifts!
Kristina
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