Adoption... Before Mom and Dad Knew ANYTHING!

How many of you out there feel alone and isolated from the effects of an adoption (for example due to the effects of Reactive Attachment Disorder)? There are so many parts and pieces of an adoption that can cause a person (usually one or both of the parents, and more-so the mother) to feel this way. It is very painful and can make a person, usually the parent(s) start to question who they are as a person, and can challenge one's self-esteem, especially the longer it goes on.
That is what has been happening to me for over five years now.
We currently have four children; 3 biological and one adopted. My husband and I had been married for almost a year when we decided to try and start having children.
I will be talking about infertility in another segment, but we dealt with that for 5-1/2 years before any children came along, which was VERY painful (as any of you know who are going through that, or have been through it).
After a couple of miscarriages we decided to adopt. My husband had always wanted to adopt, and I was neither opposed nor totally for it at first. At the time I worked in the field of child protection, so I knew how many children needed a wonderful, loving home. I wanted to be able to help children more than anything, and give a loving home to one or more children, but I also knew at some point in the future I had to have a child biologically. It was something I had felt deep within me for a long time along with wanting to adopt.
As a couple, several years later and a couple of miscarriages later, we decided to adopt. We now know this as the pivotal point in our relationship; not only as a couple, but to our future family. This has taught us more than we ever thought we could and would know about so many facets of our lives, along with turning our world upside-down on a daily and sometime hourly or minute-by-minute basis.

*I will be changing the first names of my children to protect their identity*
My husband and I adopted *Kallie one week prior to her eighth birthday in the Fall of 2004. I should preface with a few facts first. Hmmmmm..... where to start...........
Once we finally decided to adopt, my body finally got in gear to have kids and also got pregnant. Ever hear of that happening? Almost everyone seems to know someone that has happened to! Also, this was an overseas/ International Adoption from Russia. So while I was pregnant, we were rushing through the adoption as quickly as we could so we could get home with our precious new child prior to me not being able to fly in the last trimester of my pregnancy. Through all of this, however, little did we know that the nightmare was already starting.
We went through a small agency because they were less money (still very expensive as adoptive parent(s) know), they could get us through the process more quickly, there were no classes we needed to take and very little "red-tape." So, the nightmare wasn't happening at this point with *Kallie, we just didn't know any better as new parents, especially as new adoptive parents, so we were so happy they were getting us through this so quickly so we could get home so fast!! In hind-sight there are so many things I know now and would tell someone who is adopting a child; ESPECIALLY an older-child.
Rushing it was definitely our first and biggest mistake. Because we were in a rush and the agency knew that, they took full advantage of that and rushed us through without trying to match us with the right child, connect us up with any classes or other helpful information (other families who have adopted, etc.); anything that would or could have prepared us as to what was to come. That was the most disappointing part is that I feel preyed upon. Especially when it came to us writing our "letter of intent" as to what we wanted for our child(ren).
Now, I know to many of you this sounds very wrong. It did to me too. But, here it is. All it means is you tell them how many children you want, the sex (I know, playing God a bit), the age(s) and if you will accept a special needs child, etc. Now, my husband and I weren't very specific. We did originally ask for two children (we didn't know I was pregnant at the time of writing the letter), and asked that they be no older than four years of age, I believe. We were told even when you write the letter with the parameters, nothing was written in stone. Not long after we wrote this letter, my husband was away on business and he called me from New York with wonderful news! The adoption agency had called him and told him about a little girl who was "about eight-years-old" and it was "her last chance to be adopted." What?! What did that mean? Here I was several months pregnant, emotional beyond belief, elated to finally have babies and children, oh, and they told us that we should only adopt one child now and not two because we were pregnant. Okay, this was a lot of information to process.
After getting more information, it meant that *Kallie was getting too old to be at the orphanage that she was in so she would be getting moved to another orphanage if we, specifically, didn't adopt her. No one else was on the horizon to adopt her so we were her last chance! It was us or she would be shipped to this "other orphanage" and "never be adopted." How heartbreaking was this information for anyone to hear?! Of course we would adopt her. God must have meant this child for us because otherwise she would be left alone and not adopted like so many kids I saw every day as a Social Worker. I couldn't see another child go through this. It was settled. This was our child! My husband and I agreed almost immediately. Sure, this child was twice the age we originally thought we could handle and it was only one versus two children. But, this must be a sign from God. Right?....
We were so in the dark we didn't even know it. We didn't know what questions to ask or what to prepare for. Other adoption agencies told the parent(s) how to prepare for the child(ren), but we were told nothing as far as that goes. And from the standpoint of information coming from Russia regarding *Kallie's background, there was no mention to us of any problems she could have, they had no background or family history, or otherwise on her.
At this point we were in complete bliss! After being infertile for 5-1/2 years, we were now going to have two children very soon! As a mother, I could not contain myself! My life was now going to be complete! This was all I ever wanted. Even though I had a wonderful job (which I had now quit and was just working in the family business to fill in the time until the adoption was complete so I could become a full-time mom) and had half my classes completed for my Master's in Counseling and Psychology, I felt like I was more or less doing those things to fill my time until I could be a mom! My dream was coming true! Here was my time........... finally. Or was it?

There are so many more things to say about this topic, and I will. But, I want to start getting your feedback on how your adoptions are going (or not going) out there. I haven't even gotten to the point of when we got home alltogether yet with *Kallie. So, obviously this is a long story with many parts and pieces. But, like I said, I really want to hear from you, too, because this can be such an isolated world out here. Let's start talking to make each other feel not so alone!