So, here it goes... What I thought was going to be one of the happiest days in my life, somewhat like having a baby, turned into something a little different. We went to the orphanage to pick up *Kallie and after all of the red tape was done and she said "good-bye" to the couple of staff members, we started on our way. It did not seem like a happy day for Kallie! She was sooo upset! We also rode back from the orphanage to Moscow with two other families who adopted a child, and those two children seemed fine and calm. Kallie, however, was hysterical for hours!! Mike nor I knew what to do! She was completely inconsolable! If someone happened upon the scene and didn't know what had transpired already that day, they would have thought we kidnapped Kallie! It was awful! I just held her. She didn't want anything to do with Mike at that point. We asked the adoption counter-part from Russia who spoke Russian and English to ask her a few questions, but Kallie wouldn't talk at all. (Kallie didn't speak a word of English at this point). After several hours, her crying finally ceased. It wasn't like she calmed down, though. It was only that she wore herself out! I know we were worn out!
Shortly thereafter we all reached our hotel in Moscow. Everyone was hungry as we had been traveling all day and hadn't really stopped to eat. The restaurant we went to at the hotel had the menu in both English and Russian. Thank God. We were motioning to Kallie asking what she wanted to eat. She wasn't hungry.
How was I supposed to take care of my new daughter if she wouldn't eat? She was so tiny! She only weighed 38lbs at that time! And she was 8-years-old! She needed to eat! We were so worried about her.
Little did we know this would become one of our biggest battles and power struggles to come in the near future. We should have just left well enough alone. The same thing ended up happening the next morning when she didn't want to eat before we left for the airport. Along with many other times to come... my husband and I wanted her to eat because she needed to grow and was mal-nutritioned. She saw it as a power-struggle and like us trying to make her do something she didn't want to. So, she didn't do it. That upset us. That was one of our #1 problems (at first). We fell hook-line-and sinker right into that problem. New parents right here!! Did not know what we were doing so when presented by a power-struggle, we ran right into it and got very frustrated with her and kept fighting and fighting and trying to win (and thought we could).
Has that happened to any of you out there? It was really hard, especially becoming the insta-parents of an older child who already had tricks up her sleeve, but we were still learning so much so fast!
Let's hear from some of you out there who have maybe lived through similar situations. What have you done when this type of thing has happened?
Are others of you going through older-child adoption issues, or where do your issues stem from?
I can't wait to hear from others out there!
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Hi Kristina! I am another adoptive mom who has been blessed with 3 children from Russia. All 3 have some form of RAD or another. Our 2 younger children had more severe symptoms, so when you speak of the "power struggles" I know exactly what you mean. Our adopted son would get upset and refuse to eat. Or if he did eat, he would make himself throw up at the table and aim for a sibling's plate or the main course serving dish. Before our experience with the Colorado Team, I would try and outsmart him by giving him "options." I would make 1 option the thing I wanted the child to do, and the other would be such a far out choice--that I figured the kid would NEVER choose it. Ha Ha! Wrong!!! He took it every time just to see if I would back up my words with actions. This of course would break down into massive frustration and yelling on my part. Post therapy, I have learned that sometimes, like us, kids just might not be hungry. If they choose not to eat at the time the meal is served with the family, we simply put it away until the child is ready/hungry. Then bring it back out. They do learn that it's more fun to eat with everyone else when food is fresh.
ReplyDeleteYou can't make them do anything. What you can do is stay out of the power struggle and not cave in. When you do--and they get you frustrated, they have won. They have put you back into "their" world of chaos where they feel most comfortable. These kids--especially ones who have spent any time in an orphanage--don't know how to "live well in a good family." That is a really powerful statement when you give it some serious thought. All the manners and courtesies we have been raised with came from our bond with our parents/primary caregivers. These kids have never experienced that. Anytime they were pulled in close to an adult, they were hurt, neglected, rejected or thrown away.
Calm, consistent lack of reaction on your part will work wonders--but it takes time!!! There is hope for a better tomorrow and always remember that there is never a time when there is no hope or no help. I look forward to meeting you on the 28th. I will be the speaker--take care, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!!! Cheri
Wow I love this post! While we do not have RAD issues, the issues we had when we picked the twins up were crazy. I expected rainbows and roses and got well not that. It was hard and it is even harder to write about! So thanks for sharing even if it is years or days or just hours later!
ReplyDeleteKristina, I remember that day and how inconsolable your daughter was. It was such a long ride back to Moscow, and I think everyone in the van felt pretty helpless. I'm very sorry to hear that you've had RAD as a challenge to deal with. How is she doing overall?
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think our son was so calm because the orphanage had doped him up on muscle relaxants - as soon as they wore off he was a totally different kid. Constantly in motion and strong-willed. But he is doing well, and we are too.
Best to you,
Rachel P.
Thank you to Cheri, Carissa and Rachel for your wonderful comments. In answer to your question Rachel, she is doing well overall. She does well in school, too. I am sooo sorry to hear about your son and that the orphanage probably doped him up! That is terrible!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I met Cheri and her husband today at a wonderful speaking engagement where she shared her story about what her family has gone through pre- and post-adoption. It was wonderful to meet her and hear her story and know there is hope, too. Thank you, Cheri! Many days we wonder if there is hope on the other side. I know being a Christian there must be, because otherwise, why would God have put us through this?
Also, Rachel, I am actually thankful you remember the van-ride back to Moscow the day we picked up our adopted daughter because with so many situations I wonder if they are just my imagination and I am just going crazy now! =) This situation with RAD is crazy-making!
Carissa, I hear you, too. Isn't that the truth that you think it is going to be roses and rainbows!!! We thought we were saving her!! Ha!! What a joke that turned out to be!
Thanks again for your comments!
Kristina
Cheri, I knew there was something else I was thinking earlier when I read your Post...
ReplyDeleteWhen you said the adoptive kids don't know how to "live well in a good family," what it made me think of is how our adopted daughter always says she doesn't know how to be (I would interpret that as "doesn't know how to act"). She usually says this in response to my husband and I asking her why she never talks at the dinner table (and I mean, never, she just watches her younger sisters and mom and dad). Then we'll tell her, why don't you watch your sisters for an example (is that the wrong thing to do, Cheri, or other parents with more experience in this area?) for what questions to ask and how to be at the table. We say it nicely, not talking down to her. Just as a teaching moment, explaining that the younger sisters are probably a good one to teach her things she missed out on. But, I completely see where our adopted daughter is amiss on how "to live well in a good family." At least I hope ours is still good after all of the chaos I have created with the stress I feel!
Kristina