Why does this keep happening? Every time I think I have a handle on this adoption relationship with my daughter, and understand RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), even just a little, she switches it up on me. I feel like I am falling apart! I was doing so well for a couple of weeks! Then, I made the fatal mistake of engaging her in conversation. Yup, that's what I did mom's! That's ALL I did. I asked her why she hasn't come and talked to me even once this week as I had asked her to. Going on a week ago I had asked/ told her she needed to come and talk to me as she has been very disrespectful lately to me. I told her she needed to apologize and let me know what is going on. This stems from an agreement that we made together very recently (in the past 3-4 weeks). Isabella agreed we are having a lot of problems in our relationship, and so we both agreed we needed to talk more. We made a plan of how this would work. It has never happened! Once again, heartbreak for both of us! More mistrust for both of us. She can't believe anything I say, I don't believe anything she says...
I just read something yesterday that when you have a traumatized child, you end up with a traumatized mother! Isn't that the truth!! That was extremely soothing to hear, though, too. I have come to the point in this relationship where I am always on the defense. Some would say, 'how can you heal yourself or your daughter or your family if you feel you are being attacked or feel you are a victim?' You know what, though? I have spent HOURS thinking about this. This is the ONLY part of my life I actually do feel attacked, and I think I am! Isabella admits she tries to hurt me! Isn't that an attack? She has tried (admittedly, and it has worked) to pull apart my family relationships, she has tried to draw my husband and I apart- in the end of the day we aren't apart, but our number one conversation is about Isabella. That is terrible. It has been our number one conversation since the day we adopted her! We've had that many problems since day one where we've felt we had to make it the center of our conversations! Also, it gets to the point where I am always getting questioned by everyone about why I do certain things the way I do them with Isabella. How is that supposed to make me feel? So, now it is my fault? I can't even ask her questions? When I do my husband asks me why I did because he knows it starts something between us. He doesn't say it condescendingly, or anything, it is just the simple fact of being asked that hurts. Why can't I just be a mom? Do other mom's get questioned about their parenting constantly? I love my kids so much, and things are literally falling apart. All four of my kids are suffering so much now!
This adoption issue has also caused a separation in my husband's family! My husband doesn't talk, at all, to one of his brothers (and his brothers family), and he just started talking to his sister! They are not close at all now, either, like they were. There is one brother, unfortunately who lives all the way in Georgia, who has very thankfully decided to stay neutral and not take sides. Upsettingly, this is all because of problems surrounding this adoption. The really sad thing is, they all lost their mom and dad in 2000, so their is no one to pull them back together.
So, do I feel attacked and like a victim when it comes to being Isabella's mother? Your damn right! Sorry, but I am sooo hurt and upset, and so sick of anyone calling me or anyone else in this situation a victim or feeling sorry for themselves.
Further, as we speak, I had asked Isabella a couple of hours ago to do the simplest thing.... to come to me to talk about something very benign. As it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME, she digs her heels in, takes her own control, and won't do it simply because I asked or told her to. I can see her walking around as I am typing this and wishing she could have control of her whole life; this house, her sisters, me and her dad, but, not want to do anything it takes to get there (having control of the possible things).
Oh, and so what she did a couple of evenings ago to try and make that happen, was when I was gone for the night, she got on dad's good side (mind you she hadn't spoken to the family except 1 or 2 words here and there when absolutely necessary). This would have been okay except that it wasn't our deal. I am her mom and I want to be the one she goes to when she wants to talk or needs something. That is not happening now. It really hurts. It has never happened. She has never happened.
This is what I am talking about that I cannot take.
And now, now my precious little 3-year-old is starting to fall apart because of all of this... What am I supposed to do now? It used to just be Isabella and I having problems. Now my little babies see what is going on and they are starting to have a lot of problems due to what they see happening with Isabella! They look up to her... and me... I thought I was holding it together, especially for them, but for some reason my little one's are cracking, too.
I don't know what to do. It hurts so much....
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Does discipline work?
How do all of you handle discipline with your adopted RAD child(ren)?
Has anything worked to get them to change? I am not talking about the whip, here, but what do you do when these kids push your buttons so much, or do something that is really naughty? I have a difficult time with this. When Isabella does something that is very hurtful to her sisters (physically) or very naughty; for example, purposefully breaking something, lying over and over, not answering us, walking away as we talk to her, hurting her sisters, and much more, what do we do to show her this is not appropriate and she cannot do it anymore, but also not get riled up so she feels like she won because we are upset and are showing it?
Do any of you have suggestions?
The other difficult part, is that her younger sisters, 2, 3 and 5 years-old see that she is disciplined differently, and they pick up on that very quickly. This ends up causing problems between all four of them because it changes their dynamic and hierarchy as it normally would be between four sisters of this age. No one knows who's in charge or what they should be feeling, and it causes a lot of frustration for the younger one's! I feel very bad for them that they have to see us using different techniques with her, as they think she is getting away with something. I have heard other adoptive parents say this as well. The little one's do not have any understanding at their age that it is because she has different circumstances, and she will not respond to normal discipline.
We have tried all of the usual disciplines; time-outs, taking privileges away, taking her favorite "things" away, stopping her from going places, I've made her write sentences like a school would, I've put soap in her mouth on occasion when she's been very mouthy or the "crime" is with her mouth (so that the punishment fits the crime, so to speak), I've given her extra chores to do, hmmm....what else? You name it, we've done it. We've tried spankings, too. My husband and I said we would never spank our kids, but then when we had a child that didn't respond to anything we threw at her, we had to make sure we tried everything. NOTHING has worked! She just turns herself off from whatever it is and takes it. (Which is very common for RAD kids). So now, we've gotten to the point where we've pretty much given up on punishment because it doesn't work. But, then the other kids see that and they think they can do whatever they want!
I've had a lot of adoptive parents tell me, even recently, that when she does do something wrong, come at her lovingly and just tell her that she must have forgotten how we do things, or that's not how our family does things, let's try it again.
But, how do you do that when it is a dozen times per day?
Further, how do you do that with 3 other children watching? That is the big question to me.
Do any of you have any answers?
Have any of you had success with any of this?
Has anything worked to get them to change? I am not talking about the whip, here, but what do you do when these kids push your buttons so much, or do something that is really naughty? I have a difficult time with this. When Isabella does something that is very hurtful to her sisters (physically) or very naughty; for example, purposefully breaking something, lying over and over, not answering us, walking away as we talk to her, hurting her sisters, and much more, what do we do to show her this is not appropriate and she cannot do it anymore, but also not get riled up so she feels like she won because we are upset and are showing it?
Do any of you have suggestions?
The other difficult part, is that her younger sisters, 2, 3 and 5 years-old see that she is disciplined differently, and they pick up on that very quickly. This ends up causing problems between all four of them because it changes their dynamic and hierarchy as it normally would be between four sisters of this age. No one knows who's in charge or what they should be feeling, and it causes a lot of frustration for the younger one's! I feel very bad for them that they have to see us using different techniques with her, as they think she is getting away with something. I have heard other adoptive parents say this as well. The little one's do not have any understanding at their age that it is because she has different circumstances, and she will not respond to normal discipline.
We have tried all of the usual disciplines; time-outs, taking privileges away, taking her favorite "things" away, stopping her from going places, I've made her write sentences like a school would, I've put soap in her mouth on occasion when she's been very mouthy or the "crime" is with her mouth (so that the punishment fits the crime, so to speak), I've given her extra chores to do, hmmm....what else? You name it, we've done it. We've tried spankings, too. My husband and I said we would never spank our kids, but then when we had a child that didn't respond to anything we threw at her, we had to make sure we tried everything. NOTHING has worked! She just turns herself off from whatever it is and takes it. (Which is very common for RAD kids). So now, we've gotten to the point where we've pretty much given up on punishment because it doesn't work. But, then the other kids see that and they think they can do whatever they want!
I've had a lot of adoptive parents tell me, even recently, that when she does do something wrong, come at her lovingly and just tell her that she must have forgotten how we do things, or that's not how our family does things, let's try it again.
But, how do you do that when it is a dozen times per day?
Further, how do you do that with 3 other children watching? That is the big question to me.
Do any of you have any answers?
Have any of you had success with any of this?
Monday, March 22, 2010
You don't have to defend OR save her....
I have found that since we have adopted our daughter, Isabella, it has been the oddest thing how so many family members and friends we have come across have felt they have needed to defend, save or treat her differently. This has been a big problem for my husband and I because not only do we have three other children whom people treated totally differently than they treated Isabella, but it has made a detrimental impact on our attachment with her.
Our friends and family (not all of them, but too many of them) did one of a few things right from meeting Isabella. One, they would feel sorry for her and what she has been through, so they would talk to her in a very different voice even from how they talk to my other daughters. They would use this 'baby voice' even though when we adopted her she was just turning eight-years-old! Her sisters were the one's who were the babies (even now they are 2, 3, 5 and Isabella is 13)! Yet, then, they wouldn't use a baby voice on the little one's. They would actually treat them less attentively and affectionately and less warmly and lovingly than Isabella. We found this with many people who would meet her for the first time, too. Even with therapists, people from church; anyone who got wind that she had been adopted and had lived in an orphanage. It was crazy. Here we were trying to build this attachment as a family, and we were constantly being bombarded with people who were coming in and trying to jockey for this position of wanting to give her so much love and attention. This was again, people who should NOT have been doing this. It was NOT their position. They should have been helping us to build an attachment with her, or staying out of the relationship!
In hind-sight my husband and I know how detrimental this was to our attachment, but at the time, we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings because it was our friends and family. What a mistake that was. I know now if we would have followed our instincts, we may have built a stronger bond from the beginning. I don't know. There are so many questions now. And, of course the past few days I've had even more "what-ifs," because things seem to be worse than ever. Isabella is fighting so hard to control things around her. She won't follow the rules, is doing everything the opposite of what she is supposed to, she is lying about almost everything, hiding things, breaking things, she won't talk to us about anything, and hasn't for days, won't say "good-night," you name it, she is doing it. It has been very difficult. I have no answers as to what to do. Just surviving at this point. A lot of the stuff on paper probably sounds minor to other people, but when you add it up, and you are living with it 24/7, and it is constant, it gets to be too much as the parent! There is no outlet, no one to fill your tank, no answers to fix it, nothing......
To finish the other story....
So many people around us thought they had to "save her."
Wasn't that our job as the parents? It was so infuriating as others would treat us, constantly, like we didn't know what we were doing; we were incompetent (even though they had no experience in adoption or RAD or anything near this topic), yet they had all the answers (note the sarcasm)! My husband and I were far too nice letting so many people walk on us just because they wanted to try and save Isabella.
Or, worse yet, when I would try to confide in a friend or family member I thought was a safe person, they would instantly come to Isabella's rescue as though I was attacking her. All I was doing was opening up about what was going on as things were hard right from the start. She didn't need defending. I just needed someone to talk to. I know if I had been talking about one of my biological children, no one would have come to their rescue. That still happens to this day. People still constantly think they need to rescue her, defend her, save her and everything else I discussed.
Have any of you had problems like this with friends or family?
Our friends and family (not all of them, but too many of them) did one of a few things right from meeting Isabella. One, they would feel sorry for her and what she has been through, so they would talk to her in a very different voice even from how they talk to my other daughters. They would use this 'baby voice' even though when we adopted her she was just turning eight-years-old! Her sisters were the one's who were the babies (even now they are 2, 3, 5 and Isabella is 13)! Yet, then, they wouldn't use a baby voice on the little one's. They would actually treat them less attentively and affectionately and less warmly and lovingly than Isabella. We found this with many people who would meet her for the first time, too. Even with therapists, people from church; anyone who got wind that she had been adopted and had lived in an orphanage. It was crazy. Here we were trying to build this attachment as a family, and we were constantly being bombarded with people who were coming in and trying to jockey for this position of wanting to give her so much love and attention. This was again, people who should NOT have been doing this. It was NOT their position. They should have been helping us to build an attachment with her, or staying out of the relationship!
In hind-sight my husband and I know how detrimental this was to our attachment, but at the time, we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings because it was our friends and family. What a mistake that was. I know now if we would have followed our instincts, we may have built a stronger bond from the beginning. I don't know. There are so many questions now. And, of course the past few days I've had even more "what-ifs," because things seem to be worse than ever. Isabella is fighting so hard to control things around her. She won't follow the rules, is doing everything the opposite of what she is supposed to, she is lying about almost everything, hiding things, breaking things, she won't talk to us about anything, and hasn't for days, won't say "good-night," you name it, she is doing it. It has been very difficult. I have no answers as to what to do. Just surviving at this point. A lot of the stuff on paper probably sounds minor to other people, but when you add it up, and you are living with it 24/7, and it is constant, it gets to be too much as the parent! There is no outlet, no one to fill your tank, no answers to fix it, nothing......
To finish the other story....
So many people around us thought they had to "save her."
Wasn't that our job as the parents? It was so infuriating as others would treat us, constantly, like we didn't know what we were doing; we were incompetent (even though they had no experience in adoption or RAD or anything near this topic), yet they had all the answers (note the sarcasm)! My husband and I were far too nice letting so many people walk on us just because they wanted to try and save Isabella.
Or, worse yet, when I would try to confide in a friend or family member I thought was a safe person, they would instantly come to Isabella's rescue as though I was attacking her. All I was doing was opening up about what was going on as things were hard right from the start. She didn't need defending. I just needed someone to talk to. I know if I had been talking about one of my biological children, no one would have come to their rescue. That still happens to this day. People still constantly think they need to rescue her, defend her, save her and everything else I discussed.
Have any of you had problems like this with friends or family?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
ABC...123...Red, Blue, Yellow, Green...
Now I am going back to the beginning again. I've been wanting to build the foundation of this adoption story, and talk about some of the things that were odd, or struck a chord in us from the beginning. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such an intuitive person; however, it is a gift God gave me. I feel like I pick up on things with people who are close to me so much so that I begin to know them better than they know themselves- again a gift from God (and this is only so if they are the kind of person who doesn't have a good sense of self; for example, Isabella). I feel this is true about myself because not only have I tested it out on others, but then I have approached a couple of people close to me on the subject, and they have been amazed at how dead-on I am about how they are thinking and feeling. Again, I know this could only be from God, and I'm sure He gave this gift to me in order to deal with Isabella, because I don't know how I could understand her otherwise. Thank you God! So, even from the beginning, I had a questioning vibe about my relationship with Isabella, and things she would do. It wasn't anything I wanted to do, liked or could control. It was a subconscious thing that I tried to stop. I tried to ignore it, too, and for the most part I did, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to get as close to Isabella as I did.
From the moment we picked Isabella up from the orphanage, she and I were together 24/7. Literally. When we got home from Russia she was sleeping in bed with us. After being home for a week and a half, or so, Mike left for 3 weeks for work (he was in the military). So, Isabella was in bed with me still. I still get a lot of groans when I tell people that, but I am the kind of person who goes with the flow with my kids. I felt like she needed that for comfort. NO ONE told us ANYTHING with regard to how to best care for her, what to expect, etc. I did my best with what I had at that time! So, right before Mike was going to return back home, I transitioned her to her room, which was right next to ours. But, then I was staying in her room with her all the time so that became a safe place, too. We had a blast in her room! We were constantly learning English- the alphabet, numbers, colors, anything and everything. I didn't have her start school for a few weeks because I wanted to give her time to transition in so many ways (new parents, new home, new life, etc), so we spent all day together. Within weeks I already had her understanding quite a bit (communication- wise)! I felt like we were getting so close! She wouldn't leave my side.
It was voting year, for President, and when we went to the polls, she was literally on my feet because she was so scared to be away from me! The people running the polls wanted her to stay with Mike while I voted, but she wouldn't, nor did she understand. So, she came with me. As I said, she came with EVERYWHERE! She would wait outside the bathroom door. As much as I needed space at times, I had wanted kids for so many years, so I didn't really care. Plus, I thought it was because she loved me so much....
Little did I know, and would find out later, that she just needed to get used to her surroundings and learn English, become comfortable, that sort of thing. Then, I wasn't useful anymore.
One very strange thing happened (not strange to my husband, but mortifying to him) one day shortly after he returned home from his 3-week work trip, when we were meeting friends for dinner at the mall. Mike, Isabella and I had been at a store, and then realized we needed to get going in order to meet them on time. I had to use the restroom (I was 7 months pregnant, so, of course) first, so Mike and Isabella went one way and I went another. For a minute or two, Isabella was fine. Mike and she looked at a couple of things as they were walking on their way, and then all of a sudden things fell apart. Isabella had some sort of meltdown or froze, or something. We still don't know. What we do know is that she stopped in the middle of the mall and started acting toward Mike like he was kidnapping her! I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and asked if it might have been PTSD. Mike said it wasn't, because she was so busy looking around the mall at all of the new things, and wasn't having any problems whatsoever as long as he left her alone and let her "window shop." The moment he told her it was time to go using motions, she got mad. When she wouldn't go with him as he tried to coax her, he then grabbed her hand or arm to let her know it was really time to walk. That was when she had a complete meltdown. She was not going to listen to him! She wanted to look around at the mall, and that was that! So, here I was at the restaurant waiting for them, with our friends, wondering what the heck had happened to them. This was the first time our friends were meeting our new daughter. They were sooo happy for us. Mike and I were so stressed out at this point. How were we supposed to act all happy now? I'm sure many of you adoptive parents were able to blow stuff like this off. But, I had major pregnancy hormones, maybe that's why I couldn't just let it go, and Mike was so upset because he couldn't understand why Isabella didn't love him and want to be with him. It was very hard from the beginning. We thought, assumed (yes, I know) and hoped that when we adopted this precious child that we were helping her and making her life better. It now seems as though this is not the case.
I question that part every day still... Both my husband and I thought we were adopting a child who wanted to be adopted, who wanted a family, who wanted to be loved... Isabella ended up telling us shortly after she learned English that she never wanted to be adopted, it was her sister who wanted to be adopted.
Do you know something else ironic? So I changed how I've been treating Isabella the past week or two. No that isn't a long time yet, but it's been hard work.
So, for at least the past couple of years Isabella has said 'good-night' at bedtime and told us she loves us and hugged us. Now mind you, this was something we taught her to do as she didn't know how to say 'good-night' at all. Meaning, she never had to say 'good-night' to anyone, so we had to teach her what to do and the process. And, for at least a couple of years in the very beginning, we had a lot of ups and downs as this was used as a control mechanism. She would many times not tell us 'good-night' because she knew it would bother and hurt us. But, once we stopped acting like it bothered us, she stopped doing it, or maybe after 2-3 years she got tired of it.
So, ironicly enough, the past 3 nights now, she won't do her 'good-night' routine again! She is doing it again to hurt us. Isabella is upset that I haven't been getting mad, so she is trying to make me pay! That is her mentality (she has told me this before). Plus, she really did some things today to try to upset me that didn't work, so she is mad about that. It is very hard for me to not show her I'm upset or hurt that she didn't do her 'good-night' routine. However, I have to trust God that if I stay calm and patient like I have been lately, that it will be much better than if I get all riled up and upset. That has never worked well for me. Hopefully she will get bored with trying to irritate me like she did last time!
From the moment we picked Isabella up from the orphanage, she and I were together 24/7. Literally. When we got home from Russia she was sleeping in bed with us. After being home for a week and a half, or so, Mike left for 3 weeks for work (he was in the military). So, Isabella was in bed with me still. I still get a lot of groans when I tell people that, but I am the kind of person who goes with the flow with my kids. I felt like she needed that for comfort. NO ONE told us ANYTHING with regard to how to best care for her, what to expect, etc. I did my best with what I had at that time! So, right before Mike was going to return back home, I transitioned her to her room, which was right next to ours. But, then I was staying in her room with her all the time so that became a safe place, too. We had a blast in her room! We were constantly learning English- the alphabet, numbers, colors, anything and everything. I didn't have her start school for a few weeks because I wanted to give her time to transition in so many ways (new parents, new home, new life, etc), so we spent all day together. Within weeks I already had her understanding quite a bit (communication- wise)! I felt like we were getting so close! She wouldn't leave my side.
It was voting year, for President, and when we went to the polls, she was literally on my feet because she was so scared to be away from me! The people running the polls wanted her to stay with Mike while I voted, but she wouldn't, nor did she understand. So, she came with me. As I said, she came with EVERYWHERE! She would wait outside the bathroom door. As much as I needed space at times, I had wanted kids for so many years, so I didn't really care. Plus, I thought it was because she loved me so much....
Little did I know, and would find out later, that she just needed to get used to her surroundings and learn English, become comfortable, that sort of thing. Then, I wasn't useful anymore.
One very strange thing happened (not strange to my husband, but mortifying to him) one day shortly after he returned home from his 3-week work trip, when we were meeting friends for dinner at the mall. Mike, Isabella and I had been at a store, and then realized we needed to get going in order to meet them on time. I had to use the restroom (I was 7 months pregnant, so, of course) first, so Mike and Isabella went one way and I went another. For a minute or two, Isabella was fine. Mike and she looked at a couple of things as they were walking on their way, and then all of a sudden things fell apart. Isabella had some sort of meltdown or froze, or something. We still don't know. What we do know is that she stopped in the middle of the mall and started acting toward Mike like he was kidnapping her! I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and asked if it might have been PTSD. Mike said it wasn't, because she was so busy looking around the mall at all of the new things, and wasn't having any problems whatsoever as long as he left her alone and let her "window shop." The moment he told her it was time to go using motions, she got mad. When she wouldn't go with him as he tried to coax her, he then grabbed her hand or arm to let her know it was really time to walk. That was when she had a complete meltdown. She was not going to listen to him! She wanted to look around at the mall, and that was that! So, here I was at the restaurant waiting for them, with our friends, wondering what the heck had happened to them. This was the first time our friends were meeting our new daughter. They were sooo happy for us. Mike and I were so stressed out at this point. How were we supposed to act all happy now? I'm sure many of you adoptive parents were able to blow stuff like this off. But, I had major pregnancy hormones, maybe that's why I couldn't just let it go, and Mike was so upset because he couldn't understand why Isabella didn't love him and want to be with him. It was very hard from the beginning. We thought, assumed (yes, I know) and hoped that when we adopted this precious child that we were helping her and making her life better. It now seems as though this is not the case.
I question that part every day still... Both my husband and I thought we were adopting a child who wanted to be adopted, who wanted a family, who wanted to be loved... Isabella ended up telling us shortly after she learned English that she never wanted to be adopted, it was her sister who wanted to be adopted.
Do you know something else ironic? So I changed how I've been treating Isabella the past week or two. No that isn't a long time yet, but it's been hard work.
So, for at least the past couple of years Isabella has said 'good-night' at bedtime and told us she loves us and hugged us. Now mind you, this was something we taught her to do as she didn't know how to say 'good-night' at all. Meaning, she never had to say 'good-night' to anyone, so we had to teach her what to do and the process. And, for at least a couple of years in the very beginning, we had a lot of ups and downs as this was used as a control mechanism. She would many times not tell us 'good-night' because she knew it would bother and hurt us. But, once we stopped acting like it bothered us, she stopped doing it, or maybe after 2-3 years she got tired of it.
So, ironicly enough, the past 3 nights now, she won't do her 'good-night' routine again! She is doing it again to hurt us. Isabella is upset that I haven't been getting mad, so she is trying to make me pay! That is her mentality (she has told me this before). Plus, she really did some things today to try to upset me that didn't work, so she is mad about that. It is very hard for me to not show her I'm upset or hurt that she didn't do her 'good-night' routine. However, I have to trust God that if I stay calm and patient like I have been lately, that it will be much better than if I get all riled up and upset. That has never worked well for me. Hopefully she will get bored with trying to irritate me like she did last time!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Putting ourselves first....but listen to God...
Hmmmm... what's that? Putting ourselves first as a mom to our beautiful children? Whether adopted or not. How many of us do that? Isn't that selfish and un-Christian? That is what I told myselft for years and still do most days. But, how are we supposed to be a good mother to our wonderful children if we don't take care of ourselves? I remember as a teenager going to a weekend retreat with my best friend at the time. When I got there it was at the biggest Catholic church in our area, and it seemed half my high school was there as well. The lesson of the weekend was J.O.Y.; Jesus, Others, then You. I still sometimes question that because if we always put others first (I believe in putting God first, however), do we ever truly take care of ourselves? I know I didn't take care of myself for many, many years! It was sooo unhealthy! It became scary. My physical and emotional health faltered in a way I could not have imagined.
Prior to trying to get pregnant, I was in great shape. I was close to 100 lbs. less than I am now and felt great! Now, I have fibromyalgia, I weigh far too much for my frame, I have gone through bouts of depression; all of this since this situation started with putting the adoption before myself. I am not blaming anyone else, I am just stating that I let go completely of taking care of myself, and began to only take care of my family. Part of that was inescapable because I had 4 children in 3 years. Three infants and a very high maintenance child who took a ton of time and care! So, of course at first all of the children needed 24/7 constant care. I have absolutely no regrets; it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I just ended up losing myself in all of it, and now need to find myself again!
I started my own personal therapy 3 months ago so that I could better understand my own feelings and come up with better reactions to Isabella. How I was reacting to her before, and still do now on occasion, is not healthy. It does not do either one of us any good when I am upset and angry. Are some of you with me on this one?
It took me a while to get over the fact that if I let her "get away with something," which is what I enterpreted the situation as when I didn't discipline her, but just ignored what happened, it was sooo much healthier for me. I figured if I did this, she would think she won! How could I let her win when she had hurt me so?! Are some of you thinking the same thing here, too? Man, this was hard for me! Honestly, ladies (hopefully some gentleman, too!), this was one of the hardest changes I have ever had to make! Do you know what, though? It has been the best thing I have done! I can't believe it! I have only had the courage to implement this (and listen to God telling me and urging me) very steadily the past 2-3 weeks. Yes, you would think I could have gotten with the program more quickly. But, I guess my dad says our side of the family is "bull-headed." So, not so smartly I was trying to do things my own way, when God knew better all along! I guess I need to start trusting Him more because He always leads me in the right way!
Further, as I have been told by several other adoptive parents that have successfully tried this change... if we do not like how things are going with our adoptive child, we as the parents need to change how we treat them, react, etc. That is pretty much what I said above. The hardest part for me in that, was I didn't think I should have to change! I felt Isabella was the one causing the problems, so why couldn't we just fix her? I know that isn't the most loving thing to say, but I think you adoptive RAD parents out there know exactly what I mean. We don't feel like this every day, maybe, but I know many days I feel like, in all honesty, my life was pretty darn good before all of this, and the reason it isn't now is because of this adoption. Whew, glad to get that off my chest! So, how many readers did I just lose? ;) Buuuuuttttt, as you know, I said I gave in to changing. So, as much as I would love for Isabella to be able to change, too, I realized it was healthier for ME, if I did so, too!
One other note to that, is, I also just started seeing a nutritionist last month to get myself healthier. Funny enough, the very first time I met her she told me how I had to stop giving my kids my food every time I sit down to eat. I used to feed my kids first, then get my food. As I would eat, somehow the little one's would become hungry again (could they really be hungry 30 minutes later?) and take as much as they felt like. Even though I felt a little ripped off, they were my babies. Wasn't I supposed to give them what they needed? As she reminded me, I had just fed them. I HAD given them what they needed. So, when I sat down, this was my time now. And, because I had measured my food to comply with what she had laid out for me, she told me not to let them have my food. She wanted me eating everything I had for my meal because they were foods my body needed. The point is, this was another lesson for me in putting myself first in this situation. It was hard to say, "no," to my babies. They are my life. I say "no" to them all the time when it comes to loving discipline. However, this was different. Do you know what, again, though? It felt good to start putting myself first here. It was in a healthy way. So, putting ourselves first doesn't mean putting others last, or not taking care of others or anything of the like.
So, I am not saying that we should put our family or chilren at the bottom; not by any means! However, as most of you parents know, if we don't take care of ourselves (usually that means first), how can we be a good mother or father to our beautiful children? There is a reason why when we fly on an airplane that the flight attendant(s) tell us to put our own oxygen mask on first before our child(ren). The first time I flew with Isabella only- as flying with my first child (coming back from the adoption in Russia), I thought, how awful. Not give my child oxygen until I do? That doesn't sound like a good parent! But, how it makes sense doesn't it? We can't give our children life unless we are living! Take care of yourself mom's and dad's! Please! You are worth it!
I would love to hear what others are thinking after reading this! Please share your comments below or ask questions!
Prior to trying to get pregnant, I was in great shape. I was close to 100 lbs. less than I am now and felt great! Now, I have fibromyalgia, I weigh far too much for my frame, I have gone through bouts of depression; all of this since this situation started with putting the adoption before myself. I am not blaming anyone else, I am just stating that I let go completely of taking care of myself, and began to only take care of my family. Part of that was inescapable because I had 4 children in 3 years. Three infants and a very high maintenance child who took a ton of time and care! So, of course at first all of the children needed 24/7 constant care. I have absolutely no regrets; it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I just ended up losing myself in all of it, and now need to find myself again!
I started my own personal therapy 3 months ago so that I could better understand my own feelings and come up with better reactions to Isabella. How I was reacting to her before, and still do now on occasion, is not healthy. It does not do either one of us any good when I am upset and angry. Are some of you with me on this one?
It took me a while to get over the fact that if I let her "get away with something," which is what I enterpreted the situation as when I didn't discipline her, but just ignored what happened, it was sooo much healthier for me. I figured if I did this, she would think she won! How could I let her win when she had hurt me so?! Are some of you thinking the same thing here, too? Man, this was hard for me! Honestly, ladies (hopefully some gentleman, too!), this was one of the hardest changes I have ever had to make! Do you know what, though? It has been the best thing I have done! I can't believe it! I have only had the courage to implement this (and listen to God telling me and urging me) very steadily the past 2-3 weeks. Yes, you would think I could have gotten with the program more quickly. But, I guess my dad says our side of the family is "bull-headed." So, not so smartly I was trying to do things my own way, when God knew better all along! I guess I need to start trusting Him more because He always leads me in the right way!
Further, as I have been told by several other adoptive parents that have successfully tried this change... if we do not like how things are going with our adoptive child, we as the parents need to change how we treat them, react, etc. That is pretty much what I said above. The hardest part for me in that, was I didn't think I should have to change! I felt Isabella was the one causing the problems, so why couldn't we just fix her? I know that isn't the most loving thing to say, but I think you adoptive RAD parents out there know exactly what I mean. We don't feel like this every day, maybe, but I know many days I feel like, in all honesty, my life was pretty darn good before all of this, and the reason it isn't now is because of this adoption. Whew, glad to get that off my chest! So, how many readers did I just lose? ;) Buuuuuttttt, as you know, I said I gave in to changing. So, as much as I would love for Isabella to be able to change, too, I realized it was healthier for ME, if I did so, too!
One other note to that, is, I also just started seeing a nutritionist last month to get myself healthier. Funny enough, the very first time I met her she told me how I had to stop giving my kids my food every time I sit down to eat. I used to feed my kids first, then get my food. As I would eat, somehow the little one's would become hungry again (could they really be hungry 30 minutes later?) and take as much as they felt like. Even though I felt a little ripped off, they were my babies. Wasn't I supposed to give them what they needed? As she reminded me, I had just fed them. I HAD given them what they needed. So, when I sat down, this was my time now. And, because I had measured my food to comply with what she had laid out for me, she told me not to let them have my food. She wanted me eating everything I had for my meal because they were foods my body needed. The point is, this was another lesson for me in putting myself first in this situation. It was hard to say, "no," to my babies. They are my life. I say "no" to them all the time when it comes to loving discipline. However, this was different. Do you know what, again, though? It felt good to start putting myself first here. It was in a healthy way. So, putting ourselves first doesn't mean putting others last, or not taking care of others or anything of the like.
So, I am not saying that we should put our family or chilren at the bottom; not by any means! However, as most of you parents know, if we don't take care of ourselves (usually that means first), how can we be a good mother or father to our beautiful children? There is a reason why when we fly on an airplane that the flight attendant(s) tell us to put our own oxygen mask on first before our child(ren). The first time I flew with Isabella only- as flying with my first child (coming back from the adoption in Russia), I thought, how awful. Not give my child oxygen until I do? That doesn't sound like a good parent! But, how it makes sense doesn't it? We can't give our children life unless we are living! Take care of yourself mom's and dad's! Please! You are worth it!
I would love to hear what others are thinking after reading this! Please share your comments below or ask questions!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Let's go to therapy.... again??
Our family hasn't had the greatest luck when it comes to therapy and helping our adoption problems. At the beginning of all of this, when the problems started 5-1/2 years ago (yes, ours started right away), I wanted Isabella to go to therapy and get fixed herself! I didn't understand why that couldn't happen! Our first contact with therapy was from Christian Recovery Center. My husband and I were sooo disappointed in that therapy. It was "play therapy." Now, I know from my background as a social worker that play therapy has its place. But, Isabella's therapist there was sooo convinced she had been abused in more ways than what her paperwork showed (it showed neglect by mom and dirty home; but no sexual or physical abuse). And, Isabella had concurred this to me that it was true; everything her papers said was correct; no physical or sexual abuse. But, this therapist was on a witch hunt to find mostly sexual abuse by way of playing board games with her. And, my biggest problem was, that's all they did week after week. Play games. Seriously. It was awful for Mike and I. Isabella thought it was a dream come true. Here we were trying to build a bond with our daughter, unsuccessfully I might add, and then this other man rides in on a horse and does one of her favorite things. He showed her no boundaries, just wanted to be her best friend. And, what was worse, I had just had Ava (or she was still very young), and I had just become pregnant again. So, Mike was taking her to the appointments because I didn't have the best pregnancies. I felt so out of control with the whole thing. How could I tell her not to play with him when I could hardly play with her myself? I felt terrible! After not too much longer we stopped going to him because it was doing no good at all. Isabella was not moving forward even slightly. Also, the ONLY report we EVER got from him was after playing a game with her one night he told Mike she wasn't always playing honestly, and he also said, "there sure is another side to that girl!" He hit that nail on the head! He said it in such a way as to mean another personality, or something. It was very interesting he would say that so soon into the adoption. That was the only positive thing came from that therapy.
After him my mom was trying to help, and so she set us up with someone from her Sweet Adelines singing group who had some kind of background in therapy. That was an awful day when she came over, let me tell you! This woman came into our home and blamed all of the problems we were having on my husband and I. Isabella is very petite for her age (which makes her look even more cute and tiny), and she knows exactly when to put on the waterworks and look sad and sorry, etc. So, that day she immediately picked up on the fact that this woman was coming down on her mom and dad but feeling totally sorry for her, and she liked it. She was eating out of the palm of this lady's hand. This lady also had the audacity to tell my husband that he was an angry person all because we were being honest about our feelings when she asked questions about how we felt. I was in shock. At least we were being honest about where we were at with the relationship, instead of lying. We told her we weren't at a place where we could do all of the suggestions the RAD books say regarding building a bond with the child, due to the hurt that had been caused so far.
Once again, someone putting the adoptive parent in this place where we are supposedly doing something wrong. This was another reason why I didn't want to talk to anyone for so long. I always felt attacked. My husband and I got this a lot! We had quite a few people, family included, telling us we were doing things wrong and how we were bad parents. It was horrible! I could never have imagined something so horrible!
So, my husband left the room when this lady became rude, and sadly I knew my mom was somewhat friends with her. So, as much as I wanted to tell her to go fly, I felt I had to be cordial, because that is how my mom brought me up. So, I just told her she could leave. She got the message and figured out we weren't going to have her back.
I then really started praying for what to do next because things weren't getting any better. At that point I was feeling REALLY alone and sad, and was convinced no one understood! God led me to put a prayer request on a prayer card at church. I asked the church to pray for our family regarding the problems we were having with Isabella and not being able to attach with her as a family. Shortly thereafter I got a phone call from the Parish Nurse asking us if she could come to our house and talk with us, pray with us and counsel us a little. We were pretty worn out at this point, but at least this was someone who wouldn't judge us, so we accepted. It went well in that it was nice to have extra people praying for our family. We definately needed that. Yet, again, she had no experience in Reactive Attachment Disorder, so, for me, people like that are hard to have therapy with. They want to help, but they are used to counseling mainstream problems, and RAD is so not that! And, I find that when people counsel in a mainstream way, it makes things worse. Or, at least it has for us. The way the relationship is built with a RAD person and everyone involved, including a therapist, is totally different. So, if the therapist is not versed in RAD and they just do regular therapy, they don't go about building the relationship and trust correctly. This is so dire! There are those rare therapists who know how to appropriately build that trust, and it works! If not, things can get worse. Kids with RAD know how to play games, and I have seen several therapists and teachers at school get played because they don't know what they are getting themselves into. These kids are extremely smart when it comes to getting what they want! They watch the people in their life they need to, and whom they are going to at some point need to use or play. I should state that the Parish Nurse was extremely nice and she didn't make things worse, per se. It just gets hard when you have one more adult coming into your home doting on the RAD child before you've built that bond with your child. The adult has no idea how destructive that is. And, how do you tell someone so nice that is from your church? We have found that everyone seems to think that all Isabella needs is love. "Love will conquer all!" So, they come over, pour love, affection, attention and many times gifts on her, without being equal to her sisters. She sits back completely loving it but acting like she doesn't. So, they feel even more sorry for her. Then, they think they need to do it again at a later time! This has also happened to us on many, many occasions.
Has this happened to any of you out there?
To finish with the therapy piece, we did see the Parish Nurse off and on numerous times as she was mostly a fabulous support to the family! I would also stop and see her to give her updates when I was at the church every week for a Mom's Group that met there. So, we kept in touch with her for quite a while.
In the middle of all of this, at Isabella's elementary school, we were seeing the school counselor. She was a fabulous person! I don't think she will mind me saying her first name, Dana. We would have loved to go further with Dana, except that Dana told us forthright that our situation exceeded her training. She didn't have specific training in adoption or RAD. But, she was so wonderful in that she was non-judgmental, she listened, she believed me and she was pretty much the only one at that time who did! Thanks Dana, if you ever read this. She got me through some really tough times! She stuck with us from the time Isabella was adopted and started her first elementary school, for the next four school years (almost). So, we went through a lot with her and she helped us with a lot of issues. She helped me more than any other therapist.
I know that sounds contrary to what I was just saying above, but this wasn't the one-on-one therapy session with Isabella alone where she was having to build the right kind of trust. Don't get me wrong. They did do counseling at school. But, even with that, Dana managed to do that as well as a RAD counselor would! However, mostly what she did with our family was talk to me about what we could do to make things better, she did home visits with me, when I was worried about an eating disorder with Isabella she brought the school nurse to my home along with her, and so much more. She ALWAYS went the extra mile. That's what made her so special. I pray for another one like her! Unfortunately when we moved a little less than two years ago, we changed schools. Isabella would have gone to middle school the next year later anyways, I guess, but we never made as good of connections at either new school (and they are in the same district!).
Lastly, we thought we were being really smart when my husband found out about an attachment center that did therapy out of Deephaven, I think it was. The best part was, they did in-home therapy. We really needed that because we had so many little one's, and we all felt involved at this point. In case you are wondering, this was again just shortly after the Parish Nurse. The very first therapist was about a year after we adopted Isabella, and this last one was about 2-1/2 years after the adoption (so about 1-1/2 years from the first to the starting of the last).
We had heard wonderful things about this place and it had been recommended several times by several different people. On one hand I was totally burnt out and had absolutely no interest in starting therapy again. However, on the other hand, this place was supposed to be the be-all, end-all. This center should solve all of our problems. I could relax. It was going to be over soon. No more problems. We hit the jackpot. I thought they were going to fix Isabella. I was excited. Hopefully they would see all of the hurt she causes us. Or.....
We got a therapist who was VERY young. I think we were her first clients, and I felt like she was doing her internship and wasn't really done with school yet. I had a problem with this because (not just because of the rates), I felt like she was just randomly trying things with us. I felt like she didn't concretely know anything for sure. It was sooo disheartening. I was sooo frustrated. She would come for a couple of hours, which was great, and, Isabella would NEVER talk, which is normal for her. Lisa (I looked them up on-line and didn't see a "Lisa," there anymore, so I feel safe using her first name) would hardly try to get Isabella to talk, all she would do is maybe draw a picture with Isabella and talk to us. Now, I know there is credence to drawing pictures with RAD kids. But, Isabella didn't want to draw it alone either, so Lisa would help her or ask if she wanted Ava to help her. I didn't understand that! We never talked about ANYTHING of importance! Mike and I would bring up big, important issues in our family. Unfortunately, at that time they were things Isabella was doing, or not doing. Lisa NEVER confronted her. That bothered me. How were things going to get better?? We always stayed in the large group, too, which was fine, but we never got anywhere! So, Isabella heard everything we talked about. When we would ask Lisa what the plans were for the future weeks, she never really had one. It was very strange and irritating!
So, this is to Lisa the reader. Please don't get discouraged. First, like I said, I didn't see her name on the website, so even if you are going to the same place, you shouldn't get her. Second, I felt the first time in meeting her (after giving her the full two-hour session) that it wasn't going to work. But, we continued to give her many more weeks. I think you will know with your woman's intuition whether or not it's going to work. If you don't feel good about who you get, ask for someone else. That is what we didn't do because we thought they knew more. Please let us know, Lisa, how the therapy goes. I hope and pray it goes well!
Isabella started seeing someone else again. We waited a couple of years until this current one because we were burnt out and she told us straight out she wasn't going to talk to anyone. At this very time, we are again taking a break from her therapist because she told me just a couple of weeks ago she wasn't talking to her therapist because she doesn't like sharing anything with her (yet she will say she wants to get better, but does everything the opposite to make that possible). She still sabotages all of our efforts to help her move forward. She also intensely saw therapists in the hospital before and after Christmas 2009. I will write all of that in another post soon because that is a whole other story.
As for myself, I had given up on therapy even though I was getting my Masters in Counseling and Psychology until we started the adopton and I got pregnant (I was 1/2 done with my Masters). However, 3-1/2 months ago I started seeing a therapist so I could talk about how I felt with the stress in the home regarding the adoption and living with a child who has RAD. I am so glad I did this. It has been very helpful.
I would love to hear your stories about therapy you've tried that has worked or not worked. Or, do you have a therapist you like/ love, do you loathe therapy? What are your feelings on this?
After him my mom was trying to help, and so she set us up with someone from her Sweet Adelines singing group who had some kind of background in therapy. That was an awful day when she came over, let me tell you! This woman came into our home and blamed all of the problems we were having on my husband and I. Isabella is very petite for her age (which makes her look even more cute and tiny), and she knows exactly when to put on the waterworks and look sad and sorry, etc. So, that day she immediately picked up on the fact that this woman was coming down on her mom and dad but feeling totally sorry for her, and she liked it. She was eating out of the palm of this lady's hand. This lady also had the audacity to tell my husband that he was an angry person all because we were being honest about our feelings when she asked questions about how we felt. I was in shock. At least we were being honest about where we were at with the relationship, instead of lying. We told her we weren't at a place where we could do all of the suggestions the RAD books say regarding building a bond with the child, due to the hurt that had been caused so far.
Once again, someone putting the adoptive parent in this place where we are supposedly doing something wrong. This was another reason why I didn't want to talk to anyone for so long. I always felt attacked. My husband and I got this a lot! We had quite a few people, family included, telling us we were doing things wrong and how we were bad parents. It was horrible! I could never have imagined something so horrible!
So, my husband left the room when this lady became rude, and sadly I knew my mom was somewhat friends with her. So, as much as I wanted to tell her to go fly, I felt I had to be cordial, because that is how my mom brought me up. So, I just told her she could leave. She got the message and figured out we weren't going to have her back.
I then really started praying for what to do next because things weren't getting any better. At that point I was feeling REALLY alone and sad, and was convinced no one understood! God led me to put a prayer request on a prayer card at church. I asked the church to pray for our family regarding the problems we were having with Isabella and not being able to attach with her as a family. Shortly thereafter I got a phone call from the Parish Nurse asking us if she could come to our house and talk with us, pray with us and counsel us a little. We were pretty worn out at this point, but at least this was someone who wouldn't judge us, so we accepted. It went well in that it was nice to have extra people praying for our family. We definately needed that. Yet, again, she had no experience in Reactive Attachment Disorder, so, for me, people like that are hard to have therapy with. They want to help, but they are used to counseling mainstream problems, and RAD is so not that! And, I find that when people counsel in a mainstream way, it makes things worse. Or, at least it has for us. The way the relationship is built with a RAD person and everyone involved, including a therapist, is totally different. So, if the therapist is not versed in RAD and they just do regular therapy, they don't go about building the relationship and trust correctly. This is so dire! There are those rare therapists who know how to appropriately build that trust, and it works! If not, things can get worse. Kids with RAD know how to play games, and I have seen several therapists and teachers at school get played because they don't know what they are getting themselves into. These kids are extremely smart when it comes to getting what they want! They watch the people in their life they need to, and whom they are going to at some point need to use or play. I should state that the Parish Nurse was extremely nice and she didn't make things worse, per se. It just gets hard when you have one more adult coming into your home doting on the RAD child before you've built that bond with your child. The adult has no idea how destructive that is. And, how do you tell someone so nice that is from your church? We have found that everyone seems to think that all Isabella needs is love. "Love will conquer all!" So, they come over, pour love, affection, attention and many times gifts on her, without being equal to her sisters. She sits back completely loving it but acting like she doesn't. So, they feel even more sorry for her. Then, they think they need to do it again at a later time! This has also happened to us on many, many occasions.
Has this happened to any of you out there?
To finish with the therapy piece, we did see the Parish Nurse off and on numerous times as she was mostly a fabulous support to the family! I would also stop and see her to give her updates when I was at the church every week for a Mom's Group that met there. So, we kept in touch with her for quite a while.
In the middle of all of this, at Isabella's elementary school, we were seeing the school counselor. She was a fabulous person! I don't think she will mind me saying her first name, Dana. We would have loved to go further with Dana, except that Dana told us forthright that our situation exceeded her training. She didn't have specific training in adoption or RAD. But, she was so wonderful in that she was non-judgmental, she listened, she believed me and she was pretty much the only one at that time who did! Thanks Dana, if you ever read this. She got me through some really tough times! She stuck with us from the time Isabella was adopted and started her first elementary school, for the next four school years (almost). So, we went through a lot with her and she helped us with a lot of issues. She helped me more than any other therapist.
I know that sounds contrary to what I was just saying above, but this wasn't the one-on-one therapy session with Isabella alone where she was having to build the right kind of trust. Don't get me wrong. They did do counseling at school. But, even with that, Dana managed to do that as well as a RAD counselor would! However, mostly what she did with our family was talk to me about what we could do to make things better, she did home visits with me, when I was worried about an eating disorder with Isabella she brought the school nurse to my home along with her, and so much more. She ALWAYS went the extra mile. That's what made her so special. I pray for another one like her! Unfortunately when we moved a little less than two years ago, we changed schools. Isabella would have gone to middle school the next year later anyways, I guess, but we never made as good of connections at either new school (and they are in the same district!).
Lastly, we thought we were being really smart when my husband found out about an attachment center that did therapy out of Deephaven, I think it was. The best part was, they did in-home therapy. We really needed that because we had so many little one's, and we all felt involved at this point. In case you are wondering, this was again just shortly after the Parish Nurse. The very first therapist was about a year after we adopted Isabella, and this last one was about 2-1/2 years after the adoption (so about 1-1/2 years from the first to the starting of the last).
We had heard wonderful things about this place and it had been recommended several times by several different people. On one hand I was totally burnt out and had absolutely no interest in starting therapy again. However, on the other hand, this place was supposed to be the be-all, end-all. This center should solve all of our problems. I could relax. It was going to be over soon. No more problems. We hit the jackpot. I thought they were going to fix Isabella. I was excited. Hopefully they would see all of the hurt she causes us. Or.....
We got a therapist who was VERY young. I think we were her first clients, and I felt like she was doing her internship and wasn't really done with school yet. I had a problem with this because (not just because of the rates), I felt like she was just randomly trying things with us. I felt like she didn't concretely know anything for sure. It was sooo disheartening. I was sooo frustrated. She would come for a couple of hours, which was great, and, Isabella would NEVER talk, which is normal for her. Lisa (I looked them up on-line and didn't see a "Lisa," there anymore, so I feel safe using her first name) would hardly try to get Isabella to talk, all she would do is maybe draw a picture with Isabella and talk to us. Now, I know there is credence to drawing pictures with RAD kids. But, Isabella didn't want to draw it alone either, so Lisa would help her or ask if she wanted Ava to help her. I didn't understand that! We never talked about ANYTHING of importance! Mike and I would bring up big, important issues in our family. Unfortunately, at that time they were things Isabella was doing, or not doing. Lisa NEVER confronted her. That bothered me. How were things going to get better?? We always stayed in the large group, too, which was fine, but we never got anywhere! So, Isabella heard everything we talked about. When we would ask Lisa what the plans were for the future weeks, she never really had one. It was very strange and irritating!
So, this is to Lisa the reader. Please don't get discouraged. First, like I said, I didn't see her name on the website, so even if you are going to the same place, you shouldn't get her. Second, I felt the first time in meeting her (after giving her the full two-hour session) that it wasn't going to work. But, we continued to give her many more weeks. I think you will know with your woman's intuition whether or not it's going to work. If you don't feel good about who you get, ask for someone else. That is what we didn't do because we thought they knew more. Please let us know, Lisa, how the therapy goes. I hope and pray it goes well!
Isabella started seeing someone else again. We waited a couple of years until this current one because we were burnt out and she told us straight out she wasn't going to talk to anyone. At this very time, we are again taking a break from her therapist because she told me just a couple of weeks ago she wasn't talking to her therapist because she doesn't like sharing anything with her (yet she will say she wants to get better, but does everything the opposite to make that possible). She still sabotages all of our efforts to help her move forward. She also intensely saw therapists in the hospital before and after Christmas 2009. I will write all of that in another post soon because that is a whole other story.
As for myself, I had given up on therapy even though I was getting my Masters in Counseling and Psychology until we started the adopton and I got pregnant (I was 1/2 done with my Masters). However, 3-1/2 months ago I started seeing a therapist so I could talk about how I felt with the stress in the home regarding the adoption and living with a child who has RAD. I am so glad I did this. It has been very helpful.
I would love to hear your stories about therapy you've tried that has worked or not worked. Or, do you have a therapist you like/ love, do you loathe therapy? What are your feelings on this?
Sunday, March 14, 2010
A New Day
On this beautiful Springish Day (or is it Spring yet? We're almost there, I think!), I can't help but to count the blessings I have instead of what I don't have. So many times I get caught up in frustrations of life; children, money, money, bills. I'm sure many of you know what I mean. It would be especially easy today when our adopted daughter, Isabella, is, of course, doing her best to make mom's day the worst it could be! I have been working so hard recently on not letting her bother me as much as it used to. I try and remind myself that if I get upset, that is what she wants, and, I lose. So, I try and take some deep breaths and relax. My problems is, I am so hard-wired at this point to RE-act a certain way. It is not like other things in life where we just act after something happens. I am sooo used to the same ol' same ol' that I just get used to getting upset and frustrated. So, why change what I am doing when nothing else changes?One thing I have tried to change, however, is from something that another smart adoptive mother reminded me is okay to do. Take a mommy time-out. Cheri Hanson reminded me that mom's can do this, too, and we will be better for it! Nothing major, just a few minute time-out like we would give our own kids. For some reason I had always told myself in the past couple of years that I had to be "on." So, taking a time-out wasn't an option. But, once I did, it really seemed to work! Thanks Cheri!
Taking a time-out in a different way seems to be a great idea for today! It is such a beautiful day it seems we should open our windows and air out all of that old Winter stale-ness inside. And, while our houses are airing out, maybe all of us should go get some fresh air and clear out our own lungs from the "inside only" air we've been breathing all Winter. It might give a new perspective to our relationships that seem stale, too! =) Of course this will not be the be all, end all answer to our relationship problems, but I know I sure needed a newness to my relationship thoughts! I was feeling VERY stale after being cooped up all Winter long inside. I have had Spring fever for a while now. But, that is the great part about MN, the season changes! I definately look forward to something different to come! Iknow I couldn't handle the same weather all the time! Although, this Winter did seem to drag........
Anyhoo, it's almost over, and Spring is here! No more snow, pleeeeaaaaasssseeee???!?!!!?!
I guess I got off track! Ha! Sorry, I love this kind of weather, so it makes me a little squirrely! Sorry, bad joke. But really, I want to hear how the rest of you are doing out there and if you have any stories to tell!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I am at the end of my rope.......
I am feeling very down in the dumps today about our adoption and what we are going through. I am also feeling very alone and like no one understands. Do any of you feel that way sometimes? I go up and down regarding having hope and if our adoption is going to work out or not. Are we going to have a family with four children or three children? I can't really picture our family without Isabella, but some days I get to the end of my rope.
Today I am really hurting and feeling very isolated. I know that Isabella feels the same way, but it is hard to see that when I have felt stuck for so long, and, okay, yes, I am saying the wrong thing here, but I feel like she is the cause. I'm sure a lot of experts would say I can't see her side and start to heal until I stop feeling sorry for myself. But, man it hurts when you have someone in your home for 5-1/2 years who does so much to hurt you. I know, too, it supposedly is not personal, but my entire life with children has been about "this adoption problem."
Again, I need to say that I know it is not Isabella as a person who is causing this. I know she was wounded and hurt as a baby, and she is just reacting to what she knows. But, there is that logic center in me (I am way too logical of a person for this problem, I feel, because I can't see past this) that says, after 5-1/2 years, don't you know I love you, and don't you trust me enough to know I won't throw you away by now? That is where I have such an issue.
Not only that, but Isabella starts doing "crazy making" things so often. That is when I get really upset. That is the part I do not understand. She seems to do it many times without cause and provocation.
I thought it would make me feel better to find out that so many other children with Reactive Attachment Disorder do the same thing. This comes mostly from the information I re-learned last weekend talking and listening to other adoptive parents. It was a wonderful event, and I am so glad I went. I was thinking and hoping it would make me more understanding and patient toward Isabella. But, for some reason it didn't change anything. I am very sad for that. I feel so stuck.
I think it is because I do have a change of heart quite frequently. Every few days I wake up and decide "let's try this again!" Then, that is when it all starts all over again with her antics..........
I apologize to my readers if it sounds as though I am just complaining. But, any of you out there who are going through similar situations know there are a lot of times you feel so alone and just need someone to "talk" to or you just have to vent. Living with a child who has R.A.D. is A LOT to deal with. Especially if you are the mother. You mom's know what I mean! I do talk to my husband about it, and we do have a good relationship. But, when it comes to Isabella, it is difficult. He never sees it as dire as a problem as I do. That just makes me feel even more alone and isolated. That is what triggered today's feelings of being so low. I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't quite get it. He says he does and can put himself in my shoes, but he just doesn't act like it. I guess I know how upset I am about the situation on many days, but I have no one else in the world who is as upset as I am.
I have thought about if roles were reversed, and if I could understand how he felt. I know it would be hard, but, I don't know, maybe I could understand, maybe I couldn't. Sometimes I just feel like I would try harder, or show it more. Maybe that is the problem more. He doesn't show it to me. I know men have a problem with that.
I don't want to throw him under the bus either. It is just sooo frustrating when I feel like I am beating my head against the wall, and all I want is for someone to understand!!! That is all I feel like I want right now. Someone to say, "ya, you put up with a lot.... it is hard.... I know.... I see it... I see what happens..." Or, if any of you out there are going through something similar, I would much appreciate to hear from you. It's nice to know from someone who has or is going through this, that it is going to be okay.
The sad thing is, if you have done a forein adoption, you have a 99% chance of your child(ren) ending up with attchment issues. If your adoption was within the United States, you have a 76% chance of having attachment issues. That is a lot to swallow! So, in my eyes when we adoptive parents need a shoulder to cry on or need to talk to someone, I don't ever see it as a negative thing or like we are complaining. This is a very difficult situation to handle and you are better of talking to someone over taking it out on the child. God knows that there are enough times He has had to control me from that. Sorry if that offends any of you, but any of you in this situation know what I mean. I am a very honest person, so if you read my blog, you will have to understand that.
So far I have been really mellow on what I have written because I am still "testing the waters with my readers." Hopefully the few of you that have started out with me will stick with me, and God-willing we will get more readers! I would love to get more dialogue going! Usually I am not this much of a downer! I am just having a tough day. So stick with me!
Please, I would love to hear some of your stories out there. Again, not that I want anyone to be hurting, but I know you are out there, so please, join in with us and share! =)
Today I am really hurting and feeling very isolated. I know that Isabella feels the same way, but it is hard to see that when I have felt stuck for so long, and, okay, yes, I am saying the wrong thing here, but I feel like she is the cause. I'm sure a lot of experts would say I can't see her side and start to heal until I stop feeling sorry for myself. But, man it hurts when you have someone in your home for 5-1/2 years who does so much to hurt you. I know, too, it supposedly is not personal, but my entire life with children has been about "this adoption problem."
Again, I need to say that I know it is not Isabella as a person who is causing this. I know she was wounded and hurt as a baby, and she is just reacting to what she knows. But, there is that logic center in me (I am way too logical of a person for this problem, I feel, because I can't see past this) that says, after 5-1/2 years, don't you know I love you, and don't you trust me enough to know I won't throw you away by now? That is where I have such an issue.
Not only that, but Isabella starts doing "crazy making" things so often. That is when I get really upset. That is the part I do not understand. She seems to do it many times without cause and provocation.
I thought it would make me feel better to find out that so many other children with Reactive Attachment Disorder do the same thing. This comes mostly from the information I re-learned last weekend talking and listening to other adoptive parents. It was a wonderful event, and I am so glad I went. I was thinking and hoping it would make me more understanding and patient toward Isabella. But, for some reason it didn't change anything. I am very sad for that. I feel so stuck.
I think it is because I do have a change of heart quite frequently. Every few days I wake up and decide "let's try this again!" Then, that is when it all starts all over again with her antics..........
I apologize to my readers if it sounds as though I am just complaining. But, any of you out there who are going through similar situations know there are a lot of times you feel so alone and just need someone to "talk" to or you just have to vent. Living with a child who has R.A.D. is A LOT to deal with. Especially if you are the mother. You mom's know what I mean! I do talk to my husband about it, and we do have a good relationship. But, when it comes to Isabella, it is difficult. He never sees it as dire as a problem as I do. That just makes me feel even more alone and isolated. That is what triggered today's feelings of being so low. I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't quite get it. He says he does and can put himself in my shoes, but he just doesn't act like it. I guess I know how upset I am about the situation on many days, but I have no one else in the world who is as upset as I am.
I have thought about if roles were reversed, and if I could understand how he felt. I know it would be hard, but, I don't know, maybe I could understand, maybe I couldn't. Sometimes I just feel like I would try harder, or show it more. Maybe that is the problem more. He doesn't show it to me. I know men have a problem with that.
I don't want to throw him under the bus either. It is just sooo frustrating when I feel like I am beating my head against the wall, and all I want is for someone to understand!!! That is all I feel like I want right now. Someone to say, "ya, you put up with a lot.... it is hard.... I know.... I see it... I see what happens..." Or, if any of you out there are going through something similar, I would much appreciate to hear from you. It's nice to know from someone who has or is going through this, that it is going to be okay.
The sad thing is, if you have done a forein adoption, you have a 99% chance of your child(ren) ending up with attchment issues. If your adoption was within the United States, you have a 76% chance of having attachment issues. That is a lot to swallow! So, in my eyes when we adoptive parents need a shoulder to cry on or need to talk to someone, I don't ever see it as a negative thing or like we are complaining. This is a very difficult situation to handle and you are better of talking to someone over taking it out on the child. God knows that there are enough times He has had to control me from that. Sorry if that offends any of you, but any of you in this situation know what I mean. I am a very honest person, so if you read my blog, you will have to understand that.
So far I have been really mellow on what I have written because I am still "testing the waters with my readers." Hopefully the few of you that have started out with me will stick with me, and God-willing we will get more readers! I would love to get more dialogue going! Usually I am not this much of a downer! I am just having a tough day. So stick with me!
Please, I would love to hear some of your stories out there. Again, not that I want anyone to be hurting, but I know you are out there, so please, join in with us and share! =)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
The Birthday Party
Okay, so I decided I couldn't just stay with the idea of only telling the back story of the adoption, or the story from the beginning, and not tell any of what is going on currently. So, this story is from today...
I was glad to find out recently that I wasn't the only adoptive parent who was having "crazy-making" things happening to them! Not that I want others to be going through any of the heart-break that I am, but I know that others are, so I was thanking God that we could comrade together so that none of us feel so isolated and alone. I know that is how I felt for soooo long. So isolated and so alone. It is terrible to feel that way. I am just now starting to come out of that cocoon and trust people with our stories little by little. At first when I told people about what things Isabella was doing, I got so many people telling me I must be imagining things, I must be crazy, I saw it wrong, she's too sweet to do anything like that, and so many more things that just drew me further into a hole!
A good example of what I am talking about was today's events. I warned Isabella last evening that I was going to need her help today to get ready for her sister Ava's birthday party. Ava just turned 5 and it was her first party that we had with friends her age. Prior to that it had just been family at her party's. So, it was a very special party for all of us. But, quietly Isabella wanted to sabotage it because it wasn't her special day. So, EVERYTHING I asked Isabella to do from the moment we awoke until Ava's friends arrived at 2:00pm she did the opposite of. And when I would ask her what she was doing, she would just stare at me or say, "what do you mean?". I mean all of you out there know how much work it is to get ready for a birthday party; clean the house, decorations, cake, food, drink, crafts and activities and so much more! Even after Ava's friends were over I would ask Isabella for something so easy and she would say okay and just not do it just to see me get upset in front of Ava's friends. All day she was an angel for everyone else, but she was doing everything she could to upset me because she knew it was a day that was special. I was looking forward to it as well, because I was so happy for Ava. That is the stuff that kids like Isabella thrive on because they love to push the buttons of their mother and do anything they can to provoke them on a day they know is special. Or, at least that is Isabella's area of expertise; along with many other things!
Then I have family members who tell me this is typical kid stuff! Ha! Never! Not when this is coupled with everything else that happens around our house (Isabella hiding my stuff all the time, hurting her sisters at times, lying CONSTANTLY, the list goes on and on). I am not trying to throw Isabella under the bus. I know she didn't get the love she needed as a baby/ child. But, it is also very difficult when I have been her mother for 5 1/2 years and things are the same if not worse. And, she told me close to two weeks ago now that she likes to see me hurting! What am I supposed to do with that?!?! As her mother, someone who loves her and has tried so hard, what do I do now? It makes it very difficult to keep giving to a person who likes to see you hurt! That is like staying in an abusive relationship with a man. Not that woman don't do that sometimes. I made that mistake with a boyfriend about 16years ago. Whoah, that just made me feel really old!
Okay, I need to stop having a pity party for myself.
Do any of you out there have any stories you want to share about tough times you have been having? Or, anything else that you want to share is great, too!
I was glad to find out recently that I wasn't the only adoptive parent who was having "crazy-making" things happening to them! Not that I want others to be going through any of the heart-break that I am, but I know that others are, so I was thanking God that we could comrade together so that none of us feel so isolated and alone. I know that is how I felt for soooo long. So isolated and so alone. It is terrible to feel that way. I am just now starting to come out of that cocoon and trust people with our stories little by little. At first when I told people about what things Isabella was doing, I got so many people telling me I must be imagining things, I must be crazy, I saw it wrong, she's too sweet to do anything like that, and so many more things that just drew me further into a hole!
A good example of what I am talking about was today's events. I warned Isabella last evening that I was going to need her help today to get ready for her sister Ava's birthday party. Ava just turned 5 and it was her first party that we had with friends her age. Prior to that it had just been family at her party's. So, it was a very special party for all of us. But, quietly Isabella wanted to sabotage it because it wasn't her special day. So, EVERYTHING I asked Isabella to do from the moment we awoke until Ava's friends arrived at 2:00pm she did the opposite of. And when I would ask her what she was doing, she would just stare at me or say, "what do you mean?". I mean all of you out there know how much work it is to get ready for a birthday party; clean the house, decorations, cake, food, drink, crafts and activities and so much more! Even after Ava's friends were over I would ask Isabella for something so easy and she would say okay and just not do it just to see me get upset in front of Ava's friends. All day she was an angel for everyone else, but she was doing everything she could to upset me because she knew it was a day that was special. I was looking forward to it as well, because I was so happy for Ava. That is the stuff that kids like Isabella thrive on because they love to push the buttons of their mother and do anything they can to provoke them on a day they know is special. Or, at least that is Isabella's area of expertise; along with many other things!
Then I have family members who tell me this is typical kid stuff! Ha! Never! Not when this is coupled with everything else that happens around our house (Isabella hiding my stuff all the time, hurting her sisters at times, lying CONSTANTLY, the list goes on and on). I am not trying to throw Isabella under the bus. I know she didn't get the love she needed as a baby/ child. But, it is also very difficult when I have been her mother for 5 1/2 years and things are the same if not worse. And, she told me close to two weeks ago now that she likes to see me hurting! What am I supposed to do with that?!?! As her mother, someone who loves her and has tried so hard, what do I do now? It makes it very difficult to keep giving to a person who likes to see you hurt! That is like staying in an abusive relationship with a man. Not that woman don't do that sometimes. I made that mistake with a boyfriend about 16years ago. Whoah, that just made me feel really old!
Okay, I need to stop having a pity party for myself.
Do any of you out there have any stories you want to share about tough times you have been having? Or, anything else that you want to share is great, too!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
At home... finally
So, once we were back at home with Isabella, we were pretty relieved to say the least! It isn't the easiest to travel with a child who doesn't seem to like you or want anything to do with you. But, that ended up being the least of our problems... being that I was 5 months pregnant, I got EXTREMELY ILL on the plane ride home (motion-sickness). I couldn't stop vomiting (hope you readers don't have weak stomachs, sorry!). I was so thankful to be home. I just wanted to go to bed, yet, I felt like I was supposed to be this super-mom and make Isabella feel comfortable and happy, etc. So, the guilt was already setting in (this guilt-thing is a common theme for me with regard to being a mom).
I remember getting into our home with her and she froze at the bottom of our stairs (right inside the house). We couldn't get her to go upstairs, we couldn't carry her because she started becoming physical, no one could go anywhere for quite some time until she was ready to move. We still to this day, 5-1/2 years later have no idea what happened that day.
Things then went decent for a week, and then, as planned, and told to Isabella in Russian before leaving Russia, Mike had to leave for 3 weeks for work. (I should state that when we adopted Isabella, she did not know one word of English)! During that time, Isabella and I were inseparable. She slept with me, and we did everything together. I hadn't put her in school yet. I waited until toward the end of the time Mike was gone. So, I was teaching her English and hanging out with her constantly. Isabella started school about 3 weeks after we got home (so 2 weeks into the time Mike was gone).
Then, when Mike came home she treated him like the plague! He interrupted what we had, so she was upset! I still spent the same amount of time with her, she just had to share me. To this day, she admits she does not do well with two adults at the same time. She prefers to only have the company of one adult. With one, she will usually chat and be more personable. With both Mike and I around, she RARELY talks. When we talk to her together, she clams up, talks very quiet, or barely answers.
This is another thing that has been her m.o. since she has been here. She talks so that she is barely audible, but then she will say something like, "It sounds to me like I am talking loud enough." Hmmm, that's pretty smart!
I thought our hardest part after Isabella came home with us was going to be teaching her English. That happened to be the easiest part! Isabella learned English very quickly. She was also in ESL at school.
From the day the adoption was final to the day I delivered Ava, was exactly 4 months. So, this was a lot of changes in a very short amount of time.
Mike and I got a lot of flak from our family about this. They said, in not so many words(and some of them came out and said it, too), that maybe things wouldn't be so bad with Isabella if I wouldn't have had a baby right away. Then, when I got pregnant again right away, guess what, more flak... and again with Lexi. How can anyone say anything negative when it's about a baby being born? Isabella had sisters in Russia that she left behind and she was very upset about it. So, I thought, what a blessing that we had all girls. It was almost like new sisters for her after losing her other sisters from Russia. That's why I couldn't believe when family actually put a negative light on it.
Do any of you battle with your family on issues with your adopted child(ren)?
We also had a lot of problems when we told our families that we were told that all gifts would need to go through us and we weren't going to allow sleep-overs anymore or long outings because we hadn't formed a good attachment from the beginning (because we didn't know how). Once we were told what to do, and that we had to pull Isabella back close to us and not allow our family in between us, they got very upset and did not respect our ideas very much. For some reason, they thought they knew better than we did even though they had never adopted. Hmmmm.... That was difficult to digest.
Isabella still has confusion, I think, when it comes to her loyalty and where she should get all of her love, food and needs met from. Unfortunately she has had teachers who have stepped in and gotten too close; by being friendly. For example: Isabella will go to class crying because she can't get an assignment done(interpretation: hasn't felt like doing it and the crying works, so hey, why not!), or something to that effect, and teachers always fall for it. Then, they feel sorry for her, they build a bond that mom and dad don't see happening, and it goes too far. Then, when mom makes a call to the teacher about something unrelated at a later time, or a conference comes up, and this relationshp becomes apparent. Isabella makes it a point to build bonds with ADULTS (not kids), at school, mostly. She gets her needs met this way. Sadly, it seriously stunts mom and dad's relationship with her. The more she knows it bothers us, the more she does it! This is another thing that has made me feel like a horrible mother. I'll try to go to these teachers to talk to them about RAD, etc, and tell them what we are up against. And, they think I am completely off my rocker to think there is anything wrong with Isabella! They tell me how great and charming she is, what a great student she is, how nice she is, etc. As if I am only saying negative things about my own daughter and they think if they don't stick up for her, no one will! It's terrible! This was another reason why I kept to myself for several years and didn't open up and talk about this. Every adult, it seemed, I tried to confide in, I got told I was so wrong about my daughter! As if, first, I was saying what a horrible little girl she was (I'm not), and that they needed to stick up for MY daughter! Who's child is she?!?! I know I can't seclude myself anymore. I've realized now this is unhealthy, and we adoptive parents need to stick together and be able to talk and be there for each other! If there are others of you out there who haven't reached out yet to talk, try taking the step today. We are here for you. I know I am. I won't judge you. Trust me when I say my story is a lot uglier than I have gotten into thus far... being alone is no fun! I spent years there!
Kristina
I remember getting into our home with her and she froze at the bottom of our stairs (right inside the house). We couldn't get her to go upstairs, we couldn't carry her because she started becoming physical, no one could go anywhere for quite some time until she was ready to move. We still to this day, 5-1/2 years later have no idea what happened that day.
Things then went decent for a week, and then, as planned, and told to Isabella in Russian before leaving Russia, Mike had to leave for 3 weeks for work. (I should state that when we adopted Isabella, she did not know one word of English)! During that time, Isabella and I were inseparable. She slept with me, and we did everything together. I hadn't put her in school yet. I waited until toward the end of the time Mike was gone. So, I was teaching her English and hanging out with her constantly. Isabella started school about 3 weeks after we got home (so 2 weeks into the time Mike was gone).
Then, when Mike came home she treated him like the plague! He interrupted what we had, so she was upset! I still spent the same amount of time with her, she just had to share me. To this day, she admits she does not do well with two adults at the same time. She prefers to only have the company of one adult. With one, she will usually chat and be more personable. With both Mike and I around, she RARELY talks. When we talk to her together, she clams up, talks very quiet, or barely answers.
This is another thing that has been her m.o. since she has been here. She talks so that she is barely audible, but then she will say something like, "It sounds to me like I am talking loud enough." Hmmm, that's pretty smart!
I thought our hardest part after Isabella came home with us was going to be teaching her English. That happened to be the easiest part! Isabella learned English very quickly. She was also in ESL at school.
From the day the adoption was final to the day I delivered Ava, was exactly 4 months. So, this was a lot of changes in a very short amount of time.
Mike and I got a lot of flak from our family about this. They said, in not so many words(and some of them came out and said it, too), that maybe things wouldn't be so bad with Isabella if I wouldn't have had a baby right away. Then, when I got pregnant again right away, guess what, more flak... and again with Lexi. How can anyone say anything negative when it's about a baby being born? Isabella had sisters in Russia that she left behind and she was very upset about it. So, I thought, what a blessing that we had all girls. It was almost like new sisters for her after losing her other sisters from Russia. That's why I couldn't believe when family actually put a negative light on it.
Do any of you battle with your family on issues with your adopted child(ren)?
We also had a lot of problems when we told our families that we were told that all gifts would need to go through us and we weren't going to allow sleep-overs anymore or long outings because we hadn't formed a good attachment from the beginning (because we didn't know how). Once we were told what to do, and that we had to pull Isabella back close to us and not allow our family in between us, they got very upset and did not respect our ideas very much. For some reason, they thought they knew better than we did even though they had never adopted. Hmmmm.... That was difficult to digest.
Isabella still has confusion, I think, when it comes to her loyalty and where she should get all of her love, food and needs met from. Unfortunately she has had teachers who have stepped in and gotten too close; by being friendly. For example: Isabella will go to class crying because she can't get an assignment done(interpretation: hasn't felt like doing it and the crying works, so hey, why not!), or something to that effect, and teachers always fall for it. Then, they feel sorry for her, they build a bond that mom and dad don't see happening, and it goes too far. Then, when mom makes a call to the teacher about something unrelated at a later time, or a conference comes up, and this relationshp becomes apparent. Isabella makes it a point to build bonds with ADULTS (not kids), at school, mostly. She gets her needs met this way. Sadly, it seriously stunts mom and dad's relationship with her. The more she knows it bothers us, the more she does it! This is another thing that has made me feel like a horrible mother. I'll try to go to these teachers to talk to them about RAD, etc, and tell them what we are up against. And, they think I am completely off my rocker to think there is anything wrong with Isabella! They tell me how great and charming she is, what a great student she is, how nice she is, etc. As if I am only saying negative things about my own daughter and they think if they don't stick up for her, no one will! It's terrible! This was another reason why I kept to myself for several years and didn't open up and talk about this. Every adult, it seemed, I tried to confide in, I got told I was so wrong about my daughter! As if, first, I was saying what a horrible little girl she was (I'm not), and that they needed to stick up for MY daughter! Who's child is she?!?! I know I can't seclude myself anymore. I've realized now this is unhealthy, and we adoptive parents need to stick together and be able to talk and be there for each other! If there are others of you out there who haven't reached out yet to talk, try taking the step today. We are here for you. I know I am. I won't judge you. Trust me when I say my story is a lot uglier than I have gotten into thus far... being alone is no fun! I spent years there!
Kristina
Name Change
Okay, change of heart...
I have decided to state the names of my children. For one, I will probably slip at one point soon as I am typing anyways. Two, I realize, if someone wants to, they can find out easy enough. So, it is my job as a parent to keep them safe and stating their names probably won't change anything...
If you are a Christian, please pray I am not making a mistake.
Isabella is our oldest and adopted daughter at 13-years-old.
Ava is our next oldest and just turned 5.
Kenzington is next, but we call her Diti, so that is how I will refer to her from now on. She is 3.
Alexis is the baby. She is 2. We call her Lexi or Lexilee, so you will see me call her one of the two from now on.
I have a lot of trust issues with my children because when I was a child I was sexually assaulted and molested by 3 different men (all different situations). So, now that I have 4 girls, there is an unimaginable burden I feel to keep them safe. We have NEVER used a babysitter with them, except Grandma, Grandpa or Aunt. I know there are more people like me out there because I have met them. I know I have to trust people, and I am learning. We did recently interview a babysitter that I liked, but we just haven't had an occassion to need her yet. Is it me just stalling? Maybe...
So, that's that. There are my angels real name's.
Are there any other mom's out there that are as scared as I am? It's hard to let the most precious things to us go! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thank God every night for giving me such precious gifts!
Kristina
I have decided to state the names of my children. For one, I will probably slip at one point soon as I am typing anyways. Two, I realize, if someone wants to, they can find out easy enough. So, it is my job as a parent to keep them safe and stating their names probably won't change anything...
If you are a Christian, please pray I am not making a mistake.
Isabella is our oldest and adopted daughter at 13-years-old.
Ava is our next oldest and just turned 5.
Kenzington is next, but we call her Diti, so that is how I will refer to her from now on. She is 3.
Alexis is the baby. She is 2. We call her Lexi or Lexilee, so you will see me call her one of the two from now on.
I have a lot of trust issues with my children because when I was a child I was sexually assaulted and molested by 3 different men (all different situations). So, now that I have 4 girls, there is an unimaginable burden I feel to keep them safe. We have NEVER used a babysitter with them, except Grandma, Grandpa or Aunt. I know there are more people like me out there because I have met them. I know I have to trust people, and I am learning. We did recently interview a babysitter that I liked, but we just haven't had an occassion to need her yet. Is it me just stalling? Maybe...
So, that's that. There are my angels real name's.
Are there any other mom's out there that are as scared as I am? It's hard to let the most precious things to us go! But, I wouldn't have it any other way. I thank God every night for giving me such precious gifts!
Kristina
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
At the Orphanage... The pick-up
So, here it goes... What I thought was going to be one of the happiest days in my life, somewhat like having a baby, turned into something a little different. We went to the orphanage to pick up *Kallie and after all of the red tape was done and she said "good-bye" to the couple of staff members, we started on our way. It did not seem like a happy day for Kallie! She was sooo upset! We also rode back from the orphanage to Moscow with two other families who adopted a child, and those two children seemed fine and calm. Kallie, however, was hysterical for hours!! Mike nor I knew what to do! She was completely inconsolable! If someone happened upon the scene and didn't know what had transpired already that day, they would have thought we kidnapped Kallie! It was awful! I just held her. She didn't want anything to do with Mike at that point. We asked the adoption counter-part from Russia who spoke Russian and English to ask her a few questions, but Kallie wouldn't talk at all. (Kallie didn't speak a word of English at this point). After several hours, her crying finally ceased. It wasn't like she calmed down, though. It was only that she wore herself out! I know we were worn out!
Shortly thereafter we all reached our hotel in Moscow. Everyone was hungry as we had been traveling all day and hadn't really stopped to eat. The restaurant we went to at the hotel had the menu in both English and Russian. Thank God. We were motioning to Kallie asking what she wanted to eat. She wasn't hungry.
How was I supposed to take care of my new daughter if she wouldn't eat? She was so tiny! She only weighed 38lbs at that time! And she was 8-years-old! She needed to eat! We were so worried about her.
Little did we know this would become one of our biggest battles and power struggles to come in the near future. We should have just left well enough alone. The same thing ended up happening the next morning when she didn't want to eat before we left for the airport. Along with many other times to come... my husband and I wanted her to eat because she needed to grow and was mal-nutritioned. She saw it as a power-struggle and like us trying to make her do something she didn't want to. So, she didn't do it. That upset us. That was one of our #1 problems (at first). We fell hook-line-and sinker right into that problem. New parents right here!! Did not know what we were doing so when presented by a power-struggle, we ran right into it and got very frustrated with her and kept fighting and fighting and trying to win (and thought we could).
Has that happened to any of you out there? It was really hard, especially becoming the insta-parents of an older child who already had tricks up her sleeve, but we were still learning so much so fast!
Let's hear from some of you out there who have maybe lived through similar situations. What have you done when this type of thing has happened?
Are others of you going through older-child adoption issues, or where do your issues stem from?
I can't wait to hear from others out there!
Shortly thereafter we all reached our hotel in Moscow. Everyone was hungry as we had been traveling all day and hadn't really stopped to eat. The restaurant we went to at the hotel had the menu in both English and Russian. Thank God. We were motioning to Kallie asking what she wanted to eat. She wasn't hungry.
How was I supposed to take care of my new daughter if she wouldn't eat? She was so tiny! She only weighed 38lbs at that time! And she was 8-years-old! She needed to eat! We were so worried about her.
Little did we know this would become one of our biggest battles and power struggles to come in the near future. We should have just left well enough alone. The same thing ended up happening the next morning when she didn't want to eat before we left for the airport. Along with many other times to come... my husband and I wanted her to eat because she needed to grow and was mal-nutritioned. She saw it as a power-struggle and like us trying to make her do something she didn't want to. So, she didn't do it. That upset us. That was one of our #1 problems (at first). We fell hook-line-and sinker right into that problem. New parents right here!! Did not know what we were doing so when presented by a power-struggle, we ran right into it and got very frustrated with her and kept fighting and fighting and trying to win (and thought we could).
Has that happened to any of you out there? It was really hard, especially becoming the insta-parents of an older child who already had tricks up her sleeve, but we were still learning so much so fast!
Let's hear from some of you out there who have maybe lived through similar situations. What have you done when this type of thing has happened?
Are others of you going through older-child adoption issues, or where do your issues stem from?
I can't wait to hear from others out there!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Adoption... The Court Hearing
So now my husband and I knew which child we were going to adopt. Or rather, the adoption agency knew exactly which child we were going to adopt, and we just knew a name at this point. I remember my emotions ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute I was elated and the next scared out of my mind!! Not only had I never had children, but I was also pregnant and was going to be flying to Russia twice; another country and a place I had never been.
I was told several things regarding the Russian judge and how he might not think too kindly of me because I was already pregnant and adopting another child (we were told they usually only have one child per family in their country). So, for the first trip I was told to hide the pregnancy and to continue to do so.
The second trip was the actual adoption via showing up for court in front of a Russian judge. When we got there for that trip the idea of hiding the pregnancy was re-thought by the adoption agency. They decided it was probably going to be okay if we told the judge the truth. It was translated by the adoption agency counter-part in Russia that I was pregnant and the judge was okay with it.
I was so terrified he would not okay the adoption because of the baby, however.
It all worked out, though, and we were proud, happy new parents!
At the time, I remember, we were with two other adoptive families and one had already adopted several times from Russia. They knew the drill, obviously. Each family (couple) goes into court separately, and the adoption agency translator is already in there along with the judge and the court reporter. A bunch of things are said in Russian, a few questions are asked of us, we answered, more things are said in Russian, we were nodded at and sent out of the room.
It was not at all like I pictured it to be. Our child was never there. She was still at the orphanage the entire time. When we left the court room, I still didn't know if the adoption was granted to us or not. I had to ask the family who had been through the process several times if we were new parents or not. They asked us if we heard a particular phrase in Russian said. I told them, "yes, I think." And they told us congratulations we were new parents! It was so weird that no one in Russia seemed happy for us at all! It was just another day in court to them! Very strange! Russians are a very stoic people, too. In America we are the opposite! It is the beginning of a life and a new family no matter the age at which you adopt the child! It is a joyous occasion!
The biggest feeling for me at this point was relief because I was sooo worried if the adoption was going to go through or not. We were prepped that the adoption may not go through due to the pregnancy, and when I couldn't understand anything that was being said during the court hearing, I was really scared! I felt so much relief and felt so calm at this point, I was ready to go pick up my daughter!
The first trip we met and visited with her went a little different than I had expected and hoped for, but I still couldn't wait to go get my little girl! That trip when we met Kallie, I felt like she connected with my husband but not really with me. It really hurt me and I was a little worried we wouldn't connect, but I figured I just needed to give the relationship time.
I remember from the first trip that all she wanted to do was play with my husband. I was really happy for them, but it was hard on me because being pregnant I couldn't physically play the same way they were playing. For some reason I thought we would be adopting this child who would so desperately want a mother-figure and would glom onto me and want hugs and cuddles and such. But, it was nothing like that. All she wanted was to be played with. She wanted nothing to do with being cuddled. And, when I tried to play with her, she didn't seem to want anything to do with me or the way I could play with her so she would go back to my husband. It was really hurtful. I wanted her to want a mother but she just wanted a play-mate. I know it shouldn't have been about me, but I guess I had inflated expectations. As I'm sure others of you out there know, we can't ignore our own feelings as the parents.
I'm sure I was more sensitive from being pregnant. But, I also know I had a ton of ideas in my head of what this adoption was going to be like and certain expectations, and all of my ideas in my head were failing! My dream was already wavering. I was getting a tad worried already. But, I put all that aside knowing I had only just met her once. Did any of this mean anything?
I knew that when I had to leave her at the orphanage between the first and second visit it was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever had to do. It tore my heart out. I had to leave my beautiful baby with someone else whom I didn't even know. Was I going to see her again? What if they didn't let us get her next time? What if this was just a game and now they got our money but they wouldn't let us have our daughter? I cried sooo hard at the hotel that night before we left to go back to the States. How could I leave my baby in another country? It tore me up!
It got even more tumultuous when we picked up *Kallie after the adoption when it should have been one of the happiest days of our lives!
Stay tuned for that story next....
I was told several things regarding the Russian judge and how he might not think too kindly of me because I was already pregnant and adopting another child (we were told they usually only have one child per family in their country). So, for the first trip I was told to hide the pregnancy and to continue to do so.
The second trip was the actual adoption via showing up for court in front of a Russian judge. When we got there for that trip the idea of hiding the pregnancy was re-thought by the adoption agency. They decided it was probably going to be okay if we told the judge the truth. It was translated by the adoption agency counter-part in Russia that I was pregnant and the judge was okay with it.
I was so terrified he would not okay the adoption because of the baby, however.
It all worked out, though, and we were proud, happy new parents!
At the time, I remember, we were with two other adoptive families and one had already adopted several times from Russia. They knew the drill, obviously. Each family (couple) goes into court separately, and the adoption agency translator is already in there along with the judge and the court reporter. A bunch of things are said in Russian, a few questions are asked of us, we answered, more things are said in Russian, we were nodded at and sent out of the room.
It was not at all like I pictured it to be. Our child was never there. She was still at the orphanage the entire time. When we left the court room, I still didn't know if the adoption was granted to us or not. I had to ask the family who had been through the process several times if we were new parents or not. They asked us if we heard a particular phrase in Russian said. I told them, "yes, I think." And they told us congratulations we were new parents! It was so weird that no one in Russia seemed happy for us at all! It was just another day in court to them! Very strange! Russians are a very stoic people, too. In America we are the opposite! It is the beginning of a life and a new family no matter the age at which you adopt the child! It is a joyous occasion!
The biggest feeling for me at this point was relief because I was sooo worried if the adoption was going to go through or not. We were prepped that the adoption may not go through due to the pregnancy, and when I couldn't understand anything that was being said during the court hearing, I was really scared! I felt so much relief and felt so calm at this point, I was ready to go pick up my daughter!
The first trip we met and visited with her went a little different than I had expected and hoped for, but I still couldn't wait to go get my little girl! That trip when we met Kallie, I felt like she connected with my husband but not really with me. It really hurt me and I was a little worried we wouldn't connect, but I figured I just needed to give the relationship time.
I remember from the first trip that all she wanted to do was play with my husband. I was really happy for them, but it was hard on me because being pregnant I couldn't physically play the same way they were playing. For some reason I thought we would be adopting this child who would so desperately want a mother-figure and would glom onto me and want hugs and cuddles and such. But, it was nothing like that. All she wanted was to be played with. She wanted nothing to do with being cuddled. And, when I tried to play with her, she didn't seem to want anything to do with me or the way I could play with her so she would go back to my husband. It was really hurtful. I wanted her to want a mother but she just wanted a play-mate. I know it shouldn't have been about me, but I guess I had inflated expectations. As I'm sure others of you out there know, we can't ignore our own feelings as the parents.
I'm sure I was more sensitive from being pregnant. But, I also know I had a ton of ideas in my head of what this adoption was going to be like and certain expectations, and all of my ideas in my head were failing! My dream was already wavering. I was getting a tad worried already. But, I put all that aside knowing I had only just met her once. Did any of this mean anything?
I knew that when I had to leave her at the orphanage between the first and second visit it was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever had to do. It tore my heart out. I had to leave my beautiful baby with someone else whom I didn't even know. Was I going to see her again? What if they didn't let us get her next time? What if this was just a game and now they got our money but they wouldn't let us have our daughter? I cried sooo hard at the hotel that night before we left to go back to the States. How could I leave my baby in another country? It tore me up!
It got even more tumultuous when we picked up *Kallie after the adoption when it should have been one of the happiest days of our lives!
Stay tuned for that story next....
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Adoption... Before Mom and Dad Knew ANYTHING!
How many of you out there feel alone and isolated from the effects of an adoption (for example due to the effects of Reactive Attachment Disorder)? There are so many parts and pieces of an adoption that can cause a person (usually one or both of the parents, and more-so the mother) to feel this way. It is very painful and can make a person, usually the parent(s) start to question who they are as a person, and can challenge one's self-esteem, especially the longer it goes on.
That is what has been happening to me for over five years now.
We currently have four children; 3 biological and one adopted. My husband and I had been married for almost a year when we decided to try and start having children.
I will be talking about infertility in another segment, but we dealt with that for 5-1/2 years before any children came along, which was VERY painful (as any of you know who are going through that, or have been through it).
After a couple of miscarriages we decided to adopt. My husband had always wanted to adopt, and I was neither opposed nor totally for it at first. At the time I worked in the field of child protection, so I knew how many children needed a wonderful, loving home. I wanted to be able to help children more than anything, and give a loving home to one or more children, but I also knew at some point in the future I had to have a child biologically. It was something I had felt deep within me for a long time along with wanting to adopt.
As a couple, several years later and a couple of miscarriages later, we decided to adopt. We now know this as the pivotal point in our relationship; not only as a couple, but to our future family. This has taught us more than we ever thought we could and would know about so many facets of our lives, along with turning our world upside-down on a daily and sometime hourly or minute-by-minute basis.
*I will be changing the first names of my children to protect their identity*
My husband and I adopted *Kallie one week prior to her eighth birthday in the Fall of 2004. I should preface with a few facts first. Hmmmmm..... where to start...........
Once we finally decided to adopt, my body finally got in gear to have kids and also got pregnant. Ever hear of that happening? Almost everyone seems to know someone that has happened to! Also, this was an overseas/ International Adoption from Russia. So while I was pregnant, we were rushing through the adoption as quickly as we could so we could get home with our precious new child prior to me not being able to fly in the last trimester of my pregnancy. Through all of this, however, little did we know that the nightmare was already starting.
We went through a small agency because they were less money (still very expensive as adoptive parent(s) know), they could get us through the process more quickly, there were no classes we needed to take and very little "red-tape." So, the nightmare wasn't happening at this point with *Kallie, we just didn't know any better as new parents, especially as new adoptive parents, so we were so happy they were getting us through this so quickly so we could get home so fast!! In hind-sight there are so many things I know now and would tell someone who is adopting a child; ESPECIALLY an older-child.
Rushing it was definitely our first and biggest mistake. Because we were in a rush and the agency knew that, they took full advantage of that and rushed us through without trying to match us with the right child, connect us up with any classes or other helpful information (other families who have adopted, etc.); anything that would or could have prepared us as to what was to come. That was the most disappointing part is that I feel preyed upon. Especially when it came to us writing our "letter of intent" as to what we wanted for our child(ren).
Now, I know to many of you this sounds very wrong. It did to me too. But, here it is. All it means is you tell them how many children you want, the sex (I know, playing God a bit), the age(s) and if you will accept a special needs child, etc. Now, my husband and I weren't very specific. We did originally ask for two children (we didn't know I was pregnant at the time of writing the letter), and asked that they be no older than four years of age, I believe. We were told even when you write the letter with the parameters, nothing was written in stone. Not long after we wrote this letter, my husband was away on business and he called me from New York with wonderful news! The adoption agency had called him and told him about a little girl who was "about eight-years-old" and it was "her last chance to be adopted." What?! What did that mean? Here I was several months pregnant, emotional beyond belief, elated to finally have babies and children, oh, and they told us that we should only adopt one child now and not two because we were pregnant. Okay, this was a lot of information to process.
After getting more information, it meant that *Kallie was getting too old to be at the orphanage that she was in so she would be getting moved to another orphanage if we, specifically, didn't adopt her. No one else was on the horizon to adopt her so we were her last chance! It was us or she would be shipped to this "other orphanage" and "never be adopted." How heartbreaking was this information for anyone to hear?! Of course we would adopt her. God must have meant this child for us because otherwise she would be left alone and not adopted like so many kids I saw every day as a Social Worker. I couldn't see another child go through this. It was settled. This was our child! My husband and I agreed almost immediately. Sure, this child was twice the age we originally thought we could handle and it was only one versus two children. But, this must be a sign from God. Right?....
We were so in the dark we didn't even know it. We didn't know what questions to ask or what to prepare for. Other adoption agencies told the parent(s) how to prepare for the child(ren), but we were told nothing as far as that goes. And from the standpoint of information coming from Russia regarding *Kallie's background, there was no mention to us of any problems she could have, they had no background or family history, or otherwise on her.
At this point we were in complete bliss! After being infertile for 5-1/2 years, we were now going to have two children very soon! As a mother, I could not contain myself! My life was now going to be complete! This was all I ever wanted. Even though I had a wonderful job (which I had now quit and was just working in the family business to fill in the time until the adoption was complete so I could become a full-time mom) and had half my classes completed for my Master's in Counseling and Psychology, I felt like I was more or less doing those things to fill my time until I could be a mom! My dream was coming true! Here was my time........... finally. Or was it?
There are so many more things to say about this topic, and I will. But, I want to start getting your feedback on how your adoptions are going (or not going) out there. I haven't even gotten to the point of when we got home alltogether yet with *Kallie. So, obviously this is a long story with many parts and pieces. But, like I said, I really want to hear from you, too, because this can be such an isolated world out here. Let's start talking to make each other feel not so alone!
That is what has been happening to me for over five years now.
We currently have four children; 3 biological and one adopted. My husband and I had been married for almost a year when we decided to try and start having children.
I will be talking about infertility in another segment, but we dealt with that for 5-1/2 years before any children came along, which was VERY painful (as any of you know who are going through that, or have been through it).
After a couple of miscarriages we decided to adopt. My husband had always wanted to adopt, and I was neither opposed nor totally for it at first. At the time I worked in the field of child protection, so I knew how many children needed a wonderful, loving home. I wanted to be able to help children more than anything, and give a loving home to one or more children, but I also knew at some point in the future I had to have a child biologically. It was something I had felt deep within me for a long time along with wanting to adopt.
As a couple, several years later and a couple of miscarriages later, we decided to adopt. We now know this as the pivotal point in our relationship; not only as a couple, but to our future family. This has taught us more than we ever thought we could and would know about so many facets of our lives, along with turning our world upside-down on a daily and sometime hourly or minute-by-minute basis.
*I will be changing the first names of my children to protect their identity*
My husband and I adopted *Kallie one week prior to her eighth birthday in the Fall of 2004. I should preface with a few facts first. Hmmmmm..... where to start...........
Once we finally decided to adopt, my body finally got in gear to have kids and also got pregnant. Ever hear of that happening? Almost everyone seems to know someone that has happened to! Also, this was an overseas/ International Adoption from Russia. So while I was pregnant, we were rushing through the adoption as quickly as we could so we could get home with our precious new child prior to me not being able to fly in the last trimester of my pregnancy. Through all of this, however, little did we know that the nightmare was already starting.
We went through a small agency because they were less money (still very expensive as adoptive parent(s) know), they could get us through the process more quickly, there were no classes we needed to take and very little "red-tape." So, the nightmare wasn't happening at this point with *Kallie, we just didn't know any better as new parents, especially as new adoptive parents, so we were so happy they were getting us through this so quickly so we could get home so fast!! In hind-sight there are so many things I know now and would tell someone who is adopting a child; ESPECIALLY an older-child.
Rushing it was definitely our first and biggest mistake. Because we were in a rush and the agency knew that, they took full advantage of that and rushed us through without trying to match us with the right child, connect us up with any classes or other helpful information (other families who have adopted, etc.); anything that would or could have prepared us as to what was to come. That was the most disappointing part is that I feel preyed upon. Especially when it came to us writing our "letter of intent" as to what we wanted for our child(ren).
Now, I know to many of you this sounds very wrong. It did to me too. But, here it is. All it means is you tell them how many children you want, the sex (I know, playing God a bit), the age(s) and if you will accept a special needs child, etc. Now, my husband and I weren't very specific. We did originally ask for two children (we didn't know I was pregnant at the time of writing the letter), and asked that they be no older than four years of age, I believe. We were told even when you write the letter with the parameters, nothing was written in stone. Not long after we wrote this letter, my husband was away on business and he called me from New York with wonderful news! The adoption agency had called him and told him about a little girl who was "about eight-years-old" and it was "her last chance to be adopted." What?! What did that mean? Here I was several months pregnant, emotional beyond belief, elated to finally have babies and children, oh, and they told us that we should only adopt one child now and not two because we were pregnant. Okay, this was a lot of information to process.
After getting more information, it meant that *Kallie was getting too old to be at the orphanage that she was in so she would be getting moved to another orphanage if we, specifically, didn't adopt her. No one else was on the horizon to adopt her so we were her last chance! It was us or she would be shipped to this "other orphanage" and "never be adopted." How heartbreaking was this information for anyone to hear?! Of course we would adopt her. God must have meant this child for us because otherwise she would be left alone and not adopted like so many kids I saw every day as a Social Worker. I couldn't see another child go through this. It was settled. This was our child! My husband and I agreed almost immediately. Sure, this child was twice the age we originally thought we could handle and it was only one versus two children. But, this must be a sign from God. Right?....
We were so in the dark we didn't even know it. We didn't know what questions to ask or what to prepare for. Other adoption agencies told the parent(s) how to prepare for the child(ren), but we were told nothing as far as that goes. And from the standpoint of information coming from Russia regarding *Kallie's background, there was no mention to us of any problems she could have, they had no background or family history, or otherwise on her.
At this point we were in complete bliss! After being infertile for 5-1/2 years, we were now going to have two children very soon! As a mother, I could not contain myself! My life was now going to be complete! This was all I ever wanted. Even though I had a wonderful job (which I had now quit and was just working in the family business to fill in the time until the adoption was complete so I could become a full-time mom) and had half my classes completed for my Master's in Counseling and Psychology, I felt like I was more or less doing those things to fill my time until I could be a mom! My dream was coming true! Here was my time........... finally. Or was it?
There are so many more things to say about this topic, and I will. But, I want to start getting your feedback on how your adoptions are going (or not going) out there. I haven't even gotten to the point of when we got home alltogether yet with *Kallie. So, obviously this is a long story with many parts and pieces. But, like I said, I really want to hear from you, too, because this can be such an isolated world out here. Let's start talking to make each other feel not so alone!
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