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Otherwise, thank you so much for coming! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your comments and feedback. I started this blog to help other adoptive parents not to feel as isolated and alone in their feelings, as I did for so many years. With this blog, I hope to bring together the adoptive community as one. This is so we do not feel so alone and judged as we so many times do; even from ourselves. Please stay, relax and enjoy yourself. If at any time you feel judged, please let me know. Again thank you for coming.

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Sunday, March 7, 2010

I am at the end of my rope.......

I am feeling very down in the dumps today about our adoption and what we are going through. I am also feeling very alone and like no one understands. Do any of you feel that way sometimes? I go up and down regarding having hope and if our adoption is going to work out or not. Are we going to have a family with four children or three children? I can't really picture our family without Isabella, but some days I get to the end of my rope.
Today I am really hurting and feeling very isolated. I know that Isabella feels the same way, but it is hard to see that when I have felt stuck for so long, and, okay, yes, I am saying the wrong thing here, but I feel like she is the cause. I'm sure a lot of experts would say I can't see her side and start to heal until I stop feeling sorry for myself. But, man it hurts when you have someone in your home for 5-1/2 years who does so much to hurt you. I know, too, it supposedly is not personal, but my entire life with children has been about "this adoption problem."
Again, I need to say that I know it is not Isabella as a person who is causing this. I know she was wounded and hurt as a baby, and she is just reacting to what she knows. But, there is that logic center in me (I am way too logical of a person for this problem, I feel, because I can't see past this) that says, after 5-1/2 years, don't you know I love you, and don't you trust me enough to know I won't throw you away by now? That is where I have such an issue.
Not only that, but Isabella starts doing "crazy making" things so often. That is when I get really upset. That is the part I do not understand. She seems to do it many times without cause and provocation.
I thought it would make me feel better to find out that so many other children with Reactive Attachment Disorder do the same thing. This comes mostly from the information I re-learned last weekend talking and listening to other adoptive parents. It was a wonderful event, and I am so glad I went. I was thinking and hoping it would make me more understanding and patient toward Isabella. But, for some reason it didn't change anything. I am very sad for that. I feel so stuck.
I think it is because I do have a change of heart quite frequently. Every few days I wake up and decide "let's try this again!" Then, that is when it all starts all over again with her antics..........
I apologize to my readers if it sounds as though I am just complaining. But, any of you out there who are going through similar situations know there are a lot of times you feel so alone and just need someone to "talk" to or you just have to vent. Living with a child who has R.A.D. is A LOT to deal with. Especially if you are the mother. You mom's know what I mean! I do talk to my husband about it, and we do have a good relationship. But, when it comes to Isabella, it is difficult. He never sees it as dire as a problem as I do. That just makes me feel even more alone and isolated. That is what triggered today's feelings of being so low. I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't quite get it. He says he does and can put himself in my shoes, but he just doesn't act like it. I guess I know how upset I am about the situation on many days, but I have no one else in the world who is as upset as I am.
I have thought about if roles were reversed, and if I could understand how he felt. I know it would be hard, but, I don't know, maybe I could understand, maybe I couldn't. Sometimes I just feel like I would try harder, or show it more. Maybe that is the problem more. He doesn't show it to me. I know men have a problem with that.
I don't want to throw him under the bus either. It is just sooo frustrating when I feel like I am beating my head against the wall, and all I want is for someone to understand!!! That is all I feel like I want right now. Someone to say, "ya, you put up with a lot.... it is hard.... I know.... I see it... I see what happens..." Or, if any of you out there are going through something similar, I would much appreciate to hear from you. It's nice to know from someone who has or is going through this, that it is going to be okay.

The sad thing is, if you have done a forein adoption, you have a 99% chance of your child(ren) ending up with attchment issues. If your adoption was within the United States, you have a 76% chance of having attachment issues. That is a lot to swallow! So, in my eyes when we adoptive parents need a shoulder to cry on or need to talk to someone, I don't ever see it as a negative thing or like we are complaining. This is a very difficult situation to handle and you are better of talking to someone over taking it out on the child. God knows that there are enough times He has had to control me from that. Sorry if that offends any of you, but any of you in this situation know what I mean. I am a very honest person, so if you read my blog, you will have to understand that.
So far I have been really mellow on what I have written because I am still "testing the waters with my readers." Hopefully the few of you that have started out with me will stick with me, and God-willing we will get more readers! I would love to get more dialogue going! Usually I am not this much of a downer! I am just having a tough day. So stick with me!
Please, I would love to hear some of your stories out there. Again, not that I want anyone to be hurting, but I know you are out there, so please, join in with us and share! =)

6 comments:

  1. Hello Kristina, I am a fellow adoptive mom of two from Russia. After reading your blog, I thought I'd say hi and introduce myself. We, too, have struggled with R.A.D. with one of our children. I understand your feelings of sadness and also how you feel every morning with giving it another shot. I still feel both of those ways, even today. I don't have any answers, but I can listen and hopefully be an encouragement.

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  2. Thank you, Lisa, so much for your words! First, I appreciate you making me feel "normal." After writing something like that, or even just feeling it, I often feel so guilty! I tell myself I shouldn't feel that way, or, if I do, I shouldn't share it out loud. So, thank you for letting me know it is okay to feel this way! How long ago did you adopt?

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  3. You are welcome! We adopted ten years ago when our biological children were 6, 5, and 2. Our daughter was 8 1/2 and our son was 6 when we brought them home from Russia. Our daughter, who suffers from RAD, chose to live on her own as soon as she turned 18. I came home from taking one of our other kids somewhere and she was gone. She's been on her own for about 9 months now and her life is a shambles. Just yesterday, we set up our first appointment (in April) with an attachment counselor to hopefully get her some help. She really wants this counseling and was the one who pushed for it. This isn't our first attempt at counseling, but we've not seen an attachment specialist before. How about you?

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  4. Thank you so much for posting and being totally honest. I thought I was losing my mind until I started reading the blogs. We adopted 5 years ago and if feels like the older they get the more trouble they try to make for themselves and us. They put less work and effort into school, everyday tasks etc...It's true about chaos..I think they truly like to create it when situations become to calm. It bothers me though that more of this wasn't addressed or talked about BEFORE the adoptions took place so more people could go into this with more background information.

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  5. Oh, Julie, I totally hear you with the part about not getting enough info beforehand. I don't remember getting told much of anything; with regard to being prepared for 'x, y and z.' I know that my husband and I are partly to blame because I was pregnant a week into the adoption process, and so we were rushing the process. But, still, I feel like there should have been a procedure to go through that would have taught us certain things irregardless! I don't remember the words "reactive attachment disorder" being uttered in our discussions, as a possibility for the adopted child(ren). Very sad.
    Lisa, you gave me a good idea for my next post. I will let all of you know what we have gone through with regard to therapists.

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  6. I was reading the blog this morning and was struck by the simular story about therapy. We took our daughter to a therapist a few years ago,and she did the same thing--play therapy!
    I was more than a bit confused,but gave it a chance, it didn't work and we stopped going. After she left the house in the middle of the night summer, and she ended up being admitted to the children's psych hosp for a week, we went to multiple doctor appts and they put her on zoloft, which helped some. Finally after seeing an ADD specialist she was put on Concerta, again helping her in some ways. I can't help but feel all of this is in vain, no amount of medication will help if this is truly RAD...and frustrated that there is no doctor out there that understands what we are going thru and how to help her. She never shows emotions, she never cries when she is sad, or yells when she is angry, she goes thru each day pretty much emotionless. Is this common with anyone else?

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