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Otherwise, thank you so much for coming! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your comments and feedback. I started this blog to help other adoptive parents not to feel as isolated and alone in their feelings, as I did for so many years. With this blog, I hope to bring together the adoptive community as one. This is so we do not feel so alone and judged as we so many times do; even from ourselves. Please stay, relax and enjoy yourself. If at any time you feel judged, please let me know. Again thank you for coming.

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Friday, March 26, 2010

Here we go again.....

Why does this keep happening? Every time I think I have a handle on this adoption relationship with my daughter, and understand RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), even just a little, she switches it up on me. I feel like I am falling apart! I was doing so well for a couple of weeks! Then, I made the fatal mistake of engaging her in conversation. Yup, that's what I did mom's! That's ALL I did. I asked her why she hasn't come and talked to me even once this week as I had asked her to. Going on a week ago I had asked/ told her she needed to come and talk to me as she has been very disrespectful lately to me. I told her she needed to apologize and let me know what is going on. This stems from an agreement that we made together very recently (in the past 3-4 weeks). Isabella agreed we are having a lot of problems in our relationship, and so we both agreed we needed to talk more. We made a plan of how this would work. It has never happened! Once again, heartbreak for both of us! More mistrust for both of us. She can't believe anything I say, I don't believe anything she says...

I just read something yesterday that when you have a traumatized child, you end up with a traumatized mother! Isn't that the truth!! That was extremely soothing to hear, though, too. I have come to the point in this relationship where I am always on the defense. Some would say, 'how can you heal yourself or your daughter or your family if you feel you are being attacked or feel you are a victim?' You know what, though? I have spent HOURS thinking about this. This is the ONLY part of my life I actually do feel attacked, and I think I am! Isabella admits she tries to hurt me! Isn't that an attack? She has tried (admittedly, and it has worked) to pull apart my family relationships, she has tried to draw my husband and I apart- in the end of the day we aren't apart, but our number one conversation is about Isabella. That is terrible. It has been our number one conversation since the day we adopted her! We've had that many problems since day one where we've felt we had to make it the center of our conversations! Also, it gets to the point where I am always getting questioned by everyone about why I do certain things the way I do them with Isabella. How is that supposed to make me feel? So, now it is my fault? I can't even ask her questions? When I do my husband asks me why I did because he knows it starts something between us. He doesn't say it condescendingly, or anything, it is just the simple fact of being asked that hurts. Why can't I just be a mom? Do other mom's get questioned about their parenting constantly? I love my kids so much, and things are literally falling apart. All four of my kids are suffering so much now!

This adoption issue has also caused a separation in my husband's family! My husband doesn't talk, at all, to one of his brothers (and his brothers family), and he just started talking to his sister! They are not close at all now, either, like they were. There is one brother, unfortunately who lives all the way in Georgia, who has very thankfully decided to stay neutral and not take sides. Upsettingly, this is all because of problems surrounding this adoption. The really sad thing is, they all lost their mom and dad in 2000, so their is no one to pull them back together.

So, do I feel attacked and like a victim when it comes to being Isabella's mother? Your damn right! Sorry, but I am sooo hurt and upset, and so sick of anyone calling me or anyone else in this situation a victim or feeling sorry for themselves.

Further, as we speak, I had asked Isabella a couple of hours ago to do the simplest thing.... to come to me to talk about something very benign. As it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME, she digs her heels in, takes her own control, and won't do it simply because I asked or told her to. I can see her walking around as I am typing this and wishing she could have control of her whole life; this house, her sisters, me and her dad, but, not want to do anything it takes to get there (having control of the possible things).
Oh, and so what she did a couple of evenings ago to try and make that happen, was when I was gone for the night, she got on dad's good side (mind you she hadn't spoken to the family except 1 or 2 words here and there when absolutely necessary). This would have been okay except that it wasn't our deal. I am her mom and I want to be the one she goes to when she wants to talk or needs something. That is not happening now. It really hurts. It has never happened. She has never happened.

This is what I am talking about that I cannot take.
And now, now my precious little 3-year-old is starting to fall apart because of all of this... What am I supposed to do now? It used to just be Isabella and I having problems. Now my little babies see what is going on and they are starting to have a lot of problems due to what they see happening with Isabella! They look up to her... and me... I thought I was holding it together, especially for them, but for some reason my little one's are cracking, too.
I don't know what to do. It hurts so much....


  1. I just now read this blog, Kristina. So, what has transpired since Friday? Just wondering how you are doing today and how the rest of your family is.

  2. Kristina,
    You wrote, "I feel like I am falling apart".
    You are a collection of many parts and many qualities Kristina. You have a problem-solving part, a learning part, a knowlegable part, an observing part, a sensitive part. When you make a plan with Isabella and her half does not get done. . . you sill have a problem-solving part. You are complete. I suspect that Isabella is very immature in some abilities - social skills and family skills especially. I expect that your idea of talking with her more often is great and sounds great to her (to have your attention, etc.) Since she does not initiate contact - she needs an adult partner to do it for her . . . initiate the contact. Hey Isabella, I'm here for our talk. Dad has the little girls. I'll come sit with you for the next 10 minutes. We can talk or we can just share some peaceful silence. Maybe I will tell you a little (happy) story about my day, or tell you some (positive) things I observed about you today." Your idea to spend time with Isabella shows me that part of you is longing to connect with her. Even when all you can see is your despairing part, remember that you have a hopeful part too. Kristina you and Mike can use ALL of the very best parenting practices AND they can be entirely ineffective with a child who lacks a srong foundation of permanence and constancy. I've got to go to bed. Take care of you.

  3. Just checking in with you Kristina. Thinking of you - take care. Peggy